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How to stop being angry with him

(6 Posts)
beth12345 Sat 13-Oct-12 22:51:40

This is an ex partner, who was really horrible and abusive.
It happened ages ago, but various things going on have meant I have thought about it more recently.
He would grope me at random times (both in the daytime and at night when I was initially asleep). He forced me to have sex on a number of occasions. He did other things sexually that I had asked him not to.
On the occasions where he respected my wish not to have sex, there were still repercussions - for example he wouldn't drive me home to mine if he hadn't received what he wanted.
I would try to break up with him, he would twist everything I said, claiming he did not accept I wanted to break up so we were still together.
He would tell me that I was hard work, no other man would make the effort with me so I would have to stick with him and be grateful.
I stayed with him for over 3 years.
I used to blame myself for how he behaved, and suddenly I no longer do, which should be a positive thing shouldn't it? But now I feel very angry with him, and have no outlet for that as we are not in touch. I don't want to be in touch with him, but I wish I could somehow get my own back - although I know I can't. What do people usually do with their anger once they realise how badly they were treated?
I suppose I should just be grateful I escaped him, but I am still so outraged with him.
And my parents do not know how he treated me - I have DDs and worry about them meeting someone abusive.

Harecare Sat 13-Oct-12 22:56:45

Go to a boxing exercise class? Make a cutout of him writing all the bad stuff he did on it and then rip it up/burn it/stamp all over it? Think about how shit he must be to do such things and turn your anger to pity and forgiveness?
Being angry isn't healthy, so get it out and move on.

lemontruffles Sat 13-Oct-12 23:00:10

Oh Beth,

you sound as though you haven't resolved the appalling way you were treated by this man.

So many of the things you say resonate with me: my ex did and said very similar things. I was angry for years, and I found that the anger is the way out of, and through, all the rubbish my ex threw at me.

I find it hard to be angry, and to just accept that I'm angry; yet I found that allowing myself to be angry, and gradually accepting this truth, was my path to emotional freedom.

Sorry, I'm not good at expressing myself. I just wanted to say how strong you are for escaping this abusive man, and please accept the anger for what it is: in my opinion, its a normal, healthy response to this sort of abuse.

I'm guessing someone far more articulate and knowlegable than me will be along soon; in the meantime, please accept my great respect for your strength, and I hope you find ways to accept this very necessary anger.

beth12345 Sat 13-Oct-12 23:10:22

I'm not someone who normally gets angry with anyone for anything, so I'm very uncomfortable with it. And obviously there is no way of clearing the air with him as I know where to find him but have no wish to go anywhere near him.
I guess people must do this everyday when they escape abusive relationships, and you just have to forget it and move on, but it is so hard now I realised what a complete bastard he was...

deliasmithy Sun 14-Oct-12 11:16:06

It's almost a grieving process.
You are angry perhaps at his behaviour but maybe a little at yourself for allowing him to hurt you? That's what I picked up from your post so I'm sorry if wrong. It's not your fault someone behaved that way. They are clever at seeming very nice when you first meet them.

Yes, punching a punch bag, physical exercise, a helium balloon with all the crap he has left you written on it, the say goodbye to it and let it float away. Can do a similar thing with drawing an imaginary line on the ground. Visualise the side you are on as containing all the anger, hurt, negative thoughts and feelings. Tell yourself that when you step over the line you are going to leave all that behind. You are only taking with you the good things. You will give yourself permission to let go of the heavy baggage and then step over. Feel how light and positive it feels to have discarded the anger and hurt.

Those are some mental techniques that some find helpful. Of course it may not be your cup if tea.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 11:28:11

Sorry to say but a full 17 years after breaking up with my EA husband I still get occasional dreams where I'm punching him in the face and he's just standing there looking blank. I know it's my frustration coming to the fore that he never got hurt the way I did and the realisation that I am powerless to do anything to change that. (I've also fantasised occasionally about seeing him on a pavement when I'm driving past, accidentally mounting the kerb and splattering him over the bonnet, before explaining honestly officer, I just sneezed, lost my grip on the steering wheel and the next thing I knew.... But that's another story)

Best revenge is to live well. You'll never forget it, you just have to live with it.

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