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Is anyone better than no one?

(20 Posts)
MightyMeerkat Sat 13-Oct-12 21:20:02

I'm 35. I am shy and find it incredibly hard to build relationships, whether platonic or romantic. Other than going to work, I spend all of my time alone. I often feel lonely and depressed. I have never had a long term relationship and have never lived with a man. I doubt that I will get married or that I will have children (unless I go it alone).

I posted on MN a couple of years ago and internet dating was suggested. I gave it a go and have since had two relationships, one lasting 8 months and the other lasting 4 months. I ended both because my feelings never developed beyond liking.

I am alone again and cannot face more internet dating. Was I wrong to end my previous relationships? Is it better to have someone rather than no one?

WinklyFriedChicken Sat 13-Oct-12 21:25:04

In answer to your question - no. It is far better to be by yourself than with the wrong person.

Is there any reason you're so opposed to internet dating now? Meeting two people you liked well enough to go out with for a number of months makes it sound reasonably successful; at least then you were meeting people and socialising.

hopkinette Sat 13-Oct-12 21:36:20

No. Better alone than badly accompanied. And the loneliness of being in a shit relationship is no better than the loneliness associated with being single, in my experience.

Are there any activities you enjoy which lend themselves to socialising? If you like running, for instance, could you join a local running group?

MightyMeerkat Sat 13-Oct-12 21:36:42

I've internet dated on and off for about 3 years. I have dated a lot of frogs! And my two exes were the best of a bad bunch! There are so many time wasters and men with problems on the web that I feel exhausted about even going down that route again.

ClippedPhoenix Sat 13-Oct-12 21:39:20

It's far better to be alone that with someone for the sake of it. It's not fair on either of person.

Why do you feel you need a boyfriend anyway? Is it the thought of being childless?

I remember being 35 and having a biological clock the size of big ben.

I'm not in any way advising you to do what I did, I had my on my own.

Could this be an option for you?

MightyMeerkat Sat 13-Oct-12 21:41:16

Thanks, Hopkinette. I have joined a few clubs in the past and ironically they seem to be full of women like me! Its very rare to find any single men at them grrr

JustFabulous Sat 13-Oct-12 21:43:06


Maybe you gave up too soon though? Not loving someone after 4 months, even 8 months is not a bad thing. Sometimes it takes time.

RobynRidingHood Sat 13-Oct-12 21:43:18

I am shy and find it incredibly hard to build relationships, whether platonic or romantic.

Is there an under lying reason why you are so shy?

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sat 13-Oct-12 21:43:49

Fuck, no

MightyMeerkat Sat 13-Oct-12 21:44:35

Thanks, Clipped. You're right about Big Ben! And that is probably driving some of this. I finished with my last ex about a month ago but was so tempted to carry on seeing him just because on paper he ticked a lot of boxes.

I have looked into having a child alone but it would be tough - financially and because I do not have a support network (my closest family is 200 miles away).

legoballoon Sat 13-Oct-12 21:50:46

In answer to your question - better alone than in an unhappy relationship. That said, you sound like you know that anyway - having packed in your 2 most recently relationships because you didn't think they ticked all the boxes.

I'm sorry you are finding it hard to meet the right person. But do you think you're so focused on meeting Mr Right, that you're missing out on all the fun you could be having?

I'm hoping that your life is more than the search for a partner. Do you have an interesting job? Do you travel? Meet up with the friends and family you do have? Have time for hobbies, even if it's just reading or going for nice walks? If so, I'd enjoy the freedom and spontaneity you can have at this point in your life. In 5 years time you could be married and stuck indoors with a new baby - you never know. Sometimes I think stuff happens when you least expect it.

Yika Sat 13-Oct-12 21:57:31

In general no, but sometimes yes. You say you sometimes feel lonely and depressed. In those circumstances, I actually think it's better to keep making the effort to meet new people - whether platonic or romantic - rather than be on your own. Eventually one or other relationship of whichever kind will start to bring some reward. But if you get too far into the loneliness rut it's hard to break out of it. You lose confidence and your horizons shrink. But I wouldn't put too much focus in finding a romantic relationship. Just do activities and make sure you're not alone too much.

ClippedPhoenix Sat 13-Oct-12 21:57:34

Oh sweetheart I know how you feel.

I'm only saying things from my rather selfish perspective here.

This was my situation when I decided to have my DS.

I'm working class, live in a one bedroom ground floor flat. I had a PA job in the West End, no savings as such either.

I gave up my job after maternity leave and went to college to get a qualification in childcare and worked as a playleader for the local council, that way I could take DS with me.

All I'm saying is where there's a will there's a way.

Agree with everyone, better to be alone, in control of your life and your choices.

My male friend joined a cooking class hoping to meet women, and it was full of men with the same idea!

How about a book group, language class etc..not about specifically meeting men, but widening your social circle. Going out with new friends gives you greater contact to the world.

OneMoreGo Sat 13-Oct-12 22:02:45

I agree with lego - having a partner should complement and already fulfilling and enjoyable life that is rich and pleasing to you. You should feel like you are a whole person on your own, like your own company and be content being single. Then you may meet someone and fall in love.
Have you had any counselling about any of the things you feel may be holding you back in life? Are you happy in yourself? Do you like yourself? Do you spend your time in ways that absorb and delight you and aren't just about meeting new people? These might be some questions to think about. By the way, I don't want to give the impression that I am lecturing without understanding because I am very similar to you in some ways. The only difference is I have never been out of a relationship til recently because I kept dating twats - I thought it was better than being alone. I really regret that now. I even had a DS with one of them which I don't regret although I kind of regret the person I had him with iyswim. Being a single parent is very hard and I was bought up not ever knowing my dad. It is difficult.

Short answer, it is better to be alone than be with someone just for the sake of it. Friendships can be incredibly fulfilling on their own and can tick many boxes in terms of social needs. I think if you do things you love, on and offline (not dating sites but hobby forums/groups etc) and you genuinely like yourself, you will connect well with others and this will enhance your life. Examine the barriers (like shyness) which may be preventing this from happening, and don't worry too much about finding a partner now. It's a common misconception that meeting the Right Person will change your life and make you happy. It won't. You should be happy in your self. Then you won't care if you are single or coupled!

MightyMeerkat Sat 13-Oct-12 22:05:14

Thanks for all of your responses, I appreciate it.

I think you're right. Its better to be alone right now than with someone just for the sake of having someone in my life. I just wish it wasn't so hard to meet someone.

I will give myself a bit of time to myself and then maybe have another go at the internet dating......

JennaLemon Sat 13-Oct-12 22:24:41

Far better to be on your own than somebody you know isn't right for you. You sound like you know this though. YOu ended two relationships that didn't develop beyond like.

ike1 Sat 13-Oct-12 22:31:47

oh thats bloody typical! A cooking class lol! Right now I know where to find em...

JennaLemon Sat 13-Oct-12 22:33:25

Mightymeerkat, I've wondered about those fee dating agencies. Would those be worth a shot. It might cost a couple of grand though. It's a gamble. And I wouldn't expect a long line of princes to choose from! I'm tempted myself, except at my age,42, and with two children I don't think I'd be taken on to their books :-( If I were in your shoes though, I'd expect that there were fewer frogs per hundred members than on an ordinary site. You'd also know they weren't married! They are interviewed by a human being I think.

ClareMarriott Sun 14-Oct-12 16:12:54

after you have had a bit of time to think- what about sailing clubs?

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