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What does this suggest to you?

(30 Posts)
Some0ne Sat 13-Oct-12 19:57:25

DH has been talking for months about getting the gutters cleaned before winter, and cleaning and sealing the driveway. His dad was going to help, and DH had bought all the equipment he needed to do it.

Today a group of guys came round in a van offering to clean the gutters. DH told them to. When they'd finished, they told him they could do the driveway as well. He asked me if we could afford it this week. I said no.

He went back out and they offered to do it for a lower price. He asked me again, and I said again that we couldn't.

He went back out and they offered to spray clean the side path and back patio as well. He came back in, and this time brought the guy he'd been negotiating with. They pretty much ganged up on me, and in the end I agreed to get the drive cleaned for less than they had originally offered, just because DH kept asking and asking and clearly wasn't going to take no for an answer.

When I asked him where the money was going to come from, he said we'd get a smaller fill of oil than we had planned to.

When they were finished the drive, they went around and did the patio. I asked DH how much we were paying them, as we had agreed that they wouldn't do the patio, and he mentioned the correct figure. I said 'Don't give them any more, we told them not to do the patio, they can't charge us for it' and he agreed.

When they left, I asked how much he'd paid them. He mentioned the correct figure again. I asked why he was blushing, and he admitted that he's paid them far more than we'd agreed on because after we'd agreed what they should do, he went out and renegotiated a price for extra work, that I had already said we couldn't afford.

I'm furious with him, for all sorts of reasons.

1. He had all the kit to do the job himself - he had bought it all specially, which turned out to be a total waste of money.
2. He shouldn't have kept asking when I told him we couldn't afford it - even though he asked me, he clearly wasn't going to listen to me. He's absolutely useless with money and has no concept of spending within our means, but I've put us on a very tight budget at the moment because his spending had gotten out of control.
3. He shouldn't have brought a workman in to help 'persuade' me - it was nothing to do with him, and it made it all the more humiliating that...
4. ...he then went back outside and backtracked completely on what we had decided.
5. Buying oil before winter is more important than having a clean patio - we have a toddler and an 8 month old to keep warm.
6. He lied. I detest lying more than anything and we've had issues with it before, more times than I care to remember.

Am I being unfair to him? He 'really wanted the job done', apparently.

pictish Sat 13-Oct-12 20:00:25

Then he should have done it himself as originally planned.

I can imagine how annoying this all must be, but in the grand scheme of things I don't suppose it's a biggy.

Still fucking irritating though.

griphook Sat 13-Oct-12 20:08:01

Depend really, do you gave money to waste and will it mean that you will end up being cold over the winter. If yes then tbh your dh sounds like a twat.

I would also be very annoyed if he brought someone into my home to barter something that you didn't want.

Nici177 Sat 13-Oct-12 20:09:18

I would be hugely pissed off with my DH if he did that with funds from the joint account (what he chooses to spend his money on is his business tho). Sounds like your DH has form for this sort of thing?? I would take his actions as a complete disregard for your feelings and it also kind of feels like he has no respect for the family, if he's willing to spend money you clearly don't have.

Some0ne Sat 13-Oct-12 20:15:37

No, we don't really have the money to spare and it wouldn't have taken him long to do it himself, especially with his dad's help. But what really gets to me is the fact that it doesn't matter at all what I say, he'll go ahead and do his own thing anyway and then lie about it.

Now he's carrying on as normal, pretending nothing has happened. And when I point out that I'm annoyed with him and think we should discuss it, he'll get in a strop and make out that it's all my fault.


pictish Sat 13-Oct-12 20:18:30

I think he needs to accept that you are entitled to feel pissed off. The fact that he's brushing you aside andf making out like you are unreasonable, is terrible!!

Does he often discount what you say?

Some0ne Sat 13-Oct-12 20:20:42

Does he often discount what you say?
Only when it's something he has an opinion about.

pictish Sat 13-Oct-12 20:22:55

By that, do you mean that he's happy to sit back and let you 'do the do' most of the time, but if on the odd occasion he can be arsed to have an opinion he thinks his is the only one that counts?

Some0ne Sat 13-Oct-12 20:25:22

That's pretty much it, Pictish. But not openly, really; it's always behind my back, and I don't think he realises that he's doing it. I don't think he thinks about it at all, to be honest.

pictish Sat 13-Oct-12 20:27:08

Then you guys need to talk.

Calmly and concisely. And this most recent event is the perfect opening to discuss it.

Don't get wound up though, otherwise it'll just turn into a row.

wannabedomesticgoddess Sat 13-Oct-12 20:30:23

Sorry but thats so demeaning and rude. Hes basically acted the big man, going out and renegotiating as if hes the man of the house and her indoors knows nothing.

As for him not talking about it, thats probably because he knows hes in the wrong.

I have no answers for you OP, but I dont think you are overreacting to be annoyed!

Some0ne Sat 13-Oct-12 20:31:25

We've had that conversation. Many, many times. He's terrible at that sort of conversation, he doesn't engage at all, I have to keep reminding him when it's his turn to talk because he sits there staring into space and ignoring me. Then if I go on for long enough, he'll eventually say 'I'm sorry, I won't do it again' and that's it. And then he'll do it again. But if I point out that he's said it before and it hasn't made any difference, he'll get all sad and tell me he's not good enough for me and I deserve better and I'll end up reassuring him.

I can't work out whether he's completely incompetent at being half of a couple, or knows only too well what he's doing and has me just where he wants me.

Nagoo Sat 13-Oct-12 20:31:42

I wouldn't be able to stay calm.

How can you calmly accept that your DH discounts whatever you have to input on every occasion that he motivates himself to care about something?

pictish Sat 13-Oct-12 20:32:18

I'd say the latter tbh. He's not a child.

Nagoo Sat 13-Oct-12 20:38:12

One thing I might think about though, is it is likely that DH would call me to 'negotiate' with the workman, because he is afraid of conflict and I'm not. So he knows I would get rid of them. he would be worried that, being a man, they would do something to him, I think

Could it have been that? Especially since you usually sort everything?

duffedup Sat 13-Oct-12 20:38:38

out of interest when he came in with the man why did you change your mind knowing that you couldn't afford it. he was a knob but you gave the go ahead for the drive to be cleaned even though he had the stuff to do it himself guy or no guy there i would have been saying no jog on. i think it all sounds more complicated than this incident.

JustFabulous Sat 13-Oct-12 20:38:41

The only way he is going to get it is when dinner is potatoes and veg but no meat, when he runs out of clean clothes on Thursday as there is no money to buy detergent, etc etc. Consequences.

FiveFlowers Sat 13-Oct-12 20:38:49

I just couldn't read this and not post.

I would be absolutely furious with him. Everything he did was undermining and disrespectful. And he sounds like a lazy arse for not doing it himself after buying the equipment and saying he would.

izzyizin Sat 13-Oct-12 20:39:56

He lied. I detest lying more than anything and we've had issues with it before, more times than I care to remember.

Once a liar, always a liar. He hasn't changed and he's not going to change, is he?

Are you willing to continue living with a liar and, if so, what example will he setting for your dc?

duffedup Sat 13-Oct-12 20:42:01

i am with you on the lying front I refuse to put up with lying or someone that does not understand why lying is so destructive.

Some0ne Sat 13-Oct-12 20:42:14

Nagoo, because I haven't found any other approach to the situation to be particularly helpful - nothing ever changes.

pictish, I'm not convinced. I think he's actually just really, really clueless, and also doesn't care enough about me to make an effort. I don't think it's malicious.

wannabedomesticgoddess Sat 13-Oct-12 20:43:28

My DP lets me deal with situations like this all the time for the same reasons as Nagoo says.

But he would never then go and renegotiate.

Some0ne Sat 13-Oct-12 20:45:16

No, he definitely didn't want me to make them go away. He really wanted it done, he kept asking and asking till I gave up. And I gave up because it was embarrassing saying no over and over again to him in front of the workman, as if he was a whinging kid instead of a grownup.

Nagoo Sat 13-Oct-12 20:46:05

I think not caring about what your wife says is malicious.

Feckbox Sat 13-Oct-12 20:46:48

I would be furious too.
Starting with him even considering employing a cold caller to do maintenence work

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