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How on earth do you let go? - can't stop my mind going round and round

(8 Posts)
anxious80 Sat 13-Oct-12 18:33:56

XP officially moved out 2 weeks ago. I just can't switch off & think about him more than when we were together! He was emotionally abusive and relationship turned v sour and vindictive towards end but my mind won't register this... I just can't help but focus on good times/ current sadness and lonliness / what he's up to etc.
He is a good father and has my DS to stay in new house which was bit unsettling for DS to begin with but is settling now.
I just can't let go, even thought of being with another guy / starting dating or anything along those lines feels so wrong. My feelings obv still run so deep. It's crazy as he's been so unbelievably nasty to me but still I try to forgive and forget.
Any experiences of this and how to get through it?
Feels like a v big sleepless dark hole at present sad

PigeonsCanClimbStairs Sat 13-Oct-12 18:40:14

Not really got much advice I'm afraid, just wanted to let you know I know what you mean. I split with my ex a few months ago and it's hard. You forget all the bad bits (he wasn't abusive but things definitely weren't good towards the end) and just focus on the good bits. I thought I was doing alright but he's recently got a new partner and I'm not coping too well.

I'm just trying to tell myself it's for the best, and trying to get out more/keep myself busy. Do you have friends you can talk to about it? I find ranting about all the bad things helps smile

anxious80 Sat 13-Oct-12 18:52:51

thanks pigeonsCanClimbStairs (great name btw!!!) - yeah i have friends but they r not in same situation so hard to empathise. & feel i'm just rabbiting on a lot of time!
It's just so relentlessly hard. Yeah ikwym about keeping busy - it's when my mind wanders...and the nights when I can't sleep...
I'm soz to hear you are struggling - r u still on speaking terms? Do u share access etc? It's the seeing them too that I find so hard, brings all emotions back up sad

PigeonsCanClimbStairs Sat 13-Oct-12 19:02:58

I know what you mean about rabbiting on, anyone that listens I'm there bending their ears. You do feel a bit annoying.

He has DS one night a week and i go and drop him off and pick him up. That's the hardest bit I think, that I still have to see him to do that. But it's getting a bit silly to be honest, like if he doesn't answer the door straight away it's because he's hiding his girlfriend upstairs and things like that. I just feel really anxious about it all.

I am going to make a concentrated effort to be more businesslike about it. No asking what he's up to or staying for a brew. Which is hard because I want to see him but I know it's not doing me any good in the long run. I was chatting to him before and he said, "can you not just go out and pull" which sort of gives a good indication of what he thinks about me.

Everybody tells me I'm being strong but I don't want to have to be.

anxious80 Sat 13-Oct-12 20:04:45

I know EXACTLY what u mean. I always ask too many questions, ring when he has DS and ask him personal stuff. It's so hard. He too always suggests that I should just go and meet someone. Like it's that easy! I also think I'm so not ready as not over him yet so would be thinking about him etc when trying to focus on someone else. I just can't imagine it!
It must be so hard for u that he has a new gf, I'm dreading that stage.
My ex does ring me from time to time too so don't think it's completely 1-sided.... at times like this I just go over and over everything and just wish he would wake up and think he has made huge mistake...not likely tho :/

PigeonsCanClimbStairs Sat 13-Oct-12 20:36:20

I know. I played that game for a bit, the pretending everything was magically ok and it was all a bit of a misunderstanding. But it just meant that when I realised it wasn't (which I knew already in my head) I just felt ten times worse.

But things happen for a reason (I do hate that phrase but it's true) and you can't force someone to be who you want them to be by wishful thinking.

You've just got to get on with your own life and accept that they're not part of it, that you can't just call them or share things how you used to because that's not how it is anymore. I know it's hard and a bit shit but apparently it gets easier. And I know it will, but that doesn't make it any easier just now does it?

anxious80 Sat 13-Oct-12 20:54:29

No it really doesn't! People keep telling me that too... hardest is evenings /nights for me. I'm sleeping so badly and feel so anxious that it's just me and DS in middle of night and if i'll meet someone, how etc. Just so much that is unanswerable etc and so much for bloody awful anxiety to feed on...
...it does seem easier to bury head in sand which is really what i did for last few months of relationship. Even tho it wasn't biggest shock ever as he has left me b4 it has knocked me for six. Confidence etc is zero....
...they prob just think of bad times and men have a selfish way of just adapting and getting on with new way of life, whereas women r more emotional... so annoying, wish there was magic 'happy' switch!!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 09:17:15

Sorry you're experiencing this and wanted to warn you that it does take time to get past this stage of shock. It's not because 'women are more emotional' it's because you've had just two weeks to get used to the idea of him leaving, whereas he's probably been planning his escape for months. The decision was imposed on you whereas the decision was entirely his... that also makes a big difference.

If you'd opted to leave him two weeks ago and been gearing up to it for a while, you'd be in his shoes and he'd be in yours. So don't believe the way you feel makes you somehow weak or pathetic. You're behaving totally normally and it does pass eventually.

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