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DH been looking at sex adverts

(19 Posts)
namechangeforever Sat 13-Oct-12 18:16:39

Today, I checked the website history over the last month on my computer and found DH has been looking at sex advert sites twice in that time.

I confronted him at lunchtime and he completely denied it and got very very angry. So I opened the computer and said - well here it is - and he tried to make up a story that another site, a book portal, had generated the search in google.

He'd looked at gumtree, loot, hallolondon and a few others, for about 15 minutes, quickly going through adverts, but long enough I guess to take down phone numbers.

He works very very long hours and always looks and says he is shattered and when questioned said "I have no time for an affair" but call it a woman's instinct, I've suspected something recently, maybe even for a long time, I don't know why.

Our sex life is zero. I had a health condition which meant we couldn't do it for about 2 years, then we managed to have 2 kids over the next 4 years, very luckily by timing it really well. Basically had very very little sex the last 7 years. I am now at the stage where I could have sex again and things are back on track and OK but we've completely lost the habit. Neither of us ever try it on with the other.

I feel like some of it's my fault - he couldn't have sex with me when he wanted for years and years. On the other hand, when I've tried to suggest other ways of being intimate, he's just shut it down and doesn't want to talk. He's a bit prudish (with me anyway!)

Initally until a few mins ago, I thought he was doing it for titilation. But then called a friend and she said no, this is different, this is looking for sex in the real world. There's no proof he's done anything but what do I do next?

He still won't even admit it and straight away went and deleted all the history.

fiventhree Sat 13-Oct-12 18:22:40

Need to read and run, but when I was in your situation and could get no answers I finally made plans to leave him, made those public, and then the pressure over the next month forced out the truth.

He has acted just like my h used to- anger and denial- and you wont get at the truth if you back down quickly.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 13-Oct-12 18:23:45

sad

We always say trust your instincts and it seems yours are telling you that he is up to no good.

The angry defensiveness is very telling - maybe he has something to hide?

If he was really innocent, he would be doing everything to reassure you - instead of covering his tracks, lying and getting angry.

Please do not blame yourself - he could have spent time and energy investing in the marriage, talked to you about improving intimacy and listened to your suggestions.

namechangeforever Sat 13-Oct-12 18:34:26

He did do a lot of reassuring today, told me that he loved me, that he would never have an affair, that those sort of sites 'aren't him'. etc etc. He calmed down eventually and we went through our problems. It's funny as I've never thought porn or that kind of stuff was him. He's very respectful of women and is very down-to-earth sort of person, very much got his feet on the ground.

I'd even wondered if he'd gone on there so it wasn't porn, but more people willing to do that sort of stuff for free as I'm sure he's bright enough to realise that porn is a big financial industry where the people are not well treated. And those sorts of things usually do matter to him, in all areas of life.

Yes fiventhree, I have been thinking the past few minutes that unless he tells me the truth, and I have access to all his emails he can start to look for a place of his own.

Or I will leave if he won't go. It's the only thing he's ever responded to.

dondon33 Sat 13-Oct-12 18:36:51

Go with your instincts Name.

The anger, denial then deleting the history are telling. He knows you're on to something.

As fiventhree said ^ you wont get at the truth if you back down quickly so don't give in to his answers excuses keep questioning and pushing for the truth.

Your friend is right - titillation would have been accessing porn for wanking NOT looking for accessible real life sex.
Unfortunately now you've said something it's possible he will have deleted his accounts on these sites stopping you from finding messages etc...

namechangeforever Sat 13-Oct-12 18:43:55

I know dondon33, I guess my mind just ran into a whirlwind and all I could was confront as I was so upset.

It's very very hard to remain silent when you think your DH is up to something. What could I have done to catch him?

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 13-Oct-12 20:49:27

What motivates people like him is LOSS.

As fiventhree has said, it took her DH to realise she was serious about leaving him before the truth came out.

fiventhree Sun 14-Oct-12 10:54:23

And I definitely had this line said to me:

He did do a lot of reassuring today, told me that he loved me, that he would never have an affair, that those sort of sites 'aren't him'. etc etc.

If they wont tell you, it is amazing what they will say and for how long, and how convincing they can be.

Mine swore on the kids life, too, and even said that my suspicious adult daughter 'liked a drama' to justify his denials ie that she may have put on the internet the evidence I found there herself, and drawn my attention to it, to create a drama between us.

Now this is a uni graduate with a good job, many friends, and a very balanced mind. I ask you!

He admitted it eventually though, and said in relate that he had always been 'manipulative'. He damn well was, too.

namechangeforever Sun 14-Oct-12 15:48:45

Fiventhree, could I ask, did you stay together? You say you went to relate..

The thing is, I don't know if he's been seeing prostitutes or not. I only found the evidence twice in the last month and I have been looking for about 6 months. Never found anything else in that time.

Could he just have been getting curious?

I want to believe the best but his flat denial is making me very twitchy.

Last night we had a long conversation where he refused to explain why he'd gone on those websites again, we went round and round in circles. He said "I refuse to answer that question". What's weird is that he's always said he hates porn, hates lipstick, hates stilettos etc. And then I find him browsing sex-selling sites for RL meet-ups.

Yet to me, he's always seemed to want me demure, compliant, very plain vanilla sex if you know what I mean.

So now I am at my Mum's with the kids and looking at a trial separation, walked out this morning. But I'm heartbroken,as I don't want to be with someone who can't be completely honest. And it looks like he can't be and hasn't been.

fergoose Sun 14-Oct-12 16:01:19

Namechange - I could have written your post a year ago. I finally told him to leave in January. He had the effrontery to say how dare I accuse him of such things, but I knew something was going on. 4 months later I found the ugly truth - profiles on websites looking for no strings sex, etc - trying to get together with girls not much older than our own daughter.

My advice is trust your instincts, and do not trust one word he says. Take care of yourself and your children at the moment x

Opentooffers Sun 14-Oct-12 16:08:03

It seems like he may be trying to divert what has gone on, by repeating something that he can be truthful about ie. not having an 'affair'. No strings sex is not an affair, but only you can judge based on your life together whether that would be more excusable or forgiveable or still a deal-breaker, if it turns out that that is what he has been doing.

namechangeforever Mon 15-Oct-12 13:08:20

Went out for the day with the kids yesterday saying to DH I wanted things to finish as I couldn't take the lying and deceit and lack of answer.

So finally he explained that at work he is very very pressurised and then when he comes home he is very pressurised by me because I give him a 'hard time all the time'. And that all those things are about to make him crack. He still said he hadn't done anything etc etc. But I'm still not sure and how can I ever know now? Or in the future?

And I do give him a hard time. I'm very resentful of the fact that he never spends any time with me, despite repeatedly asking year after year that he comes home earlier. Yes, I'm married to a workaholic.

I can see DD is unsettled by what's going on. I so want to b

namechangeforever Mon 15-Oct-12 13:17:08

Went out for the day with the kids yesterday saying to DH I wanted to finish things as I couldn't take the lying and deceit and lack of answer. I got very angry.

When I came home, finally he explained and gave me an answer. He said that at work he is very very pressurised and then when he comes home he is very pressurised by me because I give him a 'hard time all the time'. And that all those things are about to make him crack. He still said he hadn't done anything etc etc. But I'm still not sure and how can I ever know now? Or in the future?

And I do give him a hard time. I'm very resentful of the fact that he never spends any time with me, despite repeatedly asking that he comes home earlier. Yes, I'm married to a workaholic. The last time we went out as a couple alone was 2.5 years ago for our wedding anniversary. Yes it was an expensive posh night but it's not enough, is it? We've had another baby since then but it's not a good enough excuse, is it?

I still don't know if I can reconcile in my mind the thought that he considered or maybe has been to a prostitute. Even considering it is really dreadful, isn't it?

I don't know if/when we try to get things going again the bedroom, I will be able to get that thought out of my head. If I can't, then it's a deal-breaker, isn't it? I means I still don't trust him and that I can't ever trust him again.

I am so sad.

namechangeforever Mon 15-Oct-12 13:17:39

sorry, double post sad
computer did something weird

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 15-Oct-12 15:49:51

Firstly before you even think about having sex again, insist on STD tests.

So he is now blaming everything including you...for what exactly as he is still saying he's done nothing wrong? hmm

You won't get any honest answers from him - you need to be strong and show him you are serious in needing answers otherwise you will finish things. As it is he is taking the piss out of you.

charlearose Mon 15-Oct-12 15:55:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CookieRookie Mon 15-Oct-12 16:04:47

I'm sorry but I think your instincts are correct.

"I refuse to answer that question" means he couldn't think of an excuse quick enough or he knows he couldn't sell you any other plausible excuse for his actions.

EdithWeston Mon 15-Oct-12 16:11:06

I think you have more important relationship issues here.

But could I just point out that his explanation of how the sites came to be in his browser is technologically possible. I had a porn pop up yesterday, I didn't solicit it and I closed it immediately. It remains however in the device's history (I've just checked).

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Mon 15-Oct-12 16:41:07

Does he think this is a court of law?

You don't get to plead the 5th amendment with a partner you are supposed to love and respect

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