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Anyone live with a weekend alcoholic!

(22 Posts)
lookingfoxy Sat 13-Oct-12 17:23:46

I've really had enough of the drinking, we don't do anything together as a family or very rarely when I kick up a fuss.
He says he works all week and entitled to a drink at the weekend, I like a drink as well, but know when to stop and don't go on 48 hour benders.
I asked him to move out 2 weeks ago after 2 full weekends of drinking previously.
Last weekend he didn't have any drink and we had an ok weekend together, this weekend he started yesterday and still on it.
So fed up of it, he's not going to change is he?

noddyholder Sat 13-Oct-12 17:26:24

Why dos he drink continually all weekend? Can he not have a beer/wine once kids in bed eg fri and sat evenings?

TheSparkling Sat 13-Oct-12 18:05:41

What does he do while drinking? Is it a case of laying around watching tv with can in hand or do you get to go out as a family as well?

FML Sat 13-Oct-12 18:17:22

How old is he, and how long has he been doing this for?

When you say 48 hour benders, do you mean from the moment he wakes up till he goes to sleep?

Do you think scare tactics might work? Getting information off the internet about how binge drinking can affect the liver to show him, and send him to the GP for a liver function test. I used to binge drink at the weekends, never touched a drop during the week so never thought it would have an affect on my liver. I was only 21 when I was warned that if I didn't cut down on the alcohol, my already struggling liver would end up damaged. Scared me enough to stop!

MillyStar Sat 13-Oct-12 19:07:41

I was in exactly your position a few months ago, he'd start on a Thursday night and I'd have to beg him to not drink on a Sunday

He carried on throughout my pregnancy and after our daughter was born, I had a crash c section and was in for a week afterwards, we came home on a Friday night and he got hammered becuase it was a Friday, he was so pissed me and my baby had to sleep in the spare room on her first night home which I will never forgive him for

I chucked him out when she was three months old because it's not what i want for her, it broke my heart seeing dads walking with thee baby in a pram at 5pm on a saturday and he'd already be pissed

I can't tell you how calm and nice it is to be away from the drink, it's lonely sometimes but knowing my little girl is going to bed away from alcohol every night it's worth every second

He's still not realised what he's lost and he thinks he does nothing wrong, he came to Asda with us at lunch time to buy our baby some bits she needed then he got me to drop him off at the pub

He'll never change that one

Scarynuff Sat 13-Oct-12 19:28:01

I asked him to move out 2 weeks ago after 2 full weekends of drinking previously

What was his reaction to this?

Squeegle Sat 13-Oct-12 21:11:50

My XDP was an alcoholic- often the binges would be over a weekend. To cut a very long tedious and painful story short he has now moved out. I just couldn't stand it any more. And despite protestations of change over 5 ish years, it just never really happened.

Funnily enough he is sober now- but our relationship had just gone too far, and I am sure it won't resolve itself now.

Having said that I am so much happier now. The worst thing was the covering up. "nice weekend?", " lovely weekend I would say," despite the fact I'd been out of my mind looking after two DCs alone with a drunken abusive partner liable to stroll in/ out / make a fuss/ fall asleep / be nasty at unpredictable times. I could never even go out as I could never reliably know when he'd be sober and able to look after the kids! It was a nightmare. I'm so glad to be out of it. All the best to you, it's a difficult situation.

All I learned was you can't change him, but you can decide what is or is not acceptable to you.

brettgirl2 Sun 14-Oct-12 11:24:21

OP you've posted this for a simple reason I think - you've had enough. I have no direct experience other than I know someone whose husband behaves in exactly this way. Get the locks changed before your dcs start to think the way daddy behaves is normal. You know that you will cope on your own.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Oct-12 12:56:26

"He says he works all week and entitled to a drink at the weekend,"

Someone with that attitude of entitlement will find it very difficult to change as you've already found. If given a nasty enough shock, like the prospect of losing a family, a less selfish person might treat it as an incentive to give up the booze. My ex-BIL did exactly this when he realised that his binge-drinking style meant that cutting down wasn't an option, it had to go 100%. If someone can't stop at one or two glasses, sees heavy weekend-long drinking as 'normal' and also regards it on some level as their birthright, then you've got a really tough nut to crack.

LivvyPsMum Sun 14-Oct-12 16:58:43

No, I don't but my sister does! She is at the end of her tether with it all. He is still out now having a "mender" from last night. I don't know how/why she has stayed with him. He lost the roof over their heads with his spending money on the drink instead of the mortgage! Its an absolute disgrace. Men like this are selfish and IMO don't deserve a home life through the week when they feel like it.

LivvyPsMum Sun 14-Oct-12 16:59:54

He also thinks he is entitled "to chill" on a weekend. Wanker!

lookingfoxy Mon 15-Oct-12 14:00:52

Hi, sorry I just posted and ran.
I did ask him, well told him to get out 2 weeks ago, he's staying with a relative just now and pops up every evening, last weekend he didn't drink at all, but this weekend was a disaster.
His drinking = when he gets in from work on a friday till he's paraletic which involves visiting his relatives who all stay round about us = him staggering about the streets in an absolute nick! He has been known on a regular basis to start again on saturday morning/afternoon although not always.
My drinking = 1 bottle of wine over the fri and sat night if I bother at all, I do have exceptions to this though if im on a girly night out, prob once every few months.

He's fine when he's had just a few, very funny and entertaining but he doesn't know when to stop.
His hangovers are a joke, he's too ill to go anywhere or do anything which I really resent when I see other mums and dads out and about with their kids and im on my own.

He says he doesn't want to be like this but i've heard it again and again, he also says I need to help him, but i've told him only he can help himself, im not his mother !!

He's a bit older than me but we were brought up the same way in that this was the 'norm' when we were growing up, eg woman tied to the kitchen sink and man out at the pub type thing, obviously i've completely rebelled against this way of life, but he is having more difficulty with this as it bloody well suits him and his previous partner indulged this shit for the past 20 years (cheers for that one).

He knows he's going to lose me if it keeps up and I see thats killing him, but not enough for him to stop judging by this weekend!

We are meant to be getting married, but i've took my engagement ring off and refused to put it back on.

solidgoldbrass Mon 15-Oct-12 14:07:57

How does he expect you to 'help' him? Would it by any chance mean shut up and put up with it?

You are doing the right thing in getting rid of him: while some alcoholics do stop drinking (and some even learn to control their drinking so they can have a couple of pints on a Saturday and then stop) but they only do so once they are ready. And in some cases they don't ever stop and drink themselves to death.

Best of luck. You can cut yourself off from him; it's probably a good idea to have a chat with CAB and a solicitor about your financial position, sooner rather than later.

lookingfoxy Mon 15-Oct-12 15:40:17

SGB, im a support worker and deal with much worse than him, but i've told him there's no point if he doesn't want to take the first steps himself. I think he's just trying to pass the responsibility of his drinking onto me!! I've told him as much anyway and that I don't want to be his mum/supportworker!! I may want to behave a bit silly myself when home, not be responsible 24/7 (obviously not falling about drunk silly, but don't want to be stern face bossy boots all the time, which is a role I fall into when he's about).

I can cut myself off from him completely if I wish, financially its easy, my house etc, ds is mine alone.

Oh he would love me to shut up and put up and I can put up with a lot, but this I just can't, I think as im getting older i am very less tolerant for bullshit.

Scarynuff Mon 15-Oct-12 21:34:53

You are doing all the right things, foxy and by sticking to it, you are actually 'helping' him. You are giving him the message that he has to choose between you and alcohol. Now it's down to him.

It could be a long haul before he gets his drinking under control (if ever). Are you really willing to stick around and wait all that time. I would suggest that you get on with your life, enjoy yourself, support him as a friend by not enabling him or covering up for him anymore, and put this relationship on the back burner for now.

Only time will tell and not many of us have a lot of time to waste.

lookingfoxy Wed 17-Oct-12 23:45:25

Ha just had an ultimatum!
He said I had a week to make my mind up about him moving back in or he couldn't do this anymore.
I told him he might as well fuck off just now then.
Its a script isn't it, i've had all the begging as well, guess its the angry one next!

joblot Thu 18-Oct-12 07:29:36

Good for you, standing your ground. You deserve much more. He sounds selfish and unable to empathize (and the rest) Not good qualities in a partner. Hope you have some nice stuff planned to keep your mind off it all

solidgoldbrass Thu 18-Oct-12 07:40:22

Well done. He sounds like the typical alcoholic really: selfish and unwilling to take responsibility.

Don't be afraid or ashamed to call the police if you have to ie if he starts turning up on the doorstep banging and howling.

Scarynuff Thu 18-Oct-12 08:09:00

Well done. It just shows that he had no intention of changing really did he? He was just making a token gesture whilst waiting for you to 'get over it'.

Be strong, get on with enjoying your own life and, like sgb says, don't be afraid to call the police if he harrasses you or makes any kind of nuisance of himself.

Maybe, when he sees that you are serious, he might decide to do something about his drinking, but maybe not. There's nothing you can do about that. It's up to him.

lookingfoxy Thu 18-Oct-12 09:18:48

He's gave me the ultimatum cos he's shitting himself and he's grasping at straws to see what will work, its as if I can see it so clearly (well thats what it seems like to me).

I do have another complication that he doesn't know about in that I found out im pregnant with a much wanted 2nd child. I can't tell him as he'll use this as leverage.

I won't need to call the police, he knows I wouldn't think twice about doing so if I needed to.

We really need to have a serious talk, last night he feigned suprise that he had been chucked out over his drinking, I mean really what did he think had led to this! Going to put ds to bed early tonight so we can talk about this properly, he's said all the right words before, so that won't cut it, he really needs to stop drinking or drink on a normal level if thats possible.

Im just really sounding off by posting on here, im quite private in real life so there's no way I would be telling people all this !

MyDonkeysAZombie Thu 18-Oct-12 09:27:56

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Really this absolutely confirms you have to stand your ground. He gave you an ultimatum?! Be strong, good luck.

mummytime Thu 18-Oct-12 09:37:19

Having a second child by yourself without an alcoholic partner is much much easier than having it with him around.
You have a few months before you need to tell him about the baby. Stand firm. He needs it as you know, to have a chance of getting his drinking under control. Your baby doesn't need an alcoholic Dad around.

I would also think carefully about your drinking. 1 bottle over 2 nights on your own, seems a bit much to me, although I expect you aren't drinking at all now.

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