My mother is doing something very wrong and i don't know how to handle it

[zombieplanmum]

I don't think she is "well". I suffer from depression and anxiety myself so the flags are flying high.

Brief backstory - i dont want to drip feed by neitehr do i want to out myself: My mother thinks her sister has damaged something of hers, has spent the last two weeks ranting about it, trying to "fix" it and really, making it worse. They have a volatile relationship to say the least, her sister is not in the country - oh she is 84, my mother 76. Realistically, i honestly don't think the sister has done this but to complicate things there is history so its not completely random accusation iyswim. So every day i have had phone calls where my mother has said vile things about her sister, and plotting her "revenge". I cannot disagree with my mother because she doesn't have anyone else to keep an eye out for her and if i disagree i am "against her" and she wont see or speak to me. So i just say yes and know in the right places and try not to say anything inflammatory.

One of her "plans" was to borrow money from teh sister and then refuse to pay it back as it will cover the damage done to her stuff.

She has only gone and done it :( But worse, her sister has offered to give her the money and will transfer a not inconsiderable amount of money into my mums account. The only saving grace is that my mum doesn't know what her bank account number is and i have refused to tell her how to find it on her bank statement. I have told her i don't want to be involved (obviously) I haven't heard from mum since this phone call. I hope she couldnt find it, im 80% confident she wont be able to. But also i am now expecting my aunt to phone me and it will put me in a position where i will either have to tell a bare faced lie or let the cat out of the bag.

I'm in such a bind - i dont know what to do.

Totally irrelevant - the aunt has so much money she doesn't know what to do with it, so whilst it is a fair amount of money to me, to her, is not really THATmuch, it will be of no detriment for her to give it to her sister. BUT that is really no excuse is it? It is however the only thing that makes me think just let it go - because this will mean that a) my mother will "get her own back" and hopefully be able to move on, and b) her sister will be devestated by the accusation and the fact that my mother is doing this to her.

I am at a loss at how to handle this, i have told my mum i will not lie to my aunt and i wouldnt help her get the bank account number (but she may just as easy take herself of to the bank on monday to find this out!). I feel that i can't let her do this but if i take any positive steps to stop her she will feel betrayed and cut contact.

any ideas?

Im starting to be concerned for her mental health too, its not dementia (ive been trhough that with my dad) but shes depressed isn't she?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Show your DM where to find the bank account number but in an 'on your own head be it' spirit. If you are asked a direct question by your aunt, tell the truth. Otherwise, really stay out of it. Any more complaining on the part of your mother answer with 'it is none of my business'.

You are not responsible for anyone's behaviour or anyone's feelings except your own. They may be elderly but they are also grown-ups and should be able to resolve difficulties between themselves.

[zombieplanmum]

Thanks Cogito - that is pretty much how im seeing it but its all going to blow up i know, she has lied to her sister in such a way that it is bound to be exposed as a lie, or at the very least suspicious. My mum has always been unreasonable like this, it is bourne out of jealousy, sibling rivalry i suppose. She is so unhappy :(

[purplehouse]

Yes agree that if asked direct q by aunt, tell the truth. But precede it by saying that you don't think your mum is well and that you did not want to upset your mum.

[izzyizin]

If your aunt isn't in the country, has she had opportunity to damage whatever it is your dm is claiming has been damaged by her?

If not, are you certain that this latest in what may be a long line of irrational paranoia on the part of your dm is not an early symptom of senile dementia?

[zombieplanmum]

izzy, the alleged damage was 8 years ago - i would agree with you about the dementia but she has always been like this

[izzyizin]

8 years ago? Oh dear.

I had some similar experience with a dearly loved relative and it took a while for me to realise that their usual persona had been compromised by the onset of dementia.

If your aunt should question you in connection with your dm's need for this not inconsiderable amount of money, perhaps you could suggest that all may not be well with your dm's present state of mind?

If I were you I'd be endeavouring to have your dm assessed by a gerontologist to rule out, or rule in as the case may be, any deterioration in her reasoning powers due to the ageing process.

[SackGirl]

I completely agree that honesty is the best policy, maybe even for you to phone your aunt and tell her without being asked. You could flag up your concern for you DM and seen as your Aunt is so willing to help her out with money, I'm sure she would feel some concern also? Or wouldn't she?

[fiventhree]

I dont think at all it is best to call up the sister and eveal the plan. Your mum would see it s treachery.

Maybe get them togethe and engineer a light discussion about the broken item, and stand up to your mother that she may have broken it, but then again she may not have, or she may have and not be aware of it!!

Sheesh, dont we expect better of our own kids than these old ladies?

[DistanceCall]

Doesn't sound like depression -- depressed people get sad, not angry. And your mother sounds like she's really, really pissed off with your aunt.

I would stay out of it altogether.