Should I stay or should I go?

[Notyourmumsnickname]

Have name changed as dont want to out myself.

I had my DD 16 weeks ago, it's been quite a tough ride as she had terrible reflux, projectile vomiting after every feed which in turn led to her feeding at least every 2 hours day and night. I was also diagnosed with post-natal depression and developed OCD with it- repeated cleaning routines and anxiety attacks etc.

DD refuses a bottle so I can't have much time away from her. I have managed a couple of hours here and there but very very rarely.

DP and I hadn't been living together long before I got pg- it was unplanned yet we were using contraception. We discussed it and decided we always wanted to have kids so we would go for it.

I now don't feel sure about my relationship. DP works very long hours in a high-flying profession so I often don't see much of him. When he is home he would rather be attach to his iPad than help with our daughter. He will do things grudgingly and I feel upset that our daughter is missing out.

I do most of the cooking, cleaning, washing etc. I don't mind this but I constantly ask him to make things easier for me e.g put plates in dishwasher or pick dirty clothes off the floor but he changes for a couple days then goes back to his old ways.

I confessed the other day that I have been feeling quite stressed with everything and he cracked: "you chose to stay at home and look after DD"

I feel so angry and upset with him, he can't handle looking after her for any amount of time and I haven't given up work- I go back full time in Jan at which point I will be earning more than him again.

I feel like I am a single parent doing it all myself, I am trapped right now as SMP doesn't go far so I am eating into my savings to pay the bills. When I go back to work I wonder if I should move into somewhere on my own with DD.

Sorry for my rant!

[arthriticfingers]

Go!!!

[arthriticfingers]

I was in your position 30 years ago.
I stayed.
Please don't let that happen to you.
Go. Now. While you can.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"We discussed it and decided we always wanted to have kids so we would go for it."

Did he actually say that or was it just some fantasy ideal of being 'dad' that appealed, rather than the reality of late night feeds and wiping vomit off shoulders? You didn't start off with much of a foundation to the relationship and, if it's not rock-solid to start with, even the slightest challenge can show up the cracks.

I'd normally say 'go' but, given that everyone in your story is under a great deal of stress of one form or another, I think you need to talk calmly about where you see the relationship going.... is it working... is it ever going to work... what would help... what doesn't help... and allow everyone to articulate their feelings in a non-accusatory, as- unemotional-as-you-can manage, way. Then go.

[Notyourmumsnickname]

Cogito I think it was the fantasy that appealed- he would easily do the fun stuff with her for hours on end but doesn't like the practical bits.

[QuintessentialShadows]

So, your SMP is not covering your expenses and you use your savings. What about your dp, what does he pay? Surely you need to make him fund you staying at home looking after his child? A nanny would require £350 per week plus tax.

[RandomMess]

Can you tell him that you are not coping at the moment and you need help either from him or paid for by him and why on earth isn't he paying out more whilst you're on SMP

[Notyourmumsnickname]

He pays the rent, I pay all the bills. It's just that as my mat leave is coming to an end I am having to dip into my savings to cover the bills (esp as stuff like my car insurance is due next month)

I already have the money for the first month of nursery put aside- we are going to split the cost half and half. He had talked about being a stay at home dad but then admitted he wouldn't be able to cope looking after DD.

[QuintessentialShadows]

How are you this morning?

[Notyourmumsnickname]

Hi Quintessential, I am okay thanks. A bit tired as DD has been having 3 night feeds for the past few days.

Going to go and visit my parents at the end of the week- they stay in Scotland. Think abit of distance will help.

[struggling100]

Get help! As much help as you can! Call in favours from friends and family. Get a nursery or a nanny to take the baby for a few hours a day if you can afford it. Get a cleaner in. Don't worry about dipping into the savings - times like this are what they are FOR. And do NOT feel bad about needing assistance - it does not mean you are a failure, you are just having the most difficult time.

You can't make a decision about something so major as the future of your relationship in this state, and any conversation you have with your partner is going to end in a row. You need space, rest and some time to think carefully about how to handle this. I think you do need to state very clearly to your partner what you need from him in practical terms (not just 'help' but 'I need you to do the nightly bath and the nightly feed', 'I need you to do the sterilizing', 'I need you to hang out the washing' etc. etc. etc.) It's like you need to draw up a contract where you each agree what you'll do but also what you are entitled to (e.g. you get at least a day off a week).

I think the money thing needs handling too. You have a kid together - maybe it's time to pool your resources as see all cash as 'ours', not 'mine' and 'yours'. This will help a LOT in assisting you to see which problems you can solve by throwing a bit of cash at them, and how much you have to spare. Your family as a unit has to come first now, and your child's needs are paramount.

However, now is probably not the time to confront those things. You need to regroup, and approach this as a practical problem first and an emotional issue second.