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Worried I won't be enough for him(9 Posts)
This thread has set me off one
I'm 20. I've been in a LDR for 2 years due me and my partner going to different universities. It's been tough, but fun and probably quite brilliant for the age I am as I have my fun stooodent life with housemates and cheesy chips, but then every other weekend I have a taste of cohabitation, no university, no work, just cooking together and enjoying each others company. I can't wait for them to blend, and as we approach our final year of uni we're making plans for where we're going to go after exams. We study the same thing and are very much focused on walking together in the same direction rather than spending our lives faced directly on one another- iyswim?
Although it really wasn't that long ago- from the ages of 14-17 I had a pretty shit time regarding men (and boys my own age). I had an abusive older boyfriend who was very controlling and a bit loose with his fists after a few drinks. It really fucked me up. I seemed to spiral downwards after that ended, not improve things. From the outset I looked like a vair nice middle class girl who had good grades, but when I went out for a 'sleepover'- I would meet people for mainly sex. Some coerced, sometimes me playing the teenage femme fatale. It was a really confusing time and I'm glad it's all behind me.
DP was the first nice guy I had met. When I tried to sleep with him on the first date as I thought 'that's what you should do to make them like you' million facepalms. He rejected me because I had been drinking, got me some water and held me all night. Since then he's never left my side, even with uni and everything- he's always there. He's perfect. He saved me. He knows all about my passed and my history of depression and has supported me all of the way, and will talk about it whenever I need to let something out.
Although I described a snippet of what seems like a horribly abusive coerced promiscuous sex life. There was nice sex, and alright boyfriends and experimentation thrown into the mix. I've felt like I've lived, experimented- and although me and DP met young- I feel like he's who I'm meant to be with. I love him more than anything.
However, referring back to that thread. This is where I get worried.
I've had lots of sexual partners.
He's just had me. In fact, I adore his purity and the fact he's shared this with me. It almost makes me feel dirty (even though he has said NOTHING to imply this of me) and that I wish I'd have waited for him.
I get worried he will leave as he has not lived enough, he hasn't experimented, like he just wants to shag someone else because he's never had the chance
Is my yoof and inexperience showing? Or is this a valid cause for concern?
I wouldn't worry about it too much. If you are are that much in love, there is no real appeal in shagging around for the sake of it. Obviously, you have to bear in mind that you are both young and might change and grow apart, but that applies regardless of the difference in your past experiences. Why would a sane balanced person chuck in something great for mediocre randoms?
The thread you are worrying about is from someone at a different life stage with different issues. Just enjoy what you've got and take it how it comes.
UltraBOF Thank you, a year ago I might not have worried- but now it's like 'woaaah, we are really in it for the long haul, aren't we?' which brings along lots of happy feelings, but obviously worry too.
And I'd like to believe that a 'sane balanced person' wouldn't chuck something great in for randoms, but from months of lurking on this site, especially this board- it seems like DPs and DHs who are thought to be sane and balanced do.
But like I alluded to, my mental state is not great and I'm sure it is a result of my experiences. He's never done or said anything to make me worry...
He knows about your past, he loves you for who you are and he hasnt taken advantage of you.
Those are the facts.
Dont borrow trouble, just be happy that you have found each other at a time when you have years and years ahead of you.
And imo virginity is a state of mind. He is the first man that you have given yourself to, heart, soul and mind. That makes him your first too
And if you are worried about your mental health as a result of your earlier experiences then ask for counselling. The issues wont go away if you pretend they arent there. You Uni should offer counselling that will help.
Take care xx
If it helps, my past is pretty much like yours( ie. middle class slapper! ). And my mum has confided in me after a few glasses of wine, that hers was pretty much like that. But my dad was quite the innocent when he met her. And they have been together since they were 17 and have been married 31 years.
DON'T feel guilty about your past. It can make you very vulnerable, as you ahev found out. I met a man who i thought I loved at 19. He appeared to love me, but called me names, despite knowing nothing about my past, and verablly and physically abused me. My guilt and self-loathing allowed it to continue.
If you take anything from the thread to which you refer, notice how many of us have "pasts". And how many of us have loving relationships now in which we are very happy. Count your blessings. Looks like you have a keeper in your dp.
Please don't let your past colour your future. The bad start you experienced may seem a large part of your life so far, but you have your whole life ahead of you and with the passing years will become no more than a blip.
You are so lucky to have met a good guy! Enjoy your luck! Don't spoil it by beating yourself up about a bad choice when you were little more than a child.
I think because it was an abusive relationship it will have left it's scars, but you need to get it straight in your head that it was about that one particular person not about you or your DP. You are maybe reading things about disfunctional men and projecting that onto your DP as you have personal experience of an awful man.
No one knows what the future holds, but I do know if you have a good partner and you love one another you will have a happy life whatever life throws at you.
I have had the same worries as OP.
we are now 27 and married.
I don't think I had anything to worry about really as he is still totally devoted.
However, I a realist and know that things happen, things may change, so I just make the most o the present and not worry about the future.
Shit happens and of it does I will deal with it then, no point worrying about something that hasn't and might never happen
Hey everyone. Thanks all. It's been my first chance since I've posted to check the replies.
I've stopped taking medication and counseling as my doctor said I was better. I was enjoying life, excited about things, doing lots, up early, generally happy. I still am doing all these things but I can't help all these dark thoughts and worries about what the future holds. I'm quite an anxious person and the only time I feel completely 100% better is when I'm with him.
Just hoping that the next year goes by quickly
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