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Am I being manipulated here?

(5 Posts)
tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Fri 12-Oct-12 23:39:19

Will try to be brief.

Dh and I are separating. He abused me emotionally for years. I have wanted out for a long time, stayed out of guilt, fear, etc. It was decided in February but we are still under the same roof sad

I have had no contact whatsoever from his family (who I always got on well with). Many mutual friends have sided with him - he got them onside from go by sending a round robin email out behind my back saying how sad he was and making it clear that it was all at my instigation. He's nice with everyone who isn't his wife, so he is seen as the injured party.

Never mind that I stayed for years in total misery and only found the guts to end it because I knew I'd commit suicide if I didn't.

We have a second home, much closer to my parents than where we live. When we took dc up there when they were small, they would always come over and see us. Latterly, he has taken dc up there on his own (I'm doing a demanding Uni course and I let him take the kids away to get some space from him because he's always around). My parents go and see him and the dc when they are there.

This weekend, he is going on his own.

He emailed my mum and said he was going, also mentioned that he was taking dc in half term.

He airily told me they were going over to see him, and said 'I told them it might be a bit boring if it was just me/I didn't know what we'd do' etc as if they really want to see him.

Spoke to mum today and not quite the same story. His email made her feel they OUGHT to go and see him.

Also it was my brother's son's birthday this week. He offered to get a card and a present, as if he was helping out. God knows I had a really busy week, so I agreed (also pretty crap on what to buy boys). Anyway, he bought the present and the card and wrote in the card, got my dd to sign it and left a tiny space for me to write my name.

I mind a bit about all this. He knows I feel bad about no contact with MIL and he doesn't want his family to have anything to do with me, but he's all over mine.

Am I being unreasonable here?

out2lunch Fri 12-Oct-12 23:45:24

i'm in a very similar situation
my ex did exactly what yours did with regards to scooting off to see his family for the sympathy vote
any chance he gets he is all over my family too
i just see it really as a sign of his weakness which tbh was a big factor in our split
ime people don't really change - i just ignore his behaviour and don't run him down to anyone, except my parents - other people aren't silly they must see through him

Anniegetyourgun Fri 12-Oct-12 23:50:10

Do try to avoid letting him do you apparent favours; as you have already seen, they come at a price.

Bet he's telling his family you don't want any contact with them, too.

daffydowndilly Sat 13-Oct-12 08:56:56

Don't play his games. If you like his family, get in contact with them and tell them how sad you are not to see them. Go round for a cup of coffee this weekend while he is away if they are nearby, or send a birthday card. My xH informed me not to have direct contact with his parents, but the joy of not having a relationship any longer is I can ignore him.

Why are you still living under the same roof? I could be incandescent about the email he sent round. Mine did a FB message...and it made him look pathetic. Get in touch with friends you like and tell them you miss them, do they want to meet up. If people haven't seen through him, they will not care particularly after the initial shock of the break up.

Detach, see a solicitor, and detach.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Sun 14-Oct-12 21:26:18

Thank you very much for the replies.

daffy we are still under the same roof because our buyers pulled out earlier this year and it's taken a long time to get another buyer. We are now due to exchange. It has been very difficult. I have a house to move into, but for various logistical/financial reasons haven't moved in yet. The previous owners stripped it, left it filthy and I wanted to decorate - downstairs and dc's rooms - before moving in.

I'm moving next weekend and feel very wobbly.

I think once I have moved I will start getting in touch with people. I have been hidden in a shell, living a very insular life for the last few months.

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