Irrationally angry

[Patron]

We are redecorating the house, my husband has taken a week off work so while I was at work today he did NOTHING. He said I hadn't picked out the paint. I am just so angry that yet again I have to make all the decisions and tell him what to do. I was at work today so he could have prepped or painted the woodwork or ceilings but because I wasn't there telling him exactly what to do and when he did absolutely nothing. He is so passive, he doesn't seem able to do anything without me telling him what to do, to the outside world it looks like he is being kind and considerate by letting me decide everything, but it is so bloody wearing, he never does anything with the children unless I tell him what to do, he would never think to suggest we go out or do something nice. He just waits for me to tell him what to do. I hate it so much, how can I make him understand that I just want him to be more proactive, I have talked to him about this until I am blue in the face. Does anyone else have this, any strategies to encourage change?

[Mum2Fergus]

How have you reacted/responded in the past to him being proactive? Has he perhaps felt undermined, have you over-ridden or changed his plans/thoughts/suggestions to suit that of your own...to the extent that he doesnt feel its worth bothering anymore? Just a thought from my experience with ExP, I just left everything to his accord in the end.

[Patron]

I really don't think so to that extent. I am not afraid to speak my mind, but I also am far more affectionate and kind than he is. I think he is very lazy and just doesn't want to think. But sometimes nor do I.

[Patron]

And it really isn't about choosing the paint colour, I admit i would be better at it than him, but he can't even do any prep for the actual painting without me guiding him through it. He also NEVER tidies things away......because he doesn't know where things go he has lived here as long as I have!

[myroomisatip]

Insightful Mum2Fergus....

Same here! Constant criticism and being challenged on every decision does have that effect on me also.

I guess his being so passive reflects low self esteem. I dont know what to suggest really. Do you involve him in decision making?

[UltraBOF]

It could be that. Or he could just be lazy. Hard to tell from the OP.

[Patron]

Even if it were the case that he has felt over-ruled by me in the past (which I don't really think so) why does he do it with the kids? I think it is really affecting their relationship, it feels like he doesn't value them (or me) enough to do things with them/us.

[Dryjuice25]

Dp is like that. He has zero initiative. I make 98% of the decisions and I'm weary and feel burdened. He is a man-child and I resent mothering him. He gets angry/aggressive and defensive if I point this out. He has self-esteem issues and is not used to making any decisions as he was the baby of the family. I totally get you.

[garlicbutty]

Patron, were you attracted by his passivity in the early days?

[Patron]

He wasn't passive. he had passion and would fight for what he thought was the right thing, now he just rolls over and takes it! I know he had a tough time at work and it knocked his self-esteem, but I have been there and picked myself up from far far worse. I hate his weakness

[amillionyears]

Do you think he may have depression?
Does he get excited by anything?
What is his relationship like with his parents.

[SackGirl]

My partner is very passive, he has to be told what to do any when. It does my nut in, he knows it does!! He does make efforts now and then when he see's its all getting too much for me. Bless him he tries. Sometimes I would just like it if he was like 'right we're going out to do this today' without giving me a choice!!

[amillionyears]

Have you told him that SackGirl?
Has he done it before,and you didnt like the result?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If he has become entirely dependent on you to do his thinking for him, then you have to withdraw the service. My suggestion therefore would be to back off and let him be. Praise any hint of initiative, ignore the rest. Things won't get done or they won't get done to your satisfaction to start with but, all the time you're carrying him, he has no incentive to behave any differently.

[garlicbutty]

Thanks for your reply, Patron. It's very significant that it's developed since traumatic events at work. That you've recovered from "worse" doesn't mean anything in the greater scheme of things, I'm afraid, as different abuses affect individuals in different ways.

I had a major breakdown in response to abuses at work and home. I suspect people who've known me since before it happened are bewildered by the radical changes in me, not for the better in outward terms. I was diagnosed with PTSD and still have anxiety disorder & depression (we don't do CPTSD - complex ptsd - in this country, but one of you might want to read a little about it).

In a nutshell, bullies abuse you for doing what you do well. When they succeed in breaking your confidence, the psychological effect can be to 'prove' that being your best self causes pain. Overall, it wrecks your understanding of yourself and leaves you horribly afraid to be yourself. Nasty stuff.

I don't know how much of all this you've discussed with DH or how aware he is of his changes. I'd certainly say it's worth his doing some reading around psychological trauma and bullying; it's also worth googling "psychological injury" as that's what it is.

He may need support from you to regain his confidence, in little steps. He may also benefit from antidepressants and/or talking therapy. It might not work. You're not responsible for his recovery so, if were to all get too much for you long term, you'd be justified in calling time. Just for now, though, I thought it's probably worthwhile highlighting the link to you and recommending some supportive confidence-building.

Wishing you both the best :)

[garlicbutty]

My suggestion therefore would be to back off and let him be. Praise any hint of initiative, ignore the rest. Yes, agree with you here, Cogito.

[Patron]

Thank you for all your responses and thank you for sharing your experiences garlic. I know I sound incredibly unsupportive and cold hearted but he brought an awful lot of his problems on himself and I guess that is why I just want him to 'get over it'. I am trying to back off, but at the moment I could scream because nothing ever gets done and it is really affecting my family.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Encourage him to explore the depression possibility with his GP. It's a tough one to suggest to someone but, if he is struggling, he's not just going to 'get over it'. He'll need help.

[Feckbox]

Patron, are you my best friend in real life?

She has exactly this situation with her dh.She has used exactly your vocabulary to describe the problem.
I t really really gets her down. She has discussed it with him ( and me !) for years to no avail.

They are both absolutely lovely people .

This may not be the case with you but she has a tendency to be a bit full on , bossy and occasionally aggressive towards him. She would argue this is because he is such a passive wooss.

I think he feels emasculated by her. But I can see that one feeds off the other and it does seem an intractable situation.

[garlicbutty]

Just by the by, is there a feminine equivalent of 'emasculated'?

Or do we mean disempowered/depowered and it's only the boys who get a special word coz they're all masculine, like?

(I know the answer. I'm having one of those ongoing genderised irritant explosion moments!)

[Feckbox]

Garlic

[madas]

I never pick the paint colour, my DW says if i had my way it would look like a brothal or a public toilet. She does have a point tho :)

[BessieMcBean]

I was going to suggest sitting down on a Sunday night with a piece of paper and dviding it down the middle with what I am going to do one side and what He is going to do on the other, and sort out who does what using which untensils, found in which cupboard, and which colour of paint when, for the coming week.

I mean he can fill in his side but might need advice on where things are kept then there is no excuse. Child oriented duties could be included.

I am a bit of a stand back and don't step in until needed (though I do any decorating, not DH, so not as bad as described above) type. I'm not sure if it's because I don't like the limelight/ am basically lazy or what but I recently discovered by reading 'the introvert advantage' that I tick all the introverted boxes. So perhaps that influences DH's behaviour.

Agree that a bit of recognition and thanks for any good deed done goes a long way in any relationship and it's easy to take people for granted and forget.

[RobynRidingHood]

I have to say, if I asked my DH to decorate he would insist I chose everything, he'd in put the labour, but the choice would be mine. Mind you he is colour blind

[BessieMcBean]

Am overseas and DH chose the sofa and bed cover before I got here. Sofa is dingey brown/ mushroom/maroon flower and leaf combo moquette and bed cover beige with rust and olive rose/leaf/flower pattern I kid you not.

He was quite proud of his choices

[MeeWhoo]

How about telling him he is in charge of a whole "project" so to speak? You can tell him he is in charge of the painting as a whole and it needs to be done by xxx, whereas you will be in charge of x,y and z. Then you don't get involved at all and keep telling him it's up to him to decide if he starts asking lots of questions. you will have to bite your tongue if you don't like the way he is doing it or the end result but maybe he might actually do something.

I have been guilty of the same kind of thing at home, i like to know who is doing what, if we are both meant to do it together then it's very easy for me to take a back seat and never decide anything.