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Am I overreacting to be upset about this?

(40 Posts)
SlightlyConfusedAlwaysMad Fri 12-Oct-12 20:38:51

I started dating a family friend a few months ago and because of the close ties we said we would keep it quiet at first and see how we got on. The other week we spoke about it and decided we weren't ready to tell people but no more sneaking around, avoiding people but if we were asked we wouldn't lie. A couple of hours ago I had an incident at the pub (no alcohol involved) and left visibly shaken and upset. My nd was walking in with a group of he's friends as I walked out. He said not a word and I haven't heard a peep from him since.

lisaro Fri 12-Oct-12 20:41:16

What's your question?

ParsleyTheLioness Fri 12-Oct-12 20:46:06

If he saw you were upset, it would be normal to be concerned, whether as a family friend or lover. I would be upset too.

geegee888 Fri 12-Oct-12 20:48:53

He ignored you in public (whether upset or not). Yes, I'd be upset. I'd either think him totally spineless or to be hiding something.

familyscapegoat Fri 12-Oct-12 20:51:00

Family friends don't ignore eachother and if one is upset and has had a bad experience, the other offers to help. I think he wanted the secrecy for other reasons. Either he isn't proud of going out with you or he doesn't want either you or anyone else finding out his secrets.

Donkeysdontridebicycles Fri 12-Oct-12 20:59:41

Doesn't sound very nice of him. I would consider him a dead loss, sorry.

Are you all right now, have you got someone with you?

SlightlyConfusedAlwaysMad Fri 12-Oct-12 21:17:40

Thanks you've all confirmed what I was thinking.

I'm ok thanks Donkey just been walking around clearing my head so I can think clearly. Gonna grab a takeaway, head home and watch a film

EverybodysSpookyEyed Fri 12-Oct-12 21:31:27

Are you sure he saw you?

If he did, then yes it is odd behaviour on his part

SlightlyConfusedAlwaysMad Fri 12-Oct-12 21:35:45

Absolutely positive he had to step back to let me out the door. I've just heard from him though. Apparently he's having trouble finding somewhere to play pool

EverybodysSpookyEyed Fri 12-Oct-12 21:42:31

Well giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe you didn't look as visibly upset as you thought and he couldn't see you clearly?

The initial incident sounds like he was being an arse for an unknown reason (boyfriend or just family friend, the normal thing to do would be to stop)

I'm just surprised he hasn't mentioned it in his text either.

Is this really the first time he has behaved in this kind of way? From your history with him as a friend/boyfriend does this seem completely out of character? Or now you think about it, it isn't really?

Hope you have found a nice film to watch and you feel better after the experience in the pub

SlightlyConfusedAlwaysMad Sat 13-Oct-12 11:08:03

He does have form for avoiding things that he's not sure how to handle. So the few texts I received last night were probably he's way of checking up on me, when all I needed was to be asked if I was ok. I would have said I was and to enjoy he's evening but I would have appreciated the gesture.

People that went in the pub last night heard what had happened and text to see if I was ok and if they could do anything but not my supposed boyfriend.
I ended up having a Greece marathon whilst drinking vodka and singing along loudly andbadly so ended up having a good night smile

amillionyears Sat 13-Oct-12 11:27:40

Some people have to be taught things that other people think are obvious.
I would find out from him whether he definitely saw what happened. if he did,then tell him what you would have liked him to do.
It sounds like to me it is time for your relationship to go public. If he says no,then he may not be very commited to you.

SlightlyConfusedAlwaysMad Sat 13-Oct-12 11:50:35

I think your right million last night I was ready to end straight away but this morning although disappointed I feel I should give him a chance and talk about what happened. Also to be fair to him in the past when he's done or not done something that's upset me I have spoken to him and its never happened again, so he does try.

Going public is definitely going to have to be the way forward though. The secrecy leads to to much insecurity.

Feckbox Sat 13-Oct-12 11:55:43

Have you told him that you were upset last night or asked him if he noticed?

SlightlyConfusedAlwaysMad Sat 13-Oct-12 12:03:39

Not yet. I'm letting him sleep off he's hangover before having a proper conversation with him

HissyByName Sat 13-Oct-12 13:40:03

WHY are you keeping this a secret? How OLD are the pair of you, this does (please forgive me) make you both sound REALLY young and bordering on silly.

are you both free to date? above the age of consent?

Who cares what other people think about whether or not you are going out or not? what business is it of theirs? What do you care about what others think of who you are or are not going out with.

That's one issue.

The other, more important issue is that AS A FRIEND, this bloke saw you visibly shaken and upset and didn't bother his arse to find out why, and if you were OK.

A totally platonic mate would ask, someone you only know in passing might even ask, but someone you are attempting to forge a relationship not asking? ALARM BELLS!

Your inital feeling was to end it. You have now talked yourself round and will then be endorsing his lack of care toward you, this will happen again and again.

If he were into you, he'd go public, he'd make bloody sure you were ok and if not he'd ask what he could do.

To me you are selling yourself short, and that means you don't recognise your own value. Dangerous territory. If you don't treat yourself right, look out for yourself and lay down boundaries, codes of respect, how on earth will others know how to treat you as they should.

don't compromise. He let you down, from here he's not even a friend, let alone a boyfriend - you have to see that?

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Sat 13-Oct-12 13:47:26

Why didn't he come after you and ask whether you were alright? It wouldn't have 'given the game away', though I agree that to keep it secret does make it sound very childish.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 13-Oct-12 14:38:20

<tries desperately hard not to post something annoyingly pedantic like "the word is "his", not "he's"... "he's" means "he is" as in "he's coming round later", "his" means "belonging to him" as in "I hurt his feelings">

<fails to stop self>

<logs out in cowardly fashion to avoid seeing rude responses>

duffedup Sat 13-Oct-12 14:42:40

he should have come over to see how you were really and he would of if he cared about you in any real way.

Feckbox Sat 13-Oct-12 15:45:54

we don't yet know whether he noticed she was upset

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Sat 13-Oct-12 15:53:01

The OP said she walked past him, "...visibly shaken and upset."

HissyByName Sat 13-Oct-12 15:53:30

<whispers> Annie.... it could be Autocorrect.....

fairyfriend Sat 13-Oct-12 16:15:16

I agree with Hissy's post. This is a ridiculous situation, you must have very low self esteem. I had a relationship with a guy like that. It did not get any better. Find someone nice.

SlightlyConfusedAlwaysMad Sat 13-Oct-12 17:11:47

I read your post hissy and was instantly making excuses. Your right though I do have low self esteem and have been programmed from birth to make excuses for others shitty treatment of me and to believe it's acceptable which is something I'm working to change but it's not easy.

Thank you for the easy excuse about auto correct but unfortunately it was my mistake I can never keep he's & his or their & there straight no matter how hard I try. I'm a pendants worst nightmare, sorry Annie

EverybodysSpookyEyed Sat 13-Oct-12 21:05:39

Well we all know what you meant!

Secret relationships are hard to progress because you don't do the normal things couples do (meeting up with friends etc). Not sure he's worth another chance but if you think he is then the relationship has to be in the open.

Good luck!

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