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How to get over an emotional affair

(4 Posts)
youliveyoulearn Fri 12-Oct-12 20:02:36

How can you forgive and forget an emotional affair? I found a text from an ex girlfriend and confronted my husband. He had been in contact for 2 years and has said that they only went out to lunch a handful of times and kept in touch by phone. She was married when they first had a relationship and he was hurt very badly by her. He tracked her down on facebook and I believe that he instigated all the contact. She is now divorced. I have spoken to her once and she said they are just friends! My husband does not want to talk about it anymore because he says that there is nothing more to discuss. He says we have both had a wake up call and need to work on our marriage. He says he loves me. He had talked to me on a couple of occasions 2-3 years ago about our relationship saying we were more like brother and sister and he wanted more. At the time I felt pressured and he understood. He is a wonderful person and I can't believe he could do this to me. I have 3 children from a previous marriage now 24, 21 and 17 and we have a child aged 10. My problem is I'm confused and angry. I want to talk more and may be call this woman but think this would be wrong. any suggestions

familyscapegoat Fri 12-Oct-12 20:33:02

How can you forgive and forget? In your case you can't. If you did you'd be mad. Your husband doesn't want you to forgive and forget, he wants you to shut the fuck up and stop asking questions. He went looking for this, has kept a relationship secret from you for 2 years and regards it for some reason as a 'wake up call' for you as well as him. That means he's blaming you for why he did all of those things. Don't take that blame.

It would be very different if he was genuinely sorry, was willing to tell you the truth and answer all your questions. Chances are if you had that sort of chat, you might both be able to agree where there were faults on both sides in your relationship. But that isn't happening.

Usually the reason a man wants to stop talking about his emotional affair is because it didn't stop there and sex happened. Like everything else, he doesn't want to take responsibility for that though so he will only admit to what he knows you can prove.

purplehouse Fri 12-Oct-12 20:38:00

Utter bullshit that it was just lunch and phoning for 2 years. Are they 12 years old? Sorry to say this, but they are adults (and presumably had sex when they were going out) so given that, I would be 99% sure sex was involved.

Also, in affair recovery, one of the most important things is for the cheater to provide all the information requested. Your H is unwilling to do this because it is much worse than lunch and phoning.

purplehouse Fri 12-Oct-12 20:39:27

talking to the other woman is pointless. she's clearly a liar. she isn't going to tell you the truth.

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