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Do you think you are loved “properly?”;

(82 Posts)
wildwestapplepie Fri 12-Oct-12 18:53:28

I once read in a book that “Love is only as big as is a sacrifice we are willing to make for it” (sorry this is a translation and maybe not a good one but I hope you understand me). I often think about this and wonder. How much is my DH willing to sacrifice for me?
Do you think your husband loves you the way he should. Does he care about you, your problems, your aches and pains, your feelings, your needs? Is he willing to make sacrifice for you, what sort, how much?

Shybairns Fri 12-Oct-12 18:57:11

My husband always put conditions on his love for me. He wanted me thinner, smarter dressed, a tidier house, etc.

Am divorcing him.

I want unconditional love. I believe I can give it so therefore I can expect it in return.

LynetteScavo Fri 12-Oct-12 18:57:24

Yes, I am very lucky. My DH made it very clear to his family within a few months of meeting me I came first.

I have tested my DH quite a lot, and he's taken everything I've thrown at him. More importantly he has almost literally walked over hot coals for our DC.

He is a truly great bloke. smile

racingheart Fri 12-Oct-12 19:00:51

I don't think that's a good description of love. It's not a sacrifice. That suggests you give things up for love, whereas you gain things.

I feel loved. DH is kind, complimentary, trustworthy. Loads of things he does or doesn't do might make someone else feel unloved but that's not how I react to them. Things I do (constantly forgetting our anniversary) could make some people feel unloved but he knows I love him.

Of course, there have been huge sacrifices along the way. I made some colossal ones for him and he has for me. But they've come because we are a unit, a pair, so we discuss things and decide things which sometimes fall in one person's favour and sometimes in the other's. It balances out.

If I began checking against a list of things DH did or didn't do to make me feel loved, I'd actually wonder how much i loved him, not vice versa. If it came to a tallying, I'd be concerned I wasn't fulfilling my own life or needs and was looking to him to bolster me, which isn't a good sign.

Bonsoir Fri 12-Oct-12 19:03:16

Yes, I know my DP loves me and I love him. We make decisions for us as a couple and for our family to the best of our abilities and we truly want everyone to be happy. And we just love being on our own together without the DCs...

wordfactory Fri 12-Oct-12 19:08:20

DH loves me very deeply.
He can be a bloody awkward customer at times, but ultimately he ensures that I am always well cared for.

As my Mum says, he is not effusive (no hearts and flowers LOL), but she has never worried about me one jot since I met him and she says she will die knowing I will be looked after wihtout question.

I don't think there's much more I could ask for.

wildwestapplepie Fri 12-Oct-12 19:12:05

Wow, I am so happy to see that there are so many happy couples out there. I must say I had my doubts.

TherapeuticVino Fri 12-Oct-12 19:14:12

My husband adores me - I could not be more loved. Having come from a shitty violent broken home and watched a hideously nasty divorce I am still stunned that I have found this. Every decision he makes centres around how it will protect/help/please me.

I genuinely worry that if something ever happened to my DH I know that no-one else could love me as much as he loves me.

wordfactory Fri 12-Oct-12 19:15:38

Don't get me wrong wildwest DH and I have our moments...grin.

But ultimatelyI know he cares for me. Not just in terms of emotion but in terms of practical things. So many things to make me safe and secure.

babesdontlie Fri 12-Oct-12 19:16:38

yes, I know my DH loves me above anything else and would do anything for me.

I have an illness which sometimes wipes me out for a few days at a time. Every morning he asks 'how do you feel today'.

Last month I has a pretty bad day and he said 'please don't die before me, you know I cant manage without you'.

TherapeuticVino Fri 12-Oct-12 19:18:34

babesdontlie Aw bless him sad

weegiemum Fri 12-Oct-12 19:20:51

Yes, I'm loved unconditionally.

I developed a severe disability affecting most things about my life (including, between the treatments I get, pelvic sensation).

My dad asked dh how things were going.

Dh just said "in sickness and in health"!

He's in it for the long haul. I couldn't have had it better!

TherapeuticVino Fri 12-Oct-12 19:21:47

I accidentally overheard DH giving my 3 DCs a pep talk last weekend when they were bickering and driving me mad.

DH "Who is the most important person in this house?"
DCs (in chorus) "Mummy"
DH "And what's the most important thing we can do today?"
DCs (in chorus) "Make Mummy happy"

I pathetically burst into tears (thank goodness they couldn't see me at the top of the stairs!) but I really can't believe my luck to have him!

RubyrooUK Fri 12-Oct-12 19:22:26

Yes, my DH loves me. He loves me when I am grumpy, tired and difficult to love. He isn't perfect and sometimes drives me mad but I've always known that I (and now our DS even more than me) come first for him.

I have never met anyone who thinks love and relationships are so simple. I'm all about "Will we last? Is this forever? Can relationships really survive a lifetime? Whereas DH looks at me like I'm mental and says "Yes, we'll work it out. We love each other. We're a family."

It's a very seductive mindset for a pessimist like me.

PeachTown Fri 12-Oct-12 19:26:13

Yes. I'm very lucky to have him. vino I love that story.

raskolnikov Fri 12-Oct-12 19:28:22

Same as Shy, I wasn''t thin enough, pretty enough, young enough, tidy enough - I divorced him. I remember telling him once if I was permanently disfigured/disabled in an accident I knew he wouldn't hang around- no question in my mind. I had a skiing accident a few years ago and was brought home by air ambulance - he thought I was being melodramatic!

Cherish what you've got, ladies.

Yes. I have never doubted it in 15 years. He goes out of his way to do little things to make me happy, is always supportive and puts up with all my foibles. He also hates animals and is surrounded by the buggers grin

Llareggub Fri 12-Oct-12 19:33:44

I was told yesterday by someone that he could think of no one else he'd rather be old with.

wildwestapplepie Fri 12-Oct-12 19:40:15

Llareggub are you talking about your husband? If so, never let him go.

GoingBlankAgain Fri 12-Oct-12 19:41:34

I don't think I am, and the sad thing is, I know he's capable.

Servalan Fri 12-Oct-12 19:45:53

I don't feel loved properly, though DH does say that he loves me on the very few occasions when I ask him/try to talk about what's happening to our relationship

I think DH likes me more now I've lost 4 stone (still doesn't want to have sex with me but luckily I've lost the weight for myself this time)

Also, I have OCD, which to be fair is bloody annoying for him to live with. When I'm bad with it, it always really annoys him and he's a constant ball of simmering resentment. I'm not too bad at the moment, and he seems to appreciate this as I'm "making an effort" to get better, but if I have a relapse I know things'll get bad again.

He doesn't want to spend time with me doing stuff alone together and rebuilding our relationship, though we've had a lot of opportunity recently, because he thinks it's too much like hard work with the OCD.

I see glimmers now and again of how things used to be, and I know he comes from a very disfunctional background and finds intimacy hard - most of the time I can coexist OK with him - we get on alright in a housemate kind of a way and we co-parent well - but I do feel sad when I read threads like this.

I wish he loved me unconditionally - but we can't control how people feel about us - and to be honest I've started building more and more conditions on my love for him as I feel it ebbing away

Sometimes I wish I could walk away, but deep down because I took my vows seriously I really want to make it work but don't know how (we are stone broke and cannot afford counselling - have done Relate in the past and the counsellor was about as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike...)

raskolnikov Fri 12-Oct-12 19:53:12

Relate were rubbish, tho to be fair, the counsellor did give my ex an opportunity to say his one and only comment - "she's let herself go". (This was after 17 years of marriage and 3 kids!)

MaeMobley Fri 12-Oct-12 19:55:15

No, I don't feel DH loves me properly and it is really affecting my self confidence.

I feel very lonely within our marriage but am too wimpy to say anything.

Servalan Fri 12-Oct-12 19:56:40

Oh raskolnikov, that's crap sad

I think our Relate counsellor was a bit overawed by my DH (DH realised this too and played on it a bit). By the end the sessions all turned into DH ranting about my OCD for the hour and it all being my fault, taking no accountability for his part in what was going wrong. It was not a positive experience

Servalan Fri 12-Oct-12 19:58:07

Totally relate to the idea of being lonely in the marriage Mae - I feel like that too - and on various occasions I DO say something - and fuck all changes sad

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