Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

when you have finally escaped an abusive relationship...

(85 Posts)
cheesestrung Fri 12-Oct-12 18:25:55

how do you move on? how do you get past what he has said to you, the threats, the put downs followed by the begging, the sorry, I love you, i always will blah blah

How do you move on, trust again? not live in fear.

I am finally out, but feel weird as he has gone but the "threat" hasn't iyswim

anyone felt like this before?

He admitted that his ex wife and person he lived with before said EXACTLY the same as what I have and he'll probably do it again :-( psychologically F***s you up

susiedaisy Mon 22-Oct-12 15:02:48

Cheese don't worry about your son saying things like that, they all do it, why I don't know but they do, maybe fear insecurity anger boredom alsorts of emotions, my youngest dc keeps telling me that no one likes me and I'm sad, this usually happens after he has come back from visiting his dad and new girlfriend, I realise its just his way of dealing with things and to a child it may look like his dad has landed on his feet, new GF, new house, fancy holidays etc etc but I don't let it bother me anymore although to begin with it hurt like buggary! I usually respond with 'that's ok if you feel like that but I still love you' and of course leave the way open for little chats whenever dc need to. We have good days and shit days but overall life's alot better! HTH

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Mon 22-Oct-12 11:44:21

Big hugs, cheese. It sounds like your son is testing you and the timing is bloody awful! She's new and shiny and a bit 'Disney' at the moment, it will pass.

HissyByName Sun 21-Oct-12 22:49:36

If that is what you need to do, you'll be able to do it. But no sudden moves now, eh?

You know your son's words are untrue, she's not his mummy. Seek out the real truth here. Stop. Think. Work this out in your mind.

cheesestrung Sun 21-Oct-12 21:25:13

my son told me he loves her more than me.. he has met her twice... i just feel out of control of my life..
i dont have faith, the only way i feel i will have my time is if i move away, from the family home, from my family and from exh and exp

HissyByName Sun 21-Oct-12 21:20:51

Which tells you that life goes on!

Do the work on you, get yourself match fit, and you too will get there.

Your time will come love, have faith!

cheesestrung Sun 21-Oct-12 20:51:31

thank you. struggling with something different on top of escaping abusive relationship. my exh has a new partner.. everything seems too much sometimes :-(

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Sun 21-Oct-12 12:59:42

Hi cheese, I agree with what Hissy said. You will get through this smile

HissyByName Sun 21-Oct-12 10:56:54

Everything you are feeling is what we ALL felt btw. Remember that? We all got through this, and so will you!

HissyByName Sun 21-Oct-12 10:55:07

When you realise that you're safe, your confidence will return, bit by bit.

Don't worry about ehy he did what he did, that way madness lies! smile you'll never know, and even if you ask him, he'll either lie, or most likely he won't ever know himself. That is HIS problem now.

By ending it, you only need focus on yourself.

Have you read 'why does he do that'?

If not, pleaser read it ASAP, then you'll see what I'm talking about! smile

cheesestrung Sat 20-Oct-12 16:30:56

I feel like i want to escape too, sounds like you are finally free. My mum lives close so it feels wrong, like i have a sense of duty to see her, even though she doesnt add anything to my life, she has the opposite effect, apart from the occasional childcare. I feel a pressure on me when i know she is home and cant relax in my own house...
im day 8, and am thinking about HIM, feeling puzzled as to why he would be so awful, why he would put me under so much pressure? i lost my sense of self :-(
no contact though so done well there.. the adrenaline is dying down.. no idea how to get my confidence back though..

HissyByName Fri 19-Oct-12 19:58:46

My mum lives a couple of villages over, I see her less and less frequently. Her house is on the market, so she's moving hours away. My sister's already moved down there.

I cut my sister out of my life about 6m ago, same for my dad. Just getting rid of them has transformed my life. The only fly in the ointment is Mother, but I know at some point she will go.

She has my son sometimes, so it suits me for now, but when that changes, I'll make no effort to keep in touch.

Mentally neutralising them all in my head has given me so much power. Yes I'm furious still, with them all, but when the last link is broken, I know I'll be alone, but free.

I've met a wonderful man, with similar family issues, and it's great cos he truly understands my situation and supports me in the way I feel. That is worth its weight in gold, let me tell you!

The support on MN is awesome, the FB friends I have as a result are my day to day lifeline.

I'm re-writing my life, the way I want it! :D

sodthis Fri 19-Oct-12 15:00:23

hey cheesestrung its a week since I called the police on my now ex partner. I feel better away from him, no more crying, yes I miss him well the good part of him but I still feel I don't want him anywhere near me or my kids. I started the freedom programme this week and its really helped to realise actually I wasn't being over sensitive, or over emotional, he was wrong to treat me the way he did , he's the one with the problem. Have you got things planned for the weekend, I find keeping busy really helps me xx

cheesestrung Fri 19-Oct-12 09:55:45

Ive got through the 1st week, dont really think it has hit me properly yet. This time last week was horrendous, so much emotion, crying from him etc i felt threatened. HBN you are right.. did you have to move away from your parents to find this happiness? I have had glimmers of the happiness, so it is there and in me :-) its more circumstances holding me back... I know ive done the right thing, very hard detaching though

HissyByName Thu 18-Oct-12 21:40:39

Lovely, not that you need to worry about it now, but when you are ready, you will deal with it, and you will learn, you will be ok.

As quietones says, it has to be dealt with, it won't just go away by itself. Your mum is instrumental in this too. You have a long journey ahead, but one that you must take, and one that you really will feel bloody awesome on the other side.

I know of women going into group therapy over 20 years after they got out, because the issues were still there, she'd never dealt with them.

Remember that no matter how hard things get, it IS something you will get through, you have to get through, and by god you'll feel just bloody awesome when you're on the other side!

That's for you too quietones smile you're doing the right thing, and you will so see that it's worth every penny/second!

cheesestrung Thu 18-Oct-12 21:08:26

thanks, i think at some point i will pick up the phone and speak to WA, i keep going into denial. im looking at pictures of him and thinking did that really happen? he is smiling and to an outsider you would never think... so confused, when i look at pics i think i love him... when i dont and i am going about my everyday life i dont. strange?

itsthequietones Thu 18-Oct-12 20:11:16

You'll get there Cheese, it's still early days. As other posters have said, do things that make you happy, put on a tv program that will make you laugh, read a funny book, look through the mumsnet classic threads (always works for me).

It's been 15 years or more since I got out of an abusive relationship. I still remember what it felt like though. The best advice I can give is to seek help that will help you to heal now, through Women's Aid, counselling, anything that will support you and give you the tools to work through this.

Don't do what I did and minimise what your ex has done. After years of pushing it all aside I've started counselling and it is frightening how much it has affected my life over the years.

cheesestrung Thu 18-Oct-12 19:35:35

yes i feel like i need my "escape" aswell it is about time. i live close to mother who does not have a positive effect..
Ive had a "slump" tonight.. feel low.. just sometimes cannot see a way out, im going through the motions of life.. make sense? Im thinking about ex but not so much the good things, its getting me down. i was getting to such a good place before i met him and it is like he has ruined it. i know this is a state of mind, i just cant seem to pull myself out of it :-(

HissyByName Thu 18-Oct-12 07:45:25

My all the good stuff.denied to me by him, by my family, and shown to me by my friends and boyfriend.

I feel like a toddler sometimes, marvelling at the beauty and wonder of normal life, with normal people in it.

I pinch myself a lot!

All this will be yours too love!

Your feelings are the same as those of us who spent years with our abusers.

We all feel embarrassment, but its misplaced. We did nothing to be ashamed of.

Stay strong, you're on the right track!

cheesestrung Wed 17-Oct-12 22:52:27

thanks HBN.. you still feel like you are waking up now... how much further on are you than me? I know this was a relatively short relationship, however i thinks the effects will last. My confidence is low. No-one knows what happened. For some reason today at work i felt a sense of embarrassment i wonder where that has come from ? maybe because i know what kind of a state i got to? perhaps im being a little paranoid. is this a confidence issue? I do feel like i am returning. i cannot imagine having spent years with this man and feeling trapped there like some do.. i let it go on FAR too long. I was thinking to myself, what if he knocked at my door? and i think my reaction would be to let him in... so strange.. yet i know i NEED to keep away from him

HissyByName Wed 17-Oct-12 16:46:05

With the exeception of the chest pains, I can tell you that I felt EXACTLY as you did.

Locking the front door, putting the chain on knowing he was thousands of miles away really helped too!

The Fog, the clearing mind, everything is what I remember feeling. I STILL feel like I'm waking up... But now from the best recurring dream ever, cos every day gets better!

Well done!

cheesestrung Wed 17-Oct-12 14:30:22

hello. day 5 and i'm feeling better, its slow but im feeling with each day that goes by, im feeling a little bit more like me and my mind is becoming clearer,does that make sense? has anyone ever felt they have "woken up" and actually looked around what is going on around you? I feel like i was trapped with him ..
The pain in chest is anxiety, ive had it many times before, but its gone today.
Im wondering what he is doing, thinking of the nice times, but i know i cant be with him.I feel im getting more courage to be able to "speak" about it iyswim in real life.. so hopefully i will get the courage perhaps to call a support line.. thanks for being there

HissyByName Tue 16-Oct-12 16:03:50

I called WA, to give me the strength to call to book onto the Freedom Programme. Otherwise I had lots of MNers to call on. Typing about stuff is one thing, opening your mouth is another. It was for me anyway.

HissyByName Tue 16-Oct-12 15:00:53

Use whatever support works. No limits! You need lots of real help, but none of that is your fault. I'm not liking the sharp pain in the chest, indeed talk to the Dr, it's probably just stress, but make sure. You'll be OK, everyone wants to help you!

HissyByName Tue 16-Oct-12 14:56:44

Keep posting, it's essential! It's good practice for re-entering normal life.

Check out the Emotional Abuse support thread on here too, the support there is awesome, and everyone just 'gets' it.

You're doing really well love, you'll be fine. Stick with it (and us)!

cheesestrung Tue 16-Oct-12 14:47:28

thank you, i am beginning to feel... and it is getting overwhelming.. a sharp pain my my chest. I have never called a helpline trying to just distract myself.. I'll come to terms with it eventually, i hope it doesnt take as long as i feel it will

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now