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when you have finally escaped an abusive relationship...

(85 Posts)
cheesestrung Fri 12-Oct-12 18:25:55

how do you move on? how do you get past what he has said to you, the threats, the put downs followed by the begging, the sorry, I love you, i always will blah blah

How do you move on, trust again? not live in fear.

I am finally out, but feel weird as he has gone but the "threat" hasn't iyswim

anyone felt like this before?

He admitted that his ex wife and person he lived with before said EXACTLY the same as what I have and he'll probably do it again :-( psychologically F***s you up

HissyByName Sat 13-Oct-12 16:02:33

You SEE? TOLD YOU! Day 2 and you have seen the glimmer! WELL BLOODY DONE LOVE!

His words prove to you sadly that he knew full well what he was doing to you and why.

He knew it was unacceptable and that he still thought it appropriate.

Keep this dreadful person OUT of your life for good.

Don't EVER give him another chance. PLEASE?

You are not being big headed when you say he doesn't deserve you. You are saying the absolute barest minimum of truth. You ARE too good for him.

Imagine the kind of guy that WOULD be good enough for you! THAT'S what you WILL end up with.

I'm almost 2 years down the track after a 10 year DV relationship. I've worked bloody hard to heal, but it's paying off.

I now have the most wonderful, caring, kind and considerate man I have ever met in my life as my gorgeous 6'5" boyfriend. I pinch myself regularly!

Know that all that you have gone through WILL make you stronger and you will be happier than you have ever been in your life, but that there are a few steps you need to make before you get there.

Keep this faith, keep this joy in your sights and know that it is ALL yours, but that you have to work hard and keep focussed and keep walking towards it.

Being dragged down by anyone that is anything less than 100% supportive of you, having anything to do with this ex of yours, or allowing yourself to settle for those that don't put you first and foremost is only going to delay your arrival at the Happiest Point in your life.

Remember, all bad things need negativity to fuel them. Happiness breeds itself. Remove the negative and you will rise up again. Love yourself and others will too.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Sat 13-Oct-12 16:11:21

Hello lovely

It took me a couple of years away from my abusive ex to feel completely 'safe'. Counselling was incredibly helpful too.

You're doing great smile

cheesestrung Sat 13-Oct-12 21:15:39

Hissybyname, wow thanks for your post. how did you meet your new amazing man?
Im not doing too well tonight. may be the fact i have spent all day alone. i keep wondering why, why , why. why did it happen? when i am away from him, i feel i love him. when i was with him, well, i couldnt be with him :-( its so very confusing...

cheesestrung Sat 13-Oct-12 21:16:18

how could someone who loves you call you "headcase"..

jaffacake2 Sat 13-Oct-12 21:22:47

Remember it is all about power and control over you body and mind.
He calls you a headcase to minimise you,make you feel unworthy of him and insecure. By doing that he has complete control over you.
When you are stronger you will realise this relationship was not grounded in respecting you as a person who has needs but is also an independant strong woman. He wouldnt be able to cope if you showed him that you are not in his power
Move on,build yourself up,love someone who deserves you.

HissyByName Sat 13-Oct-12 21:39:22

Darling, you have to walk before you can run!

You'll get to where I am, you really will, but there are steps you can't skip on the way. I told you where I am so you can see that that glimmer is real! It gets bigger and brighter, the glimmer becomes a glow, a shine, brilliant. There were times I was overwhelmed by how happy I felt. But there was a great deal of pain I had to let go of before then. No-one told me it'd be ok, that I'd ever heel happy, so I'm hoping me showing you that the grass this side is so luscious and green and that it's all yours, will help keep you focussed!

You will feel awful at times, you will cry, you will miss the good times. Remember though that each good time was overshadowed by the more frequent bad times.

It's so common for us to normalise everything, doing the freedom programme willhelp you see just how much un-normal stuff was reprogrammed in your life to allow him to keep abusing you.

You're starting counselling soon aren't you, that'll help.

My mantra was The truth will set you free. The truth about what he did, the truth about why (because he wanted to) and the truth that it was wrong, and that you deserve better.

You may not have any family support (I didn't, most DV victims don't) but I had MN, and it was my lifeline. Use it, and me if that helps, as much as you need to.

This time next year, I know where you'll be, and that's blissfully happy. No matter how hard the path becomes to follow in the meantime, keep focussed on the other side!

HissyByName Sat 13-Oct-12 21:42:37

Oh.. Your question... Internet dating!

Yeah! Me!

Thing is, internet dating is a good and quick training ground... When you're ready though!

When the time comes, we'll help you through that minefield too! :D

cheesestrung Sat 13-Oct-12 22:26:54

thanks HBN
I am trying to keep strong, i dont want to feel the pain though, i just dont and i know it is there waiting to come out. I wouldnt be able to talk to my family about this, i dont want to. i met him online :-(
i feel like i am never going to get out of feeling stuck, Im feeling back to square one, following my divorce and trying to learn to trust again. At the moment, i dont think i will ever be ready :-(
I am so pleased you have got to that place. Im feeling it is going to take a lot longer than a year for me

HissyByName Sat 13-Oct-12 22:38:49

Don't underestimate yourself!

I met my abuser in RL. If you're vulnerable, if you don't know what to look for, if you have no back up, no hgood examples to follow,how on earth are you going to know?

I want you to unnderstand that yes you will feel some pain, any end of a relationship will do that to you, but you can and will learn from it, it will pass, and life will be better. Understand that you will gain from feeling these feelings, yes, you heard me. You will gain!

Have faith. It's too early for you to worry about what's next, the only subject you need to care for is you.

You can handle this, you will get through this, we've got your back. You can lean on us! We'll not let you fall!

You got through Day 2!

See? You did that!

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Sun 14-Oct-12 00:42:57

Too right people on here have an agenda!

We want you safe, we want you away from anyone who would take your body & soul apart, and we'd rather like you happy & free & knowing how to steer clear of abusive men inthe future.

I personally think its an agenda I like. And I think any decent man or woman would too. I can understand why a damaged & damaging abuser might not though?

I get cross when people like him try & alienate others from their support systems, & mumsnet in my experience (& alot of others I think also), well, mumsnet is a damn good source of support advice & fellowship.

HissyByName Sun 14-Oct-12 09:15:46


JennaLemon Sun 14-Oct-12 09:27:29

FIve years + down the line here and it is possible. It took me about 18 months to actually feel any better. Yeah the immediate threat was gone but he was still torturing me from further away. Somewhere around the three year mark I accepted the full horror of the human being that he was, and FROM that point I think it ceased to distress me. He hasn't changed. He's still the same delusional bully he always was but he is nothing to me now.

My x hated those lesbian losers on the internet.

JennaLemon Sun 14-Oct-12 09:30:15

ps, too soon for dating imo!! I left it three years before I went on a date, and it was five before I went on a date that led to another date! Even thought I had read a few dating books and knew what kind of man to avoid, I found I was still inadvertently sending signals to decent men that I wasnt worthy of being treated well. And this, after counselling, psychotherapy and reading a few self-help books. Honestly, leave the dating a while. Get back on your feet.

lubeybooby Sun 14-Oct-12 09:33:40

So if you don't have children with him then cut all contact, change your number, block anywhere he needs blocking and never, ever look back. You only string out the pain with every litle bit of contact afterwards. Be kind to yourself by not dragging it out.

Yes it will feel awful for a while but hang on in there and bit by bit it will get better

You've done the right thing x

JennaLemon Sun 14-Oct-12 10:19:42

Yes, I agree with that advice 100%. I was lucky that I could delegate handovers to my parents. I would have gone insane otherwise. I did change my number. He got it anyway and I couldn't work out how, until I realised he had read it off the label on my dd's anorak.

cheesestrung Sun 14-Oct-12 18:24:39

Hi thanks for all your replies.. I guess it is going to be a bit of a rollercoaster to begin with...
I dragged it out lubeybooby for far too long, instead of ending it while the alarm bells were ringing i carried on. It got worse.
He is gone, we have no contact, I just wish I could get him out of my head. It doesnt feel real, it doesnt feel like it is over, but it is.. i couldnt date at the moment anyway JennaLemon, i dont feel good about myself at all and realise my faults too.. I wonder why i let it go on so long? He has made me very wary of men, apparently no-one could love me like he did, i didnt realise who i had .. his words..." do you know who i am?" it just made me feel threatened...
feeling :-(

JennaLemon Sun 14-Oct-12 18:37:43

Well, take comfort from the memory that you DID see the warning signs. It's not that they were there and you didn't see them. They were there and yet you ignored them and got in deeper (or didn't end things immediately). I was the same.

That scared me that my self-esteem was so low. But actually, my judgement was not poor. I always knew he wasn't a nice kind decent person. And for some reason I didn't tell him to fuck off. I tried to make it work. ???

JennaLemon Sun 14-Oct-12 18:50:12

ps........ the reason I put up with it so long was that I think I felt self-conscious about being single (again). I felt the need to show that I was normal and could have a relationship. Whereas I see now that I should have been strong enough and confident enough to NOT CARE if people were counting how long it was since I'd had a relationship. I also realised that I had prioritised appearing happy and normal over being happy and sane. That was a shocking realisation for me. That I could have cared more what other people thought, that I could have prioritised my own happiness beneath what other people thought of me.
I read something somewhere at about the same time I discovered that... "what other people think of me is none of my business" and it struck a chord with me. I try to repeat it to myself.
you are SO recently out of this 'relationship' that at the moment just look after yourself. The epiphanies will come. Counselling sessions will be got through. Books ordered off the internet!! one step at a time and in the mean time, just enjoy the things you can do in peace without him there spoiling them, sapping all the enjoyment out of the simple things you can easily enjoy as a single person.

cheesestrung Sun 14-Oct-12 22:01:56

wow "what other people think of me is none of my business" i haven't thought of it that way before... Im just taking one day at at time.. i hope i can stay strong and just get my head and thoughts straight, I know he isnt good for me, so it is very strange how i feel drawn to him.. Loneliness and the images of the future i once had with him I guess .. was it a complete waste of time? did i really need that experience?

JennaLemon Sun 14-Oct-12 22:26:01

you didn't NEED it, but you've learnt from it, you've survived it, you'll trust your judgement the next time,,,,,,,,, and your empathy for others' various different dilemmas may be increased.

JennaLemon Sun 14-Oct-12 22:27:15

althgouh, don't be worrying about others right now!!! I just meant, I used to hear people whining about this and that adn I'd think 'eh get over it, move on!'. Im much more sympathetic to people's pain now. Hopefully not too much 0_o

janelikesjam Mon 15-Oct-12 00:24:00

I had to be very, very caring to myself.

Sometimes I learned to stand up for myself in dififcult situations, with wisdom, foresight and strength if necessary.

But always, take care of myself in the way no-one else had done before.

cheesestrung Mon 15-Oct-12 09:45:50

ok, so it is now day 3 with no contact. I know it is going to take a while to sink in. The hell of the last year, getting over what he has said to me. I seem to have gone into overdrive mode, i know this can be common. Perhaps trying to escape how i feel. I dont want to feel the pain.
I know what you mean JLJ i need to take care of myself more, at the moment, i dont seem to have a lot of motivation.. I feel like i have been there and done with with my ex husband. Just feel back to square one. :-(
i dont feel like i can keep up with my own life, does that make sense? As a single parent, I feel like i am trying to juggle loads of balls and if i am not in tip top shape they one by one seem to fall down. Deep breathes, i need to get a grip... the emotional changes are difficult to deal with..

JennaLemon Mon 15-Oct-12 20:40:22

I know exactly what you mean. I don't work, and a working (but married) friend raised eyebrows recently when I said I felt I had too many balls in the air. blush But I have two kids and I often feel overwhelmed by the rubbish,cleaning, tidying, washing & hanging out and putting away clothes!, recycling, shopping , Making lunches, paying bills, keeping up with MY own health care, smears , dentist etc... argh,. and people say to me 'so!! have you got a job yet??'. I feel like I'm struggling with the job of being me! well, I'm managing but I certainly can't take on any more. So,,,, not sure that helps you but I understand. I think some people do what they need to do on auto pilot but it takes it out of me. I write everything down and live in fear of forgetting something!

HissyByName Mon 15-Oct-12 21:02:57

Well done love, another day down! I know it's hard, but this time next week it'll be easier.

Think about stuff from day to day, as the adrenaline leaves your system, you'll be able to look further ahead.

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