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How do I get DH to compromise?

(21 Posts)
taperedleg Fri 12-Oct-12 16:33:52

I would like to work PT, DH wants me to work FT. Financially we would be OK even if I was a SAHM. DS will be 10 months when I go back to work. Before DS was born I always said I would go back FT, as I felt that's what's expected of me. DH has in the past mentioned I could SAH or go PT, so we have both changed our minds. We both agree that DS is too young to go to nursery FT.

I understand the pressure of being the only one earning money, so I have offered a few solutions. DH has said no to all of them. I cannot work in the evening in case DH is tired after work and wants a break from DS. I cannot work early mornings in case DH is tired and doesn't want to get up with DS. I cannot even ask work if I could start at 7 am in case DH is tired in the mornings.

He has also said "if I can't be at home with DS why should you be able to", so I suggested we both go PT or he go PT and I work FT. He said no, PT staff get rubbish jobs at his office. So I said he could SAH, while I work FT, he said no, he doesn't want to lose the money and damage his career.

I don't know what to do. DH has said that if I go FT, we would split childcare and housework 50/50. I don't believe that will happen, he has a habit of just ignoring things and will get very huffy and resentful if I ask "too much of him". He also said he wants us to have a "normal family life" like this couple we know. In that family they both work FT, and at home the wife does all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes and looks after the kids. The man does the shopping.

Has anyone been in this situation? How did you resolve it?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 12-Oct-12 16:38:48

The only way you'll settle this is to go for a fait accompli. He's clearly not willing to discuss and has some very odd ideas about division of household tasks, so get the PT job and present it to him as a done deal.

Twitterqueen Fri 12-Oct-12 16:39:47

He sounds horribly controlling to me. Take it from one who's been there.
Everything on his terms and as you say, no compromise on his part, only on yours.

If you both agree DS is too young to go to nursery FT, how can you both work FT?

Hold out for P/T. And stick to your guns, calmly and reasonably. Start applying for jobs - if and when you have one, your DP may change his mind..

taperedleg Fri 12-Oct-12 17:23:49

Thanks for the replies! I will stick to my guns and get a PT job, I have already given up on so many things as he hasn't agreed to them.

The other day he said to me "you just don't want to work" hmm I have always been unwilling to ask him for help with DS and around the house as I know he resents it, but that made it even worse, I don't want him to think I am lazy.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 12-Oct-12 17:28:48

He sounds a right charmer hmm If he's the type that's never happy, whatever you do, then do what you want. BTW... he should be sharing the household stuff whether you're at home, working PT or FT. Accusing you of laziness strikes me as particularly patronising and lazy pot calling a very shiny kettle black....

whatthewhatthebleep Fri 12-Oct-12 17:49:12

find the job you'd like, sort the childcare for your DC, start sharing the household tasks and responsibilities, especially the quality time that DC gets from BOTH parents....and get out and do stuff you enjoy....stop putting everything on hold, not doing things because DH will likely have issue with it....bollocks...just do whats good for you sometimes...I'm sure he does and barely gives you a 2nd thought....play by same rules and stop losing with all his rule making and bullying selfishness....

You don't have to consult him or ask permission every time...you're an adult now...make your own choices and just do it....he doesn't have to like every choice you make and you don't have to worry about this tbh...you aren't doing anything wrong

When was the last time you were out with friends or took a fitness class or hobby/interest group, a walk alone, etc...even a couple of hours yourself to go to the library or something, a swim, sauna or anything with a friend????...you should have a life beyond wife and mother...you need a personal life too and things you enjoy for yourself.....I'm afraid it really is tough if DH doesn't like it though......you still need to do it.

I'm assuming he has his interests and things he does outwith work and home responsibilities to you and his DC?
You maybe need to stop enabling DH to put you in this restricted role too...maybe you have cowed to him long enough eh?

ecclesvet Fri 12-Oct-12 18:01:14

I think there's a slight chip on the shoulder of some men that they have to go out and be the breadwinner whilst the mum gets to sit around at home in her pyjamas all day. Said men tend not to have ever actually done any primary-carer child-rearing themselves, in my experience.

That said, I think it's a fair enough reason to be upset in a situation where gender roles say he has to keep working, but it's socially accepted/expected for you to go part-time or even stop employment altogether.

Japple Fri 12-Oct-12 18:21:31

...Why don't you just Work from the home? Baby-sitting,Sewing-mending,Internet Work,Phone-Room (sales) work,Tutoring,music lessons,etc.
Surely you have a Service that the town needs.When I was young,I had friends that took in ironing,cleaned homes,cooked a meal for a wealthy family,did the Shopping for "shut-ins", and cared for the elderly for a few hours a day in their homes.A few had "garage sales" for other folks that lacked the Time and organisation skills...taking a Percentage of the profits.Jill.

ChooChooLaverne Fri 12-Oct-12 18:32:13

My husband was like this after my DS was born. It's one of the reasons I'm not with him any more.

I might not have much money but I can make my own decisions about work/life/the universe without having to have a long-drawn out argument about every single thing.

I notice that your DH has an answer for everything (AKA being unreasonable) - so you can't be at home with DS because he wants to be, but when you suggest that he does just that, well of course that's not possible. What is his suggestion for childcare while you're both working full time if you don't want full time nursery?

You really must do what you feel comfortable with. If money isn't an issue and you don't want to work full time then don't. You'll never get this time back with your DS, so I would make the most of it if I were you.

He sounds like a complete arse regarding household chores too. Poor you.

taperedleg Fri 12-Oct-12 18:43:15

He said no to working from home, as it isn't a steady income. Thanks to this thread I have decided to let DH deal with DS for one night at weekends, so I get uninterrupted sleep. DS is BF so gets up a few times each night.

rollmeover Fri 12-Oct-12 18:43:42

How much does he help round the house now? Does he see the baby as your work at the moment? Is this likely to change? Do you get "time off" or a lie in at the weekend?

You know that if you go back full time you will end up doing all the housework anyway?

And as for the "what if im tired in the morning" what does he think the vast majority of working folks with kids do? They get on with it!

It sounds like there is only one lazy person in your house and it aint you......

ChooChooLaverne Fri 12-Oct-12 18:44:10

Why is it all up to him?

clam Fri 12-Oct-12 18:45:03

Ah! Normal family life - where the wife works fulltime and does all the household chores too.

He needs a slap.

"You just don't want to work." The only response to that is "And you don't want to pull your weight in the house."

Iggly Fri 12-Oct-12 18:47:27

He sounds a charmer.

Honestly, he'd rather his kid was in childcare when he could be with his mum instead? All because he's jealous that you're at home?

WTAF?

AThingInYourLife Fri 12-Oct-12 18:48:51

Hang on, you're not allowed work when he's not at work in case he's too tired to look after his son?

But he doesn't think you should get to stay home if he can't?

You'd both have to stay home if he was a SAHD in case he was disinclined to care for his child.

He really sounds like a controlling arse

I fucking hate these men who think equality means women have to do all the childcare and housework, but have to bring in a wage as well. Oh, and are full of how they are "equal" parents despite not ever looking after children alone.

One way to force him to compromise would be to divorce him. Then you could use his money to help raise his child and work as you saw fit.

AThingInYourLife Fri 12-Oct-12 18:51:23

"He said no to working from home, as it isn't a steady income."

This man is not your boss.

Why do you let him run you life?

taperedleg Fri 12-Oct-12 18:57:06

Yes, you are all right. I have to nip DH's controlling behaviour in the bud. He wasn't always like this, I wouldn't have had a child with a man like this. I don't know what happened to him, maybe it is the pressure of being a sole provider.

He does cook sometimes and he takes DS to the playground every Saturday so I get a break. He also has DS for one hour during the week, so I get to exercise.

Cabrinha Fri 12-Oct-12 18:57:17

Honestly? Full time.
Stay off a bit longer if you can, as you're not keen on FT nursery yet. See if you can manage another couple of months - they're so much more grown up even a couple of months later at this stage.
Then go all out to get something full time - once you're established there, you can always apply to reduce you're hours (you have the right to apply as a parent, but only once per year and of course they don't have to say yes)
The reason in pushing FT is that I think financial independence is a good thing for everyone. And quite frankly, your husband sounds like an arse over both the work decisions and being an equal parent. So if you decide you want to end the relationship, you're better off already being in a better financial position.
Look at some nurseries - my daughter's is wonderful, and if you see a good one, your concerns about nursery may be less. Have you already given up the job you have before pregnancy?

whatthewhatthebleep Fri 12-Oct-12 18:58:49

your DC needs to feel balanced and happy with both parents...you need to let go of having all this responsibility or in time you will leave yourself with no choice on this...DC will be a nightmare in anyone else's care. Healthy contact with other care givers is really important for you all.....no time like the present!!...let DH get on with it but I'd recommend you leave the house....as soon as you are aware of crying,, you won't get the lie in bed, you'll be up and out of that bed 'rescuing' both of them and trapping yourself in the role of 'nobody else can look after DC and it has to be you'....DH won't mind remaining passive and ineffectual...and he certainly won't try to change the status quo....he'll just throw his hands up and say...I tried but DC won't be left with me...oh well.....

AThingInYourLife Fri 12-Oct-12 19:17:42

"He wasn't always like this, I wouldn't have had a child with a man like this. I don't know what happened to him, maybe it is the pressure of being a sole provider."

A lot of men reveal themselves as controlling once children have arrived.

Another MNer described her ex as thinking he owned her because she'd has his child.

In what sense is he the sole wage earner?

Presumably you're still on maternity leave and have been planning to return to work.

So there's not really any "sole earner" pressure.

More likely you're just discovering that he's actually a wanker.

werewolvesdidit Fri 12-Oct-12 19:35:11

Actually, hold on to your job so you can afford to divorce the wanker. Seriously, he is a selfish bastard. We couldn't afford for me to be a SAHM but I am one anyway because DH always says that all he wants is for me and our boys to be happy.

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