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Please help me stop the incessant bickering

10 replies

fiorentina · 12/10/2012 15:34

I know this seems trivial in comparison with many issues on here, but I'd definitely appreciate some advice. My DH and I have been together nearly 5 years and have young son.

We've always bickered and argued, we are both very head strong, but it has got to the stage where it's got to stop or it will wreck what is left of our relationship. We both agree we love each other, want it to work and stay together but that it needs to improve.

I know it's hard with young children and we're both tired, but we just snipe at each other, are curt, and end up arguing over things that aren't important, perhaps as I try really hard but I just harbour bitterness about some bigger issues.

As background, I've felt quite frustrated towards him the last few years as after he took redundancy from a job in the City he chose not to get another job, but try to work for himself after no discussion with me. It wasn't really successful and we ended up spending a lot of savings and I found it frustrating that he wouldn't accept when it wasn't working and look for another job, wouldn't ever talk about it, even when I was pregnant and on maternity leave, so I've felt the main breadwinner and under pressure to provide. I work 4 days a week out the house 7am-8pm in a very stressful job. DH recently finally got a job where he works 4 days a week and as my involves a commute takes responsibility of drop offs and pick ups from childcare most days.

I guess I would just appreciate any advice on how I can just ignore the past and move on and we can improve things for ourselves. Any books or anything you can suggest. I hate this constant negative atmosphere and don't want it to affect our son. Thanks

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2012 15:51

I'd recommend trying a fairly regular 'meeting' (sounds a bit twatty but bear with me) where you each get to start a sentence with the following....

"What I appreciate about you and would like to see more of is...."
and
"What hasn't made me happy and I would like to see less of is...."

The first one is important because, in the general crapola of daily life, couples often forget to express appreciation. The second one gives you chance to air problems calmly and constructively. If you set this up if feels artificial at first but it can become a communcation good habit.

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fiorentina · 12/10/2012 17:06

Seems a good idea to focus on some positives! Thanks

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amillionyears · 12/10/2012 18:05

Good advice from Cogito.

I must say I was pretty aghast at him deciding to work for himself with no input from you. That is a major family decision that he made all by himself.

You say about ignoring the past. It sounds like you are trying to sweep things under the carpet. If it was minor,I might say ok,but that was major. And I suspect he may have done other things without consulting you as well.

Have you tried discussing it all since at all?

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fiorentina · 12/10/2012 18:20

It is fairly major. I've tried discussing it a lot. The comment I always get is 'I dont know what to say''. There is nothing else as major he's done with no consultation but you are right I probably am trying to sweep it under the carpet as it has been so irresolvable and I get upset ever trying to get him to understand how that decision made me feel.

In order to move forward I guess I do just have to ignore the past?

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amillionyears · 12/10/2012 18:34

Do you think he feels guilty at all for not discussing it with you?
And guilty that it didnt subsequently work out either?

Since you are both bickering and being curt with each other,is he holding stuff against you as well?

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fiorentina · 12/10/2012 18:39

Don't think he feels guilty as his decision to try that was in his mind for all our benefit.

He'd say I think that he is fed up with me bringing it up as an issue and I should move on. It probably is me that causes the bickering, he says I'm curt and grumpy. In reality I'm knackered from work and family life and that never helps.

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amillionyears · 12/10/2012 19:00

When did you personally last have a break?

Do you think he is likely to do the same sort of thing another time?
How long has DH had his new job.

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fiorentina · 12/10/2012 19:14

He's had new job about 5 months now but I guess I do feel insecure about him just making decisions for himself job wise or on other things.

I get time to myself to go to the gym for an hour or so at weekends and do meet friends after work occasionally. That's not usually a problem. He doesn't go out much at all, other than a few weekends away to see friends.

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amillionyears · 12/10/2012 19:35

Do you have any weekends away without the children.Could your DH look after them for your to have a bit of a break.

I cant quite guage whether he sees a problem with what he did or not. I'm guessing not? If you put it round the other way and say "well if I say bought a car without discussing it with you,you would be a bit miffed".

You could try reading a book called "Why women talk and men walk". At the very least, it should help you understand some ways in which your DH is acting, and why.

You could brush all this under the carpet,but I would be concerned that he would do the same sort of thing again.If he is not over controlling you in other ways,maybe it will turn out to be a one off?

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fiorentina · 12/10/2012 19:44

He doesn't see a problem in what he did at all. Hopefully it's a one off and eventually we will be happy again.

Thanks for your time and help. Will check the book out.