My mother's so bloody selfish

[CuriousMama]

Don't get me wrong I do love her and she is a good person but her selfishness is unreal sometimes. I know we can all be a bit selfish but she does take the biscuit.

There's stuff from my childhood that made me realise she was selfish. The main being I had a very angry father, he used to hit her. I think he possibly hit me occasionally but it's a bit of a blur tbh? I know he hit my siblings and did so a lot when they were younger. But they were older and left home when I was young. Anyway, dad would come in drunk, and mum would run out and leave me alone with him. I just can't ever forgive that.

She's old now and has a younger dp. They've been together years and have decent social life. I don't blame her at all and think it's great. But she will never stray from her Saturday nights at the club. If anything is ever organised on a Saturday she won't go. Even if I get married she won't come if it spoils her Saturday night out. Tbh I wouldn't really care as I'm not getting married for anyone else, just me and dp and my dss. She wouldn't come to the night do though and I'd be lucky if she came to the day if it would possibly interfere with her Saturday night at the club.

Well I rang her today and she started ranting on about her friend who's changed her birthday party to a Saturday night to suit the grandchildren. Something that would never ever be considered by my mum. Anyway mum won't go even though she's known this friend since she was tiny, and the friend is celebrating her 80th birthday. I asked my mum if the friend was upset, she said 'yes but she's got her family' I said 'Mum I'm just curious but why do you never stray from your Saturday night out, I'm just asking?' She got all huffy and said she likes to go and that's that. I asked again she said she likes to see her friends there. I said but J's your friend? I had to come off the phone in the end as I felt so upset for J

I know she's old and should do as she pleases but she's always been selfish. She's never offered to babysit. If she ever has it's because we've been absolutely desperate and she's said 'I suppose I could'. That's fair enough but my dcs were the easiest dcs to babysit. My sister would do it and was so shocked how they'd take themselves off to bed and didn't squabble. They're older now and do squabble a bit and I do have to tell them off at times, they're no angels, but have never been any bother with other people. Mum does love them but she has never made much effort with any of her grandchildren or great grandchildren. I don't think being a grandparent makes you a cert for babysitting mind you and should be their choice. It's just her attitude about it.

Dp says I'm the opposite and do anything for anyone but I'm not a mug. I just like to help people and care. I can be an arse at times but would hate to ever be called selfish. I've never called mum this to her face and wouldn't. I do clash with her but that'll never change.

I just can't get over how sad her friend will feel

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Don't feel sad. Maybe her friend, knowing her Saturday night at the club habit as well as you do, deliberately organised the party knowing your DM wouldn't be able to make it. Prioritising the GCs makes the friend a good egg in my book....

[CuriousMama]

No she didn't know my mum's like this she's upset, mum told me. The friend doesn't have good health either. She isn't a club person so didn't realise how set in stone this is?
Yes she is a good egg you're right and very family orientated.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Then your mum just lost another friend and won't be invited to anything else but the other woman has gained a lovely party with her GCs. I think your DM is the loser.

[longjane]

maybe your mum is on the Autism spectrum

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think she's worried that if her 'younger DP' goes to the Saturday night thing without her, she'll lose out to a younger model.... :)

[CuriousMama]

You're spot on CogitoES she's paranoid. He works and am sure there's women at his work so she should be more worried about that. I won't mention the percentage rate of affairs started at work to her though

I have an autistic son and he isn't selfish? Neither is my friend's ds and he's autistic too?

[Anniegetyourgun]

I think what longjane may mean is not that autism makes you or is a good excuse to be selfish, but that routines are very, very important and to her not going to the club on a Saturday is unthinkable, like suggesting she might like to take a rest from breathing. Or OCD, perhaps. This wouldn't make it selfishness as such, but a total inflexibility which she can't help. I must say that did pop into my head when I read the OP, but don't have useful knowledge/experience to contribute.

However, if it's what Cogito says, well that's not a particularly rational way to be thinking either!

[CuriousMama]

Yes I know autistic people may like routine but she shows it in other ways too. If it was this isolated thing then I'd probably think that. I know it's to do with her dp and also not missing out on the chit chat. She gets all arsey if ever she feels confronted, you can't ever have your own opinion.

When my lovely aunt was alive mum would get so worked up if aunt refused to go places with her, to the cinema, theatre etc.. Poor aunt would make up an excuse to try to get out of it,turns out it was the start of her Parkinsons. I used to say to mum, before we knew, that some people find it hard to say no and have to make up an excuse. Whereas I would just say no I don't fancy it thanks. Even then mum isn't too pleased. Although I think she's beginning to realise that I can't do what she wants especially now I live further away?

Maybe she is on the spectrum though? Even then isn't it best to sometimes challenge behaviour? Or at least make her aware of it? I rarely do though tbh as for one she's old and for another it makes no difference in the end. But this time I felt so bad for J.

[colditz]

Well, it's a funny thing you should mention your autistic son ..... It does run in families, it's a lot harder to spot in females as autistic girls learn early on to mimic social behaviour.

I have my thoughts about my mother. Only with her, it's puzzle time. She cannot possibly do anything or talk to anyone between three and four pm, because that is when she does her puzzles. Has no attachment to her grandchildren, I'm sure she just sees them as children who happen to live with her daughter. Any suggestion that she might babysit is met with shrieks of dismay, and, tellingly, if I ring her and ask her for a lift, she will frequently snap " I've just been there, why didn't you ring me an hour ago?!" .....as if I can see into her house by magic, and therefore would know where she was......

[RobynRidingHood]

Some people, especially older ones, like routine and don't it upset or deviated from. I don't, but then, I'm just plain anal about things. I'm not quite at the precise minute, but I can see myself like that in 20 years!

[CuriousMama]

Yes tbh there are a lot of males in my family on the spectrum.

How do you cope with your mother colditz? Or are you resigned now?

[CuriousMama]

RobynR she wasn't old when she left me with dad though, or when she first started having GCs.

[colditz]

Resigned. Ish.

I get privately annoyed with her, but rather than explode in frustration, like I did in my twenties, I wait her tantrum out then say things like "do you actually understand that I left home a long time ago, I don't live with you and therefore when you announced to the household that you were going to tesco, I wasn't there? So there is no way I could have known that you have just been to tesco, and as we've previously agreed that it is reasonable for me to occasionally ask for a lift, we agree that I have asked you a reasonable question and don't deserve to be shouted at?"

Basically, I treat her like a teenager.

[CuriousMama]

I'm glad you cope ok with it. It's funny how roles reverse.