Worried about DH, and lost my temper :(

[beela]

I don't know what to do any more. I wonder if DH is suffering from depression - can't sleep but falls asleep on the sofa at 9pm, worries about anything and everything, lacking in energy & libido. This is on and off, and by nature he is a worrier, but it seems to be more on than off at the moment. He's had 2 spells of (diagnosed) depression before and had CBT last time which seemed to help.

I want to help him as I love him very much and hate seeing him miserable. I have tried to suggest that he does some more regular exercise (we joined a gym which he said he wanted to do, but he went once and said he didn't like it), tried to find time for him to have time to himself (e.g. gave him a voucher for a massage, which he hasn't booked), listened to him worrying, suggested counselling (says he doesn't need it at the moment), encouraged him to go for a drink with his mates (he hasn't), etc etc.

I have won some tickets to a concert next week and sorted childcare so that we could go, but last night he said he didn't want to go because he would be too tired. I lost my tember and told him that he needed to take some responsibility for his own happiness because he is not just affecting himself, and that I can't cope with it any more. I also said that if he can tell me what he needs to change to feel better then I would support him and help to make it happen but that I can't deal with trying to be the one to sort it out all the time.

I now feel really guilty but I also feel that the being-nice-and-encouraging-him approach hasn't worked so am hoping that the kick-up-the-arse approach will make a difference.

Having written all that down I don't think I actually have a question, just needed to get it off my chest. However, if anyone does have any experience or helpful suggestions then please do share...

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If it's depression he needs to see a GP because he may need some medication or similar. If he's just in a bit of a slump my first thought - because I'm weird like that - is what is his diet like? Low level malnutrition is suprisingly common and, as well as lack of exercise, it can act as a massive depressant.

[beela]

I might see if I can get him to the GP, although from past experience he won't want to take medication (hence my encouragement of exercise and/or counselling).

His diet is not too bad, we cook from scratch most evenings and maybe have a ready meal once or twice a week, takeaway once a month-ish. There's always room for a bit more fruit & veg I suppose, perhaps I'll google some mood boosting smoothies. And then try and persuade him to drink them, haha.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

I think you are totally right to think/say that his happiness is his own responsibility, and that his lack of action in that regard is affecting others around him.

I hope for both your sakes that he is able to take that on board.

Unfortunately, you can't be the one to get him out of this: he has to do it himself (you can be supportive of his efforts, but that is a very differently thing to trying to get him better single-handedly).

[emess]

What hotDAMN said. Sounds like you are doing all you actually can and yes, it is up to him to find a way to deal with it. It is not your responsibility. From bitter experience I have 2 recommendations: 1) to encourage you to make sure you keep your own life in order and do things that make you happy too, regardless of whether he complains about it or not; and 2) make sure you tell other people what's going on (even if he doesn't want you to). Do not let your DH drag you down too. (Too late for me!). Chin up.

[beela]

Thank you for your responses.

When he's on form it's great, but he's quite inconsistent at the moment. He did look a bit shocked when I said that it was affecting me. I also said that if he won't take action for his sake then he needs to take it for mine. Hopefully he will pay attention to that.

I told him that I need him to think about what we can do to improve things and that we are going to talk about it this evening.

I don't want to be unkind, or cause him to retreat deeper into his cave, but feel that if I don't push things then we will sit around for ever just waiting for him to perk up, and all of a sudden we'll be 75.

[NotMostPeople]

How about suggesting he take StJohns Wort - it's prescribed for mild to moderate depression in other European countries?