Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How to show my husband I do still love him...without sex

(65 Posts)
MrsHelsBels74 Fri 12-Oct-12 09:59:21

Had a crash c-section 3 weeks ago, still in a bit of pain as well as the usual sleep deprivation that goes with a new born. Husband keeps trying to initiate sex & to be honest it's the last thing I feel like doing.
I don't want him to feel rejected but I'm tired, sore, very hormonal & just can't contemplate sex, what can I do? My mum is also staying with us at the moment so even talking privately is difficult.

balotelli Fri 12-Oct-12 10:05:36

What a selfish, inconsiderate git!

Make him sleep on the sofa for at least three months.

You have had major surgery so why the hell would anyone think that its reasonable to have sex so soon?

Remove his testicles with garden shears then two days later ask him if he'd like a quick shag?

Dahlen Fri 12-Oct-12 10:06:14

What balotelli said.

tak1ngchances Fri 12-Oct-12 10:08:23

Eh 3 weeks? Is he out of his tiny little selfish mind????

feelokaboutit Fri 12-Oct-12 10:10:57

Your husband sounds very insensitive. It shouldn't be you wondering how to make him feel loved but him doing his utmost to look after you and show you affection (without sex) after you so painfully gave birth to the child that is both of yours.
I hope other people are looking after you (maybe your dh is looking after you just demanding sex as well?) and you feel better soon smile.

MonkeyRisotto Fri 12-Oct-12 10:24:10

Holy shit! 3 weeks!? Like tak1ng has said, he really doesn't have a clue!

I would suggest that you set him straight on the fact that there's not going to be any sex for a while yet. If your mum being there is a problem, why not ask her to look after the baby for a short while so the two of you can go out for some fresh air, and have a serious chat to set his expectations.

maras2 Fri 12-Oct-12 10:37:57

Introduce him to his right hand.What a pig.

solidgoldbrass Fri 12-Oct-12 10:42:35

OK he may just be massively ignorant about the workings of the human body, particularly when it comes to what childbirth (even vaginal birth with no complications) does to a woman. But all medical professionals advise no sex for at least six weeks after giving birth and that's the first thing he needs to know.

However, for him to be nagging and pestering for sex this much, this soon, suggests that he is probably selfish in other ways. Remember he's not your boss or your owner, and a good marriage is about both of you caring for each other, not just you trying to keep him happy.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 12-Oct-12 10:43:55

He sounds like an utter arse. Send mum to the shops, sit him down and tell him to grow up.

PrideOfChanur Fri 12-Oct-12 10:45:05

Good grief - 3 weeks after a crash caesarean? 3 weeks?? You do need to talk but I can't imagine how a grown man would be unable to work out for himself that 3 weeks after abdominal surgery,with a new baby,might not be the right time for a bit of sex.
Whether trying not to let him feel rejected is a good aim depends in my mind on whether he is genuinely loving with no idea on how to express that at the moment,or whether his attitude is more "well,now you've had the baby,that's over - where's my sex"?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 12-Oct-12 10:47:37

What a horrid man. He should be apologising and showing you he still loves you.

Inconsiderate wanker.angry

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 12-Oct-12 10:50:34

What do you say when he tries to initiate?

alienreflux Fri 12-Oct-12 10:51:22

GGGrrrrrr,this really rips my knitting, we had new neighbours move in (she was bout 3 wks off giving birth) got to know them pretty well, he was pestering her for sex 3 days after birth???!!
she was like you, 'i know you're feeling neglected darling, it won't be long now'
bollocks to that, tell him straight, 'it's going to be about 6 more weeks, don't ask me before that.
Good luck, and do not feel guilty.

JacqueslePeacock Fri 12-Oct-12 10:55:28

What everyone else said. Also, why does it have to be you showing him you still love him? How is he showing you he loves you? You're the one who's gone through major emergency surgery AND is trying to cope with a newborn.

duffedup Fri 12-Oct-12 10:56:49

solid you can have sex as soon as you feel ready to have sex after you have a baby, they like you to have sex before your six week check to make sure everything is tickitee boo down there if you have had a vaginal birth. the six weeks thing or when you stop bleeding is old advice. that being said, its when you feel ready, if you are not ready, then end of and your hubby needs to except that.
he may just want to get things back to the way they were before baby and re-initiate the old connection you had (pregnancy can be a bugger on couples that way), but he is definitely going about it in the wrong way. have you spoken to him about it? he might be feeling a bit left out and finding the new way of life difficult to adjust to and looking for some familiar comfort. a new baby is a difficult thing for a man to adjust to as well and i feel for them when i hear all this they need to suck it up, its all about the woman but we still expect them to be loving and devoted partners. if i am wrong and he is just being a total selfish sex pest then fair do's but if he is just wanting a bit of normality, a chat about things might go a long way to helping him see thing wont always be like this. hugs and definitely dont do anything you are not up for yet. congrats on the new baby.

MrsHelsBels74 Fri 12-Oct-12 10:57:56

He's honestly not being an arse & is very good in other ways, doing night feeds etc and is fairly good natured when I turn him down. He's just a bit clueless!

straighttohellymelly Fri 12-Oct-12 10:59:47

Your DH wants sex THREE WEEKS after a crash section? Is He INSANE? Took me at least 6m after mine before anything happened as it was all either sore or freakishly numb, I was bf round the clock, fat , tired and in pain. At no point did DH make me feel bad about it or put any pressure on me.

LittleBearPad Fri 12-Oct-12 11:00:37

Well tell him he's being clueless. You've had major surgery.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 12-Oct-12 11:01:56

Ok if he is good natured about it then are you the one feeling like you are rejecting rather than him feeling it? A quick "look, I don't think I'll be ready for at least another month" might be enough?

JacqueslePeacock Fri 12-Oct-12 11:02:33

Well, he needn't be clueless any longer! Show him this thread.

ksrwr Fri 12-Oct-12 11:02:52

i wonder if you could ask him to chat to his good mates that have had kids, so he can understand that 3 weeks after c-section (or natural birth) is just too soon... he'll cope ;-)
Keep talking to him and try and explain how you feel and how your body feels.

handbagCrab Fri 12-Oct-12 11:04:35

My god I would have walked out if dh had been pestering for sex 3 weeks after my c section. I can't think of anything that would be worse for a healing c section than sex.

Instead of worrying whether he feels loved, what about you? What about your lovely newborn? Your energy should be channeled into looking after baby and healing yourself not running around trying to think up sex acts that don't involve intercourse. What is he doing to make you feel loved? Or is mum there to pick up the slack so he doesn't actually have to make any changes to his life now his family has grown and his wife is recovering from surgery?

KnightRob Fri 12-Oct-12 11:04:39

Ask your Mum to tell him she understands how difficult it must be for him - and to offer to help him out.

That should put him off the idea.

duffedup Fri 12-Oct-12 11:05:40

or you could just say when i am ready you will be the first one that knows.

handbagCrab Fri 12-Oct-12 11:07:06

X post, well you could say another woman on the Internet said it took 6 months for all the pain to go from her c section and for the numbness to recede so perhaps he should stop asking until you show you are ready for sex again!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now