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Love Vs Easy Company

(11 Posts)
MelodyNova Thu 11-Oct-12 16:47:19

How do you tell the difference between someone that loves you and someone that simply wants an activity partner? someone to go out with, drink with, holiday with and watch tv with?

I've had a string of poo relationships which were more about companionship than actual love. I swore I would never make that mistake again - I want GENUINE love.

So how can you tell?

I've been seeing someone for 6 months - everything is good, we go out a lot and now he's on about going on holiday with me next year and alarm bells are ringing - why? because he hasn't felt the need to introduce me to his family/kids yet he thinks I'm good enough to jet around the world with?

So 6 months in - too early to discuss our future?

I want marriage, I want true commitment - I don't just want to fall into the same old trap of "lets live together cos it's easy" - no I want the whole lot.

6 months in - too early to make this clear?

And how DO you tell the difference between love and easy company?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Oct-12 17:16:12

All relationships are a risk. We can't really know how people are genuinely feeling but we can judge their actions and try to work out whether they're at least being consistent. I tend to think 'I love you' is the most misleading phrase on the planet and don't set a lot of store by it. If someone was talking marriage and true commitment to me after six months I'd think they were either pulling my chain or they were after my money smile I'd prefer to get to know them a lot better before throwing my hand in with theirs. If you like things to be more decisive and move faster, that's entirely your perogative.

PanonOlympus Thu 11-Oct-12 17:36:33

I think jetting off around the world is much less important than meeting families - it's a stepping stone of sorts. And 6 months is really nothing to be actually 'knowing' someone. You seem to be saying 'I want all of the big thinks ( that take time) and Iwant them now!'.

as for love v easy company - I don't think there is a litmus test. She have to use your spidey sense and ensure you are wishing the same thing.

PanonOlympus Thu 11-Oct-12 17:37:03

big things obv....

PanonOlympus Thu 11-Oct-12 17:38:07

and You have to use your spidey sense....

I give up.

rightchoice2 Thu 11-Oct-12 18:37:00

I think six months is far far too soon to be considering marriage. Firstly, how old are you both? If you don't know him well enough to know what he wants out of life, it is far too soon to be imagine he wants marriage. Marriage will work if both people have the same agenda, but if you want one thing and he wants another you are on difficult ground.

If you live like you are married (some of the time) there is probably little incentive for him to worry about contemplating it anyway. Why not keep some of your freedom. Enjoy life with him, and with your friends. Go on holiday with friends. Being totally available for all his needs (on the assumption you are willing to be) without any major discussions about how you both feel will probably not get you to where you want to be. You need to negotiate your side of the bargain and not be too available without knowing what he wants and feels about the future.

likeatonneofbricks Thu 11-Oct-12 19:09:02

I don't think it's too early to mention the future, assuming you've mett a few times a week on average during the 6 months. You can just ask his views on marriage generally, why should ou be coy if you WANT to ask him! I agree it's too early to actually plan the marriage, I'd say you need at least a year to know each other, but you spent 6 months of your life and rightly want to know whether to spend any more time - if he says he will never marry anyone, then you won't spend more time on this.

On a positive note, maybe ge's planning the holiday exavctly to test whether you will get on on 24/7 basis, so then he can be more sure of his decision for the long term. After the holiday if you don't end up at each other's throats he may well want to introduce you to his family. But as I say, the whole thing can be talked about, not shrouded in mystery, you are grown-ups!

Generally though if a man is in love it's noticeable, he is focused on you a lot and realy listens to what you say, tries to please you too.

SeveredEdMcDunnough Thu 11-Oct-12 19:18:24

I think you have to talk about it. A man who only wants you for company, to talk to and so on will say to you, no, I think I just want to be friends. And you have to believe him, however intimate it all feels and however well you get on.

If he wants more than that he will probably make it clear.

I had a long year with someone who, though we did sleep together a few times, only seemed to want us to be best friends - we did everything together, but he didn't want it to go further and he said this, though I found the messages confusing.

We fell out a bit for a while, but now we are close again - and once more I wonder what it all means, confiding, wanting to be together all the time (he initiates, not me) but then it doesn't progress to anything more.

You would know I think if this man wanted commitment or a stronger attachment.

SeveredEdMcDunnough Thu 11-Oct-12 19:20:11

Oh and this one has introduced me to his family - his parents - on purpose, and they are lovely to me, but he still doesn't introduce me to his friends, even when he has a party!

I end up washing glasses and talking to people in the kitchen, it's like I am part of the furniture - which tbh is Ok, but it makes me wonder. [baffled]

digerd Thu 11-Oct-12 19:25:25

Again, 6 months is far too soon and I waited until I was 31 before meeting my love of my life. And I could tell he felt the same as me, but I, have always gone for the sweet, kind , rather shy type, not the cocky, pushy domineering macho type. I waited 9 years before marrying him too. The expression in his eyes, his manner towards you, should tell you if it's for real. But you seem not to have recognised these yet in your other boyfriends.

Apocalypto Thu 11-Oct-12 20:03:13

I think this is without question the hardest question to address in any early stage relationship.

When I was a kid, I was warned by my substantially older sister that on no account do you "get serious", because it "scares them off". There must come a crossover point when not getting serious scares them off too, but FOK when that is. Do you have to be over 25, 35, when? Or do they have to be?

If it were me? I'd start to distance myself and see if he notices / cares. I once "dated" someone so casual that if I was lucky I got a call/meet every 2 weeks. Eventually I just told my friends it was over, got on with life and waited to see how long it took for this to register. It was about a month as I recall, by which time I was with someone else....I enjoyed that phone call. Prat.

Anyway...I don't know. Six months is IMHO long enough to say, "Look, where do you see this leading? I don't want to mess you around or waste anyone's time."

There are two risks, one is that he says "nowhere, bye bye" and the other is that he thinks that but doesn't say it. It's harder to say and what's more the sex he's having with you stops right away.

I'd also suggest something like cooking Sunday lunch for both sets of parents and see what the reaction is. If it's evasive, it's because his parents will be mystified as to why they're being introduced to the parents of someone who, as far as they know, doesn't exist.

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