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The kids winge and cry(681 Posts)
I have two very demanding young children. A toddler (2 years) and a baby (9 months). They winge all day long (I really mean: all. day. long). Aside from look after the kids on my own all day (7am till 6pm) I have to keep the house clean, make their food, make sure all the dishes are washed, make sure all the clothes are clean, take them to baby & toddler groups, AND run an online business. I'm at the end of my tether because of the constant winging all day long. My friend has suggested using an ipod and turning the volume up full so I can't hear their winging. Is this reasonable? I don't know how I would get all my chores done otherwise, but I feel terrible. I read that if you leave young children to winge/cry, you can lower their self esteem and make them more anxious (due to elevated levels of cortisol). I really hate leaving them to cry but I don't know what else I can do? I don't want to put them into daycare/nursery until they are 3.
Sorry, I know it's not good form to bring up other threads, but this is the second one I've noticed today by this OP where she sounds very odd and, well, not quite right.
I don't know what to make of it tbh.
You need to accept that you can't do everything. Using some childcare and accepting help won't do them any harm, a mother who is struggling to cope might.
Please take on board peoples comments on this thread, talk to your DH and find a way forward which means you and the children are happier.
"Does your 2 year old play alone?"
- yes she does. some of the time. But the 9 month old never stops winging and it irritates and upsets the 2 year old so she starts too.
You cannot look after two children with no help, run and online business and keep high standards of housework unless you have two angelic babies who sleep loads.
You need to accept you need help, or you need to get a cleaner, or you need to outsource laundry, or employ someone to run business, or a nursery.
Structuring play as in painting with them for a hour, play doh for an hour then snack then out for a walk to feed the ducks etc rather than just letting them wander round moaning.
Yes the baby will probably sit there eating paint but s/he'll be enjoying themselves, even if it's watching their elder sibling have fun.
I am just speaking from experience that the more 'proper ' time I spend with them-the better their temperament when I want a bit of time to catch up on stuff later in the day.
BurntToastSmell I'm beginning to get worried about you. You're not seeing the wood for the trees because you're too tired, physically and emotionally. Get off MN and get onto researching some sort of help in your home before you end up having a breakdown. Nobody's enjoying your current model of work/home/life balance, not you, not the children, and quite possibly not your DH.
They don't need constant attention but they do need a lot.
You cannot work all day and look after your kids.
It will be far, far more beneficial for them to go to nusery/playschool/childminder than be with a stressed out, distracted mother.
Then when you are with them you will be less frazzled and more focussed.
Nursery etc is very good for kids anyway, imo - good for social skills, learning to share, stimulation, not being too clingy with parents.
It's just patently obvious to anyone from the outside. Your set us is not working.
Why not start with a cleaner? See where that takes you?
regarding being ignored - I obviously don't ignore them constantly. I'm always talking to them, but when they start winging - i think I ought to ignore that. isn't that what you're supposed to do? ignore undesirable behaviour??
burnt whilst I appreciate you have your own views on your children remaining out of childcare the balance here is off. Children whinge, they whinge more when unwell bored or tired. If your children are up until that late then they are overtired which means when they do sleep the quality is not good enough. My DS is 3 he has never been to bed later than 7 regularly and currently is in bed by 6 ish - he literally takes himself to bed. So id say your children need more sleep.
If they went to be earlier that would hive you a break. As would a cleaner.
Id also look into a childminder or other childcare - that you are comfortable with. As to give you a check you have asked if ignoring them is ok... Thats surely a bit of a sign at how things are?
Yes, children that young need constant attention - of course they do. They are babies. They don't understand why they are being ignored, they just want your attention and they deserve it too. I know it's a cliche but the baby years really do pass so quickly, you need to make the lost of it whilst you still can. I know you think nursery is damaging - but I think what you are doing to your children is even more damaging. You are teaching them that they are so far down your list of priorities that you wear ear plugs to be able to ignore them more efficiently!
Let some of the house work slide. You won't look back in years to come and wish you'd done more cleaning.
I think you need some sort of help to do your job. No one would be expected to go out of the house to work and have to take their babies with them, it's no different to working at home - you can't do both, either get some help or drastically scale back the hours you are trying to do.
Do you get any time to yourself? Could your DH take care of them on a weekend day whilst you get some child free time?
My kids could amuse themselves for up to about 10 minutes max at 9 months if I remember correctly, sometimes it could be a lot less than that. They could do longer than that if I sat on the floor next to them while they played. However, they learn so much from you talking to them and doing stuff with them. At two years I want to say that they could spend anything between 5 and 30 minutes at a time without needing me in some way, but sometimes it was as little as 30 seconds.
Really, with a baby and a toddler just over a year apart getting anything done other than clean, nappies changed, dressed and fed is an achievement.
Ok, I suspect you're feeling a bit low at the moment. You're doing far too much, please give yourself a break and throw money at this problem, if you can afford to.
Talk to your DH, get help from somewhere. You're doing too much and it's making you miserable. Motherhood is hard, I have 2DC's plus DSS and I find it so so tough. Admitting that and asking my DH for help saved me.
FWIW, kids that age do need 'constant' attention unfortunately. It's exhausting and relentless.
Do you have a sling? Put the younger one in that whilst you do the chores - and even then do the bare minimum.
Think you need to also stop expecting to be able to do everything. Playschool saved my sanity, and DS wakes up most mornings asking if he can go because he loves it so much.
How much support do you get from your OH?
is this thread for real? seriously youd rather ignore your children and obviously not meet thier needs because you are spread too thin than put them in childcare?
Ignoring them at home is more damaging and you are worried about thier self esteem by leaving them to cry yet you think nursery could damage them?
I am flabbergasted. FGS your 9m old is a BABY-he's winging because he needs you to meet his needs. Your 2 yr old is tired and needs your attention too. No amount of baby groups is going to make up for time with a loving caring individual be that thier mother or a nanny/nursery worker.
Your priorities and concerns are skewed. Get a grip. Your children are young they need love and attention. Not ignoring.
I'm sorry you're feeling shitty OP-I have had days like that-It DOES get better fwiw
unless you're a glutton for punishment and are pregnant again <whistles>
But what is ignoring doing? Is it getting the response from them that you want? it would appear that ignoring them simply isn't making the situation better.
Perhaps try to figure WHY they whinge is better? You said the baby only had one nap a day and goes to bed late - that doesn't sound like a lot of sleep for such a little baby
Winging isn't undesirable behvaiour at this age though, its their way of communicating with you.
"does his fair share of the housework"
would would you say is 'his fair share'? I texted him today asking is he could take on one more chore as I'm finding it hard to cope (he currently makes the kids dinner in the evening and gets the shopping in). He texted back saying no. that he already works.
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I echo the other posters in considering a cleaner or some childcare.
An earlier bedtime would probably help as well. The fact you take them out to toddler groups is great. Do they whine on these days?
I found when my 2 year old whined it tended to be because she was tired, hungry or teething rather than just bored. Might be something to consider. Your little one may be teething as well. Can you isolate when it happens? Is it a particular time of day? My 2 year old would whine at about 3.30 ish so I would pop the telly and give her a snack.
A bouncer or a jumperoo would be great for the 9 month old.
Like another OP said, you can get your 2 year old to help you. If you are doing the laundry, give them the basket to play with or some clothes to hang. I found it was the only way to get things done.
Also ignoring the whining is pointless. It needs to be addressed. Occupy the child with drawing, lego. toys then slowly back away!
Sounds like you're having a rough time! Being a SAHM is very stressful - it's the hardest job I've ever had to do as there are no hard and fast rules and you don't get paid!!!!
It does sound like you are trying to do too much - you are only one person and you sound like you are being pulled in many different directions every day which is inevitably stressful. If you are stressed the kids will pick up on this as well .... I know this from experience and the more stressed you become, the more they will whine! I know you say that your DH would not like them to have an earlier bedtime, but I'm afraid I agree with what has been said in trying to get them to bed earlier. Personally I wouldn't let my children nap that late in the afternoon as they were then not tired for bedtime. Someone once told me a well rested child rests well and I've found it to be quite true. Children are so active and taking in so much information daily they need sleep. What time to they get up in the morning? I really would chat with your DH and try to get them to bed earlier - they need a routine that will take them through as when they do start daycare/school/nursery, a bedtime of 9pm really is too late and you will find them to be over tired. I appreciate it means your DH won't see them as much but I truly believe children need their sleep and are far less whingy if they've had a good nights sleep.
I would defo think about getting some help too - perhaps a cleaner for a couple of hours twice a week will take away a lot of the cleaning pressure from you - you can't be expected to do everything!
I do sympathise, I have been a SAHM for nearly 7 years now and feel like its Groundhog Day every day .... Sometimes!! Mostly I love it but it is like I said, the hardest job I've ever done!
Good luck! Get some help and perhaps try to get them to bed earlier? I think you will find it will help
I work from home and look after DS who is 21 months, I've done this since he was 6 months. I do find it very stressful at times although it's got easier since I decided to cut myself some slack. You need to minimise the amount of house work and cooking you do so you can concentrate on the important things.
Get a cleaner if you can or just live with the fact that your house will be messy
mine is a tip
Try to cook in bulk so you can just take things out of the freezer and heat them up, then you don't have to worry about spending ages cooking each day or thinking about what to make.
I work 25 hours a week which I can split however I like, at the moment DS naps for about 3 hours a day so I work then. When he wakes up we do the usual SAHM things like park, groups, painting etc and then when DP gets home from work he takes over with DS and I get another couple of hours of work in. I also work at the weekend if I need to make up hours. This way DS always has either DP or I to with him, although I do do the odd bit of housework as well as he doesn't need my full attention all the time.
I wouldn't just ignore them though as in the end it'll just upset all of you
I'm speaking from experience there
You should really get a cleaner then. Tell him if he can't help more that's what will have to happen.
Some of the things you are saying sound a bit because you are stressed!
You will make yourself ill if you don't look after yourself.
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