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I'm new, and this is long so please bear with me...

(17 Posts)
alka2 Thu 11-Oct-12 12:08:17

Hi everyone
I don't really know where to begin so apologies now if I sound like I'm waffling but I have reached my breaking point (finally).
In 2007 at the age of 27 I lost my lovely Dad to a fatal heart attack and my world changed forever. He was just 54. I was married (still am) and threw myself into helping my Mum who had never worked, and my little brother who was 11 at the time. There was no life insurance to cover what was quite a large mortgage and my Dad had always dealt with the bills and paperwork etc. I absorbed myself in funeral arranging, helping Mum with the bills and teaching her slowly and gently how to become independant. I also found out shortly after my Dad died that I was pregnant with my first child, and that's when the trouble began.

My husband grew incredibly resentful of the time I was spending with my Mum and the help I was giving her. He started spending most of his evenings in our local pub and we would have very heated rows about how my Mum was "taking advantage" of me and using me. In my opinion I wasn't doing anything that any normal loving daugther would do. He was angry that my Dad didn't have life insurance, sure so was I but it happened, what could I do - we had to get on with it.

When he drank he became very abusive in a sense he would say things like "our child would be a b**** because he had my familys blood in him", or my Dad deserved what he got. I used to sob and sob. I was always too worried to have my Mum and little brother round my house through fear of upsetting my husband.

I had a difficult pregnancy which resulted in Bells Palsy for 3 weeks, and then an emergency section at 37 weeks as a result of Severe Pre Eclampsia. My baby boy thank goodness, was fine.

The night I was admitted to hospital my Grandad passed away after a short battle with Cancer. I didn't get to go to his funeral.

When we came out of hospital it was lovely at first, but then my husbands controlling became worse, I wasn't allowed to give my Mum a key to the house to let herself in, I wasn't allowed to give her lunch if she came round to look after my baby (even though I did). I wasn't allowed to treat her to anything even though we earn well and Mum was in such a difficult situation.

I pushed it all to the back of my mind and separated my relationshiop with my Mum and that with my husband.

Then in 2008 my husband and I went out with friends for the evening, he drank quite a lot, and when we came home my Mum who had been baby sitting our son (for some reason that was ok as it was convenient for him so we could go out), left for the evening and my husband picked a fight with me. My baby boy was asleep upstairs. The row escalated and I stood up for myself and gave him a few home truths. This resulted in me being dragged across the floor by my hair, and he tried to throw me out of our house. I fought back and my dress got ripped, he threw me out and then came to the door with a kitchen knife and told me I wasn't coming back in. I was terrified that my baby was in there, neighbours came out and they called the police. When the police came they knocked on the door and my husband answered, smiling with our baby in his arms and said in front of them to me " have you calmed down now??". I burst through the door, grabbed my son and rushed upstairs. The police followed me and I was too scared to tell them what he had done so I just said we'd had a heated row and he scared me a bit. They took him away to "cool off". The next morning he came back and went straight to bed, I woke up and had bruises running down my arms and 2 black eyes, a cut on my nose and a little bald patch where my hair had been pulled out.

When he saw the state I was in he broke down and sobbed and sobbed. I didn't want him anywhere near me. Over the course of the day I allowed him to cuddle me, he seemed so sorry. I covered the bruises with make up and got on with my life.

If you knew me you'd think this would be the complete opposite as to how I'd react to this situation but I was a new Mum, I'd lost my Dad and my Grandad, I wasn't allowed to work full time any more as my husband didn't want our son in a nursery, and I was scared to be on my own.

He promised it would never happen again and he pretty much stopped drinking.

Months past and our relationship was ok, still up and down but ok. He's a good Dad to our son. Then on boxing night 2009 he drank a lot again and after friends had left, he accused me of not paying him any attention. A row followed and he was violent again, this time I had bruises around my neck and on my arms, but he stopped himself before it went too far. I went to bed crying and he came upstairs crying, he wanted to have sex and so we did.

That was the last time we slept together, Boxing night 2009.

Something died in me that night, but even after I kept going, I didn't want my son to grow up without his Dad and he had never witnessed anything his Daddy had ever done.

He still wasn't keen on my family and so I never really discussed them or had them round the house. I didn't speak of my Dad and I would just cry when I knew I was alone or play a song that remimded me of him, anything to feel close to my dad.

Then in Jan 2011 my world came crashing down when my lovely Mum was diagnosed with cancer, after such a tough battle she died on her own in September a few weeks after my birthday, in bed aged 55, something ruptured and she bled out. We had to break the door down, it looked like a crime scene. I felt absolutely broken hearted.

When I went home that evening my husband said "don't let our son see you cry" and I went to bed alone. Again I was in a situation where I had to help my brother, fortunately I have another brother who he could live with as I wasn't allowed to have him come live with us. I had to help in secret as much as I could through fear of rocking the boat.

Over the years my husband has run my confidence down to a point where I've felt worthless, the lack of sex in our marriage is due to him, he doesn't want to sleep with me. I've been rejected so many times and despite my pleas for him to talk to me about it, he doesn't. He is just full of anger.

In rows he tells me I've let myself go, I'm a fat c***, why the f* would he want to sleep with me. And I've taken it.

It was my Mums 1 yr anniversary of her death last month and something inside my has snapped. My son is nearly 5, he started school in Sept. I've finally confided in my best friends who have been amazing, I feel confident again (well a bit more than I did) and I have an amazing child and wonderful friends who make me smile.

My husband has his own business and works from about 8am, till 10pm most nights, including Saturdays, we see him on a Sunday for a few hours.

I feel like a fog has cleared because I know now that I will never be able to make love to this man again, not because he doesn't want me, but because I don't want him. I replay all the things he's said and done over and over in my head and it's making me stronger by the day. I miss my Mum so much I can't breathe some days but I also feel like she is with me, if only I'd have told her.

Everyone thinks my husband is a good guy, and in fairness he can be, I don't want for anything, I can spend what I like. But I know now that at the age of 33 I can't live in this lonely, loveless, unhealthy marriage any more. It has taken me so long to get here and now that I am I don't know what to do or where to begin.

My one and only reservation is that our son adores him, and has never seen the side of him that I have. I am scared the splitting up our family for my happiness is selfish and the wrong thing to do.

I would be so grateful for any advice, and I appreciate you taking the time to read, I know this has been a bit of an essay. I hope you don't feel I'm weak for staying as long as I have.


AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 11-Oct-12 12:41:30

You cannot remain within such a marriage. Your H has been violent towards you in the past and you are now in a loveless marriage. What relationship lessons do you want to teach your child, this model that both of you are showing him is not fit for purpose. Is this what you want to teach him about relationships?.

Also you have written the "he's a good dad" comment. He patently is not if he has treated you, the mother of his child, so abusively. Also women in abusive situations often write the good dad comment when they themselves can (and in your case also have) written absolutely nothing positive about their man.

Abusers as well are very plausible to those in the outside world.

If your parents were alive now, what would they be advising you; I am certain they would want to help you free yourself from your H.

Your son may well have heard his dad shout at you, that is not beyond the realms of possibility here.

Your son has a right to see his dad post separation; that you can facilitate. It is not his fault you and your H can no longer be together and he should not be the glue that binds you two together now. This should have ended a long time ago but it has not ended for all sorts of reasons partly to do with your own self as well (perhaps you thought he would change). However, dragging it out now even longer will do you no favours whatsoever.

You are 33 and still young; you have a life still in front of you and you and your son can make a free start. You have a choice re your H, your child does not.

Where do you see yourself in say 12 months time?. Still with him?

Seek legal advice and speak to Womens Aid. They can help. You have to take the first, often the most hardest of steps, to access help.

hildebrandisgettinghappier Thu 11-Oct-12 12:42:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MakeItALarge Thu 11-Oct-12 12:43:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hildebrandisgettinghappier Thu 11-Oct-12 12:43:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

delilahlilah Thu 11-Oct-12 12:50:10

I'm so sorry you have had to go through this. Your son needs a happy Mum. As he sees your son on a Sunday as things stand, there will be very little difference for your DS. You should leave because the violence can escalate, and it will be safer for you. (This is from someone who left a DV relationship, so I know it isn't easy).
You will find a lot of support here. Good luck with your future OP, I'm sure things will get better for you.

Idlegirl83 Thu 11-Oct-12 12:59:31

Couldn't just read and run - just wanted to wish you all the luck in the world in starting a new happier life. You sound like such a strong person. Sending un-mumsnetty hugs!

woolyscarf Thu 11-Oct-12 13:10:56

my eyes are full of tears when I read this. you have been so brave. this is not your fault and if you need to split up from this guy to give yourself and your little boy a life you have to do it. My father was extremely violent and my mother would not leave 'for the sake of the children' - we endured years of physical and psychological abuse until I was eighteen and could leave of my own accord. My mother finally had the courage to leave a year later. I wish she had taken us away from him when I was younger.There's a point where you have to say this is'nt working and put it right. If someone keeps apologising and then keeps doing the same thing -they're not apologising, they're just leading you onto the next round, and it'll get worse. You are a strong lady, think of your little boy and how you want him to grow up and what you want him to get out of his childhood and teen years and make plans to get the happiness you both deserve.

alka2 Mon 15-Oct-12 10:59:49

Hello everyone

I am sorry for the delay in responding. It has taken me a few days to read these replies as every time I've tried I've ended up sobbing, almost like grieving for myself in a way and all these years that I've wasted.

I appreciate every one of your replies and advice.

I am starting to open and up confide in close friends, some of who haven't actually been that surprised, some are shocked at what an "amazing actress" I am (their words, not mine). But above all they believe me and they have all been so supportive.

We haven't really sat down and talked yet, he is burying his head in the sand as I think he knows what's coming. We took our son out for the day Saturday which was actually nice, but as always it's more like my son and I, and then him. I actually found myself feeling sorry for him yesterday, he looked so sad, but that's the trap I always fall into - and this time I need to stay strong.

I feel bad about my timing, because other than the fact that there is no intimacy, cuddles, I love yous, kisses or affection between us, our "professional" relationship, ie: raising our child and me doing his company books etc has actually been going ok. We haven't rowed for about a month and he hasn't thrown insults at me for the same amount of time. I feel like I've caught him off guard as he didn't see this coming, but then again neither did I - and now that this light has gone off in my head I can't switch it off or make myself love him again.

I wish my Mum was here, I really need her right now.

Thank you everyone xxxx

woolyscarf Tue 13-Nov-12 13:38:18

You're mum is in your heart, her strength is with you, sending )HUGS(

Anniegetyourgun Tue 13-Nov-12 13:51:04

Dreadful, dreadful man. You should not even try to make yourself love him again. Not having a major blow-up for a month is not exactly the marker of a good relationship, you know! Get him away from you before your little boy learns all sorts of dreadful things about how adults are supposed to treat each other. And if that so-and-so was out of your life you could have your brother to stay. In your own house. Like normal people do.

gloomywinters2 Tue 13-Nov-12 14:14:41

i,m sorry to here you have gone throu all that

imtheonlyone Tue 13-Nov-12 14:15:21

Ohg you poor love! I am in floods of years now from reading your post.
Firstly, well done on making your decision - I know it's not easy - I left my XH after years of EA but nothing like you've explained here. No matter how bad things are and how much it's not your fault, I can feel you feel awful about making this decision and being the one splitting the family up. You're not. He had done this, all of this not you.
What you're doing is in the best interests of your DC which is what took me so very long to come to terms with.
If you're struggling, get some support from a counsellor - I went to relate for 18 months and without them I would never have been strong enough to stand up to my abusive ex. I'm so pleased you're opening up to friends too, you will need their support through all of this because its not easy. My friends were invaluable and I will never forget their support and kindness.
Get legal advice ASAP so that you know where you stand. Get a solicitor that you feel comfortable with and one who will fight your battle for you. Many offer half hour free sessions so use this to find one you're happy with.
Also speak to CAB or tax credits and find out what you're entitled to as from the date of separation open your own account and put money into it.
You will get through this - I am three years out the other side and so much happier - I too was 33 - there is so much s'more of your life to live.
Stay strong, you will get excellent advice on here .... Remember that your DS will be happy if you are ..... Good luck x

imtheonlyone Tue 13-Nov-12 14:16:58

Oh, hate doing this on my iPhone cos I can't refer back to the OP ... I'm soooo sorry about your losses - I lost my dad when I was 23 and its just awful. I'm so sorry. Use this time now to get close to your brother again - it will be so rewarding for both of you xx

Flossiechops Tue 13-Nov-12 14:24:14

Oh goodness, you poor poor thing sad I have never been in your position but there is lots of support on these threads (((hugs))) I hope you can find the courage to leave the monster

Skyla2 Tue 13-Nov-12 14:36:27

Stay strong lovely: ) You're a survivor!!!
I lost both of my parents within 2 years of eachother too. That is hard enough. You deserve love and understanding, unconditionally. It sounds like your husband had serious issues with your Mum, he seems deeply insecure, or else he would have been fine with you helping your Mum through a very difficult time. You deserve much more than he can give. I hope you're ok. One day at a time! No one has the right to hurt you. Sometimes the best thing any of us can do is, Let go and walk away! xx

gloomywinters2 Tue 13-Nov-12 15:29:55

it seem,s like your getting stronger by the dau i,m glad you,ve told your friends for support i hate that he seem,s to be using your son against you i hope you can leave him. least nowadays there are organisations that can help you make that move.

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