What is she thinking?

[ftc1]

Long story short. Myself and DP partner have been together 10 years and recently moved city due to redundancy. Partner found out she was pregnant in the middle of July.

A week before she found out she was pregnant she went out with her work and got utterly steaming and can't remember everything that happened, except that she said something stupid to her boss and he put her in a taxi home.

Now, every few weeks she starts to get a mad obsession with the due date of the baby, asking how wrong scans can be, whether they could have the conception date wrong. The dates all sound right to me as we were TTC around that time and it was an everyday event.

I reassure her as much as I can but this keeps coming up and she says she doesn't want me to lose the connection with the baby and think it isn't mine. I think she is trying get reassurance off me but I don't know how much more I can give - its like she wants me to say that even if it isn't mine everything will be okay. I'm never going to say that.

For what its worth I am 100% sure that the baby is mine, but this constant need for reassurance is starting to confuse and upset me.

She has had anxiety before and got counselling, and she has previous of going out and getting hammered and propositioning men, sometimes whilst I am standing next to her, though not for a while. We have made a lot of changes in the past year which would be stressful for anyone.

I want to help her but I don't want to be her emotional punch bag forever.

[crazygracieuk]

A lot of women would be feeling guilty about being drunk when she was unknowingly pregnant.
Or is she a secret Jeremy Kyle addict and letting her hormone fuelled mind run away with her?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

So when you say she 'said something stupid to her boss'.... you mean she shagged him?

[Lueji]

She wouldn't know she was pregnant a week after conception.
Unless she took a very early pregnancy test and even so it's not likely.

So, it can't possibly have happened then.

When had she started her last period before that night?

However, it does sound like she thinks or knows something happened that night. But that's for you to worry about.

[ftc1]

I'm pretty sure nothing happened on the night out - she can remember her boss angrily put her in a taxi so it wouldn't surprise me if she drunkenly propositioned him and he told her to fuck off.

The test said 2-3 weeks, so right around the time we were TTC. I don't think she would cheat on me, even drunk. As I say, this has happened before and she has never followed through. She is feeling guilty for getting pissed.

[Lueji]

If it helps, something similar happened to me.

I never get drunk, by the way, but about a week after the time of conception I went on a business trip, yes, with my boss, and after a couple of drinks at lunch I got really badly affected. Thankfully not drunk as such, but totally dizzy, and also thankfully as I returned to the hotel, locked the door, drank loads of water and slept it off as we didn't have a meeting that afternoon.
I suspect that the pregnancy gave me a really bad reaction to the alcohol.

Maybe something similar happened to her?

My DS is fine and the pregnancy went well too. :)

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think you have to encourage her (or even insist) to get some professional help for this anxiety, obsessive and bizarre propositioning behaviour. A new baby is such a shock to the system that it can send even the most well-balanced woman into a state of panic. She sounds like she isn't coping too well already, you're not equipped to manage someone with MH issues, and she needs some professional intervention.

[Lueji]

But, she may well be hormonal and need some reassurance that you do love her.

What would you do have done if she had been taken advantage of raped, for example, and the baby was not yours?
Maybe she just needs you to say that you'd stay with her no matter what.

[JustFabulous]

The night out and the pregnancy can not be related unless there is more she is not telling you.

[ftc1]

Thanks for comments - if she had been taken advantage of then things would be different, but if she had willfully cheated and got pregnant then I wouldn't stay with her. I'm not going to lie and say I would.

However, I'm 100% sure that nothing happened. I know that the night out and the pregnancy are not related.
I think she perhaps does need to see someone, I don't know how much more I can reassure her that I love her and I love the baby. I - we're - absolutely delighted and she is getting upset about how much this is spoiling the anticipation for us both.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Then suggest a trip to the GP. She already has a history of mental illness and doctors (midwives etc) are very alert to things like pre-natal depression or other psychological problems in pregnant women. If someone is clinically anxious, depressed or similarly unwell it has to be treated. It cannot be cured with well-meant reassurance.

[TheDreadedFoosa]

I dont understand. Is she telling you she had sex with someone else?

If that not what she's sayiing then what on earth is she going on about?

[ftc1]

TheDreadedFoosa - this is exactly my point. i don't know what she is saying or why she is saying it.

CES - I think I am going have to.

Thanks all

[GoldShip]

Can I just say, you're dealing with this brilliantly. I read so much shit about men on here that its actually nice and refreshing when men raise the bar.

I think you need to speak to her about it. Ask her why she keeps saying things like that. I mean, if she had slept with him wouldn't she be trying to hide it? Instead if the constant out loud doubt?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If the description of getting hammered and 'propositioning men' is accurate, you could easily be looking at a obsessive compulsive psychosis, possibly bi-polar disorder. If someone is suffering from that kind of illness they can behave quite erratically

[ftc1]

I'm not dealing with this particularly well. I get angry at her and I get frustrated with her and I do show it. I'm by no means a perfect DP.

CES - I really don't think its anything like that (not that I'm qualified). the propositioning is a drunk thing - when she had counselling previously it was after an episode and the counseller was sure that it was mainly being pissed. It hasn't happened to my knowledge in years - and she generally tells me everything - even the stuff that upsets me.

I think its anxiety because she feels like a lot of stuff is out of control - although we had been TTC for years we're now quite far from family and friends and she was planning to start studying for a career change in September.

[TheDreadedFoosa]

Setting aside the possibility of some kind of serious MH issue, i dont see how her saying things to deliberately lead you to doubt that she has been faithful can be because she's anxious.

Either she has slept with someone else, in which case she needs to tell you directly, cos whats the frigging point of all but admitting it?

Or, she is purposefully making shit up and wifully messing around with your head in a really awful way.

Is she generally attention-seeking? Does she tend towards being dramatic to create tension?

What does she say when you ask directly if she has had sex with someone else?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"the counseller was sure that it was mainly being pissed"

Counsellors are not doctors. Neither am I and neither are you which is why she needs to see someone who is qualified. What I do know, however, having had the misfortune to experience MH problems and alcoholism within my extended family, is that what she's doing is not normal behaviour, even is she is 'just pissed'.