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how do you know when it's the end?

(16 Posts)
princesskc Thu 11-Oct-12 00:33:16

Just that really how do you know when to stop trying to make it work and walk away?

deliasmithy Thu 11-Oct-12 00:57:35

There can be a complicated or straight forward answer, OP.
Everyone is going to have different definitions of when something is over or needs to end.

In the broadest sense, difficult patches or troubled relationships require the desire and effort of both partners to solve it. Also a level of trust is fundamental to a good relationship. So if those are lacking, it would be hard.

deliasmithy Thu 11-Oct-12 00:59:14

It's sounds as though you're having a dilemma, maybe it would help if you could explain a little about what is going on for you?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Oct-12 07:28:26

Simple answer to your question is when you don't want to try any more. Doesn't have to be more complicated than that. 'Making it work' can only be a two-way thing. If you become conscious that you're making all the effort or that your heart is no longer in it or if, despite a lot of effort on all sides, the outcome is still unsatisfactory, then that's the time to call it a day

Confusingtimesahead Thu 11-Oct-12 08:24:19

Simple answer??

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Oct-12 08:36:31

Yes, it is fundamentally a simple problem. Obviously, there are many things to take into consideration but when you don't want to try any more, what you're left with is either capitulation or self-assertion.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 11-Oct-12 09:27:23

When XH told his sister we were divorcing, and it was like seeing a sudden light at the end of the tunnel when I realised we could separate, it could work, I didn't have to keep going any more. Then it turned out he didn't mean it and it was like the weight of the world descending again. He promised to make all sorts of changes and I felt trapped into having to give him a chance again. A couple of days later he said he'd had a rethink and realised he hadn't done anything wrong, he had a good reason for everything he'd done, I'd made up a load of complaints so I would have an excuse to shag younger men; and although it was a bit horrifying in a way (like watching someone go mad in front of your eyes), it was also a huge relief. Now I didn't have to try any more.

Actually, that's basically an illustration of Cogito's point. Of course sometimes there'll be a last straw, if your OH does something so awful you have to call it a day, but mostly it's the gradual realisation that you don't have to live like this.

princesskc Thu 11-Oct-12 12:58:48

Thanks for replies, we had problems a few years ago but he said he'd change if we tried to make it work so we did and for about a year it was ok. He tried hard and things were ok but I just don't feel the same, I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to fight for our marriage any more

princesskc Thu 11-Oct-12 12:59:32

Sorry if that's garbled I'm on my phone.

Offred Thu 11-Oct-12 13:10:24

I think you know it is the end when you don't want to try anymore.

Offred Thu 11-Oct-12 13:12:15

Ha that'll teach me not to read the posts! X post with cog! I would add allcaveat thug

Offred Thu 11-Oct-12 13:13:25

Oops stupid phone! A caveat that if the problem is definitely the relationship and not something to do with your feelings about yourself otherwise you'll still be unhappy when you leave.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Oct-12 13:20:58

"I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to fight for our marriage any more "

So he's had an affair or made some other massive breach of trust, promised to change, made an effort but you've realised you don't care enough about him after all? I'd say that's pretty normal. You may not want to hurt him but he had no hesitation in hurting you... Time to call it a day.

Confusingtimesahead Thu 11-Oct-12 15:11:42

Always so clear cut and simple isn't it cog. . .

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Oct-12 16:12:00

So what's your take on the situation confusingtimesahead? What do you think the OP should do?

Dahlen Thu 11-Oct-12 16:32:26

IME most people linger on for a while in the stage of not being sure they want to end it for good or not. Then one day, something will be said or done (often it's really trivial or insignificant too) and one party will have a lightbulb moment and know they've had enough there and then.

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