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I lost my temper with DH

(66 Posts)
Autumn12 Wed 10-Oct-12 22:04:54

I have recently found out that my Dads cancer has returned and we are waiting on test results to find out whether it has spread. The results are due any day and I've told DH that I'm very nervous as we don't anticipate good news.

My dad has a family from an earlier relationship who hold resentment towards me for being in his life and refuse to acknowledge me. Earlier this evening DH took it upon himself to start giving me what he termed "friendly advice" over how I should handle these people going forward. It basically consisted of telling me that I need to be more forceful in confronting my dad over their behaviour, something which for several reasons I am unwilling to do. The conversation upset me and I made it clear to DH that I did not welcome what I perceived as his criticism of how I'm handling the situation and that I did not want to talk about it anymore. This was all said in a nice enough way and we both moved into another subject with no hard feelings.

Shortly after DH decided to start asking questions about a free event that I am getting him into via my line of work. With it being a free event and somewhat of a perk I have not been able to confirm when he will be able to go. It's narrowed down to 2 dates and I've always made it clear that I wouldn't know until the last minute when he could go. Other relatives of mine are also going and accept that they need to be on standby to go on either of the dates I have given. My DH has decided that he isn't happy to not know what is going on and would not stop going on at me about it. I've told him the situation many times but for some reason he seemed to expect me to give more concrete details. When I said several times that I was unable to confirm he started getting shirty about being left hanging etc. I've no idea why he is making an issue of this and I told him so. I also told him that with what I'm going through with
My dad I really don't care about this event and frankly I couldn't give a toss when people go. He took umbrage at this ( he seems to think he is doing me the favour by going ) and started having a bit of a go at me. To my dismay I began crying (all of this whilst walking home together) and ended up shouting at him that I wish it was him with cancer and not my dad.

I'm utterly ashamed at having said it and of course I don't mean it. But I'm very stressed by the situation and I really don't need my DH giving me shit over this bloody event, which incidentally I will not even be in the country for. I have since tried to apologise to my DH but he won't have it and will not speak to me.

Am I being unreasonable or is he bring an arse?

mutny Fri 12-Oct-12 14:54:11

really sgb you do go over the top. I don't think anyone as completely ignored what a cock he was.

I love how, on mn, if you don't indulge in the OPs behaviour you must be 'sainted'. Its almost as though people can not have their own view of what is and what is mot acceptable. confused

Op I am glad hr is being more affectionate and that you can and want to get past this. Good luck for the future.

AgentZigzag Fri 12-Oct-12 13:07:41

That's good Autumn, glad it's getting back to normal smile

Autumn12 Fri 12-Oct-12 11:58:50

I'm ok, Thanks for asking.

We haven't really had a chance to talk. I did email him to apologise again yesterday and he said that he didn't want to dwell on it and for us to just move on. He went out after work last night and we sort of avoided each other when he got in (I didn't feel that talking to him after he'd had a couple of pints would do any good).

We did have a bit of a chat this morning and he is being very affectionate towards me, so I think that he does feel bad about his behaviour. I don't think what I said is going to cause any lasting damage to our relationship.

Thanks for all of the advice and replies.

Jux Thu 11-Oct-12 22:34:53

OP, are you OK? Are you in a position to talk with your dh about what has happened reasonably now? Have things calmed down? Did he apologise to you for his part in it?

solidgoldbrass Thu 11-Oct-12 19:46:35

I love the way everyone's going waah, blaaah, she said a nasty thing and completely ignoring the fact that she only said it because she had repeatedly asked him to stop nagging and bullying her, when she was upset and crying, and he carried on and on.

Women, know your place: if a man is telling you off and ordering you to do something, don't answer back, just accept his superiority and obey. Otherwise you are the villain of the piece.

Hullygully Thu 11-Oct-12 19:13:59

Well I can imagine it. The convo is going on and on about cancer/the event etc etc and in the end it becomes bloody hell I wish you were the one etc.

Perhaps some are more sainted than others, but i can imagine it only too well.

mutny Thu 11-Oct-12 16:54:06

Oh ffs. We all say htings in rage. He was being an arse and should make up for it by understanding you didn't really mean it.

I have never wished cancer on someone, or in fact told someone to drop dead. Its not a normal thing to say.

AgentZigzag Thu 11-Oct-12 16:41:14

It was a bit more than just saying 'drop dead', it's along similar lines to the offence I'd take at someone, who instead of saying a general 'I'm going to kill you!', said 'I'm going to cut the tendons at the backs of your feet so you can't run, and take a blow torch to your face after pulling your fingernails out one by one - whilst making your family sit there and watch'.

Him going on at the OP doesn't excuse or equal her saying she wishes he was the one who had the threat of a possibly painful and lingering death hanging over him, rather than her dad.

I don't think she meant it literally either, but she can't expect him to just brush it off.

woolyscarf Thu 11-Oct-12 15:45:43

sending )big hug( about the cancer and your dad. My DH always wants to know the 'far end of a feather ' as far as facts on anything goes (I still love him and its now a bit of a joke) and sometimes I feel as if I'm telling him too much and expect him to have some knowledge or remember what I've said. If he's one of those that like to have all the facts and figures and has got this way of thinking he may genuinely just have wanted to help. Yes, he's being an arse. Yes, you should n't have said what you said. Yes, it'll take a lot of forgiveness on both sides ... but if you're both in it for the long haul you need to get over this hurdle!

BelieveInPink Thu 11-Oct-12 15:44:46

Hmm. You didn't say he was a dick, then apologise for saying it. You wished a deadly disease on him.

I'd be doing more than sulking and it says a lot about deeper feelings.

Teeb Thu 11-Oct-12 15:34:57

Sorry Jux, but you know this how? From what the op (the woman who wished her husband had cancer) said?

Jux Thu 11-Oct-12 15:30:53

Oh FFS people. She didn't mean it and he bloody well knows it, but he is using it as an excuse to avoid looking at his own behaviour.

He's been bashing like a spoilt toddler for hours and hours - all fucking evening. Finally op snaps and behaves like a toddler too. Then she immediately pulls herself up and behaves like an adult.

He is milking it. He has been milking everything all along.

Wilding Thu 11-Oct-12 15:19:06

(that was pointing at SGB btw - thread moving too quickly!)

Wilding Thu 11-Oct-12 15:18:44

^ wot she said

"He likes to have "discussions" about things that are bothering him when I'm trying to get ready for work for example. Or in public where it's embarrassing because people may hear."

Big red flags there.

Teeb Thu 11-Oct-12 15:16:00

I'm sorry you're in this position op, it sounds like you have a lot going on right now and what you need is support and kindness from those nearest to you. At the same time though, you have to be aware that you need to give support and kindness yourself, and I imagine what you said to your husband will linger in the memory for an awfully long time.

Hullygully Thu 11-Oct-12 15:01:44

Oh ffs. We all say htings in rage. He was being an arse and should make up for it by understanding you didn't really mean it.

diddl Thu 11-Oct-12 14:57:06

Yes, why wouldn´t I?

GoldShip Thu 11-Oct-12 14:49:41


Just a quick question, would you been saying the same to a man?

If a man had come on here saying he'd wished cancer on his wife and she was now 'sulking' about it, would you be saying the same?

GoldShip Thu 11-Oct-12 14:48:38

I agree FML, it isn't sulking at all. Is he supposed to just get over it because he's a man and he's been apologised to?

I don't care what I'd done if my DP said that, I'd be reconsidering our relationship.

I can understand the OP is going through a really bad time, Ive been there, family suffering and dying with cancer and being with an abusive cheating nobhead, so I'm not just saying this heartlessly.

Hopefully he can forgive her, and start giving her the support she needs at this time.

diddl Thu 11-Oct-12 14:46:35

What the OP said was horrible-but if her husband had any bloody sense, he´d realise that she didn´t mean it & look at his own part in it all.

Her dad has cancer & he´s whineyarsing on about a fucking freebie.

FML Thu 11-Oct-12 14:32:13

I have had to sit and watch 3 loved ones go through cancer, and lose their fight with it. There is nothing like feeling so completely helpless, angry, and like you are literally going insane with it all. It is heartbreaking. I completely have sympathy with the OP with that, and I would continue to support her through it.

I can't lie though over my opinion on the comment she made. I snapped at many people when going through the same. My partner especially. But I would never of wished cancer upon them. What I did do though, was told him how he had no fucking clue what emotions and heartache I was going through and told him to get stuffed a few times, as he had never lost someone. I even soon became to regret saying that, when a few weeks later, he had to also start to sit helplessly and watch someone he cared so much for suffer and die sad.

I am not going to jump on the OP for it, but I don't think it is right to say he is "sulking". This isn't over being denied a toy or something, he is obviously upset because he now thinks his wife wishes that it was him suffering cancer instead. I would be heartbroken if my DP had said that to me tbh, especially with the knowledge of what cancer does to someone and having saw it for themselves.

solidgoldbrass Thu 11-Oct-12 13:57:18

I am honestly shocked at some of the oversensitive whinyarses on here. OP, you said something nasty to this man after a prolonged session of him bullying and goading you - big fucking deal. Loads of people shout 'Drop dead!' at someone who is tormenting them, and it's perfectly understandable that you said what you did when cancer is something on your mind and you are upset and angry and feeling utterly cornered.

I think your H is a prick, by the way, and that his prickish behaviour over both your family and the concert tickets is just another example of it. It sounds to me as though he considers himself the most important thing in your universe, and any time your attention is not 100 on him, he's going to provoke a row to punish you.

wheredidiputit Thu 11-Oct-12 13:46:16

I think he succeeding in what he wanted.

Instead of you stressing over your dad/family and working/buying a house the only thing you are worried/stressed about are HIM and HIS feelings.

Step back from it. I wouldn't worry about him and his friend going to your event. If you can then do but don't go out of your way to organise it. If he brings again tell you have told what happening and you not talking about again. The same with your dad and family. As you have come terms with relationship and you not going to upset your dad about it now.

NervousAt20 Thu 11-Oct-12 13:12:27

I think he was being abit of an arse but I think you we're completely unreasonable to say that, I understand that things get said in the heat of the moment but that is an awful thing to say and he will never forget it

FML Thu 11-Oct-12 13:07:55

Honestly, OP, I do sympathize with you as I have been there. But the fact I have been there, and saw loved ones suffer so much with cancer, if anyone told me they wished that upon me, I am afraid I would never forgive them. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, nevermind someone you love.

He was being a prick, but your comment is the lowest of the low. But, all you can do is apologise and take responsibility for what you said, the rest is up to him now.

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