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I lost my temper with DH

(66 Posts)
Autumn12 Wed 10-Oct-12 22:04:54

I have recently found out that my Dads cancer has returned and we are waiting on test results to find out whether it has spread. The results are due any day and I've told DH that I'm very nervous as we don't anticipate good news.

My dad has a family from an earlier relationship who hold resentment towards me for being in his life and refuse to acknowledge me. Earlier this evening DH took it upon himself to start giving me what he termed "friendly advice" over how I should handle these people going forward. It basically consisted of telling me that I need to be more forceful in confronting my dad over their behaviour, something which for several reasons I am unwilling to do. The conversation upset me and I made it clear to DH that I did not welcome what I perceived as his criticism of how I'm handling the situation and that I did not want to talk about it anymore. This was all said in a nice enough way and we both moved into another subject with no hard feelings.

Shortly after DH decided to start asking questions about a free event that I am getting him into via my line of work. With it being a free event and somewhat of a perk I have not been able to confirm when he will be able to go. It's narrowed down to 2 dates and I've always made it clear that I wouldn't know until the last minute when he could go. Other relatives of mine are also going and accept that they need to be on standby to go on either of the dates I have given. My DH has decided that he isn't happy to not know what is going on and would not stop going on at me about it. I've told him the situation many times but for some reason he seemed to expect me to give more concrete details. When I said several times that I was unable to confirm he started getting shirty about being left hanging etc. I've no idea why he is making an issue of this and I told him so. I also told him that with what I'm going through with
My dad I really don't care about this event and frankly I couldn't give a toss when people go. He took umbrage at this ( he seems to think he is doing me the favour by going ) and started having a bit of a go at me. To my dismay I began crying (all of this whilst walking home together) and ended up shouting at him that I wish it was him with cancer and not my dad.

I'm utterly ashamed at having said it and of course I don't mean it. But I'm very stressed by the situation and I really don't need my DH giving me shit over this bloody event, which incidentally I will not even be in the country for. I have since tried to apologise to my DH but he won't have it and will not speak to me.

Am I being unreasonable or is he bring an arse?

mutny Thu 11-Oct-12 07:13:09

See I don't get the 'you have apologised so leave him to it'

usually I would agree, but this is just snapping at someone. OP you wished him dead.

I don't think an apology from dh would cut it tbh. It would change how I saw him.

Funnylittleturkishdelight Thu 11-Oct-12 07:15:00

I can see why you said it- you apologised, give him time to think and he is as of yet to apologise to you. It sounds like you were being very clear to him that you wanted him to stop- almost like he was pushing you to argue? Is this normal when you disagree?

CinnabarRed Thu 11-Oct-12 08:27:08

You mentioned his drinking. Is that a recurring issue, especially if it makes him verbally aggressive?

diddl Thu 11-Oct-12 08:34:45

YWBU in what you said, but NBU for losing your temper.

TBH I´d cancel the event & seriously think about leaving.

Jux Thu 11-Oct-12 09:56:55

What diddl said.

I think you said it because he was the one causing you immediate stress, and you needed him to stop (there's a case to be made about possible bullying going on here). However you did apologise, but he chose not to accept it, which shows further that he is not empathising with you (and more bullying?).

If he goads you further about this event then just offer to cancel his place instead. This would remove his worries about it in one fell swoop. Presumably he still wants to go, and maybe he'll stop hassling you for confirmation you're unable to give if the alternative is that he doesn't go at all. Don't waste your time trying to get his mate in, you've enough on your plate already.

As you have apologised for what you said already, I'm not really sure whether you should apologise again, but it might help. That's up to you.

I do think he should look at his own behaviour. When things have calmed down, you could ask him why he was goading you. You'll have to do it very non-confrontationally though.

I think you'll be lucky to get him to admit any wrong-doing while he deals with your lash. He knows you didn't mean it, he'd be an idiot or 5 years old otherwise, and I'm sure he's not. Obviously something is getting him very stressed and you need to know what it is.

GoldShip Thu 11-Oct-12 10:45:14

however you did apologise, but he chose not to accept it, which shows further that he is not empathising with you (and more bullying
Sorry but she wished him DEAD. She wished a horrific and destroying disease on someone she's supposed to love. Isn't he allowed to feel angry? Sometimes an apology just doesn't cut it and time is needed.

A few of us have said we'd never forgive our DP's, nothing to do with lack of empathy and/or bullying.

mutny Thu 11-Oct-12 10:47:21

Couldn't agree with goldsbip more.

mayorquimby Thu 11-Oct-12 11:06:04

See I don't get the 'you have apologised so leave him to it"

Agreed. I certainly don't think the fact that he's choosing not to talk to someone who wished cancer on him should be classed as "sulking"

mutny Thu 11-Oct-12 11:14:08

If he goads you further about this event then just offer to cancel his place instead. This would remove his worries about it in one fell swoop

I am really shocked at this attitude. Yes he was a dick. Bit really, holding it over him? To make him speak to her. Threaten to cancel it if he doesn't act appropriately?

I can not imagine a man being given that advice. No one here would tell a man to hold something he was doing for his dw over her head until she acted how he wanted her to or accepted her apology. That's abuse and I can't believe people here are encouraging it.

The OP, no matter how stressed, wished her dh dead. She can apologise but everyone has the right to accept it when they feel ready.

This is more than a 'i'm sorry' situation.

KatMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 11-Oct-12 11:23:40


Thanks for the replies.
How do I get the thread moved?

Hi Autumn12, we've moved your thread into Relationships for you now. Hope you get the advice and support you need thanks

GoldShip Thu 11-Oct-12 11:29:55

Agree with Mutny, this is another occasion where if the sexes were reversed we'd be reading completely different answers

Autumn12 Thu 11-Oct-12 12:03:26

I wouldn't say that he goads me into argueing but he does have a habit of choosing inappropriate times. He likes to have "discussions" about things that are bothering him when I'm trying to get ready for work for example. Or in public where it's embarrassing because people may hear.

Re the drinking yes that has been an issue in our relationship. It's got better though.

I think he resents me at the moment for various reasons.

AgentZigzag Thu 11-Oct-12 12:08:00

I agree it shouldn't be used against him and it's up to him whether he accepts the apology, but I don't think the posts have got anything to do with the OP being a woman.

I've posted what I have because the OP's here and said she's on the edge already, I probably would have been more aggressive robust in my answers if it had been said to her by someone else, but only because I'd be sympathising with whoever's posting and the other person wouldn't be there asking for support.

diddl Thu 11-Oct-12 12:32:52

The reason I would cancel the event is that he´s not happy about it being down to two dates.

That´s all OP can do atm & he doesn´t seem able to accept that.

So, yes, I´d be fucked off that I was doing my best & it wasn´t enough & I´d cancel.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 11-Oct-12 12:35:54

The way I see it is he was pissed and droning on and on, spouting out unwanted advice therefore being a dickhead. The OP said they'd resolved this but nah, he hadn't so chose to go on about the event. The OP gets more upset and stressed and snaps.

Therefore i read it as two people being rather horrid to each other.

I think that the OP should tell him that they both need to have a talk to clear the air when he's ready and leave it at that.

mutny Thu 11-Oct-12 13:03:25

but I don't think the posts have got anything to do with the OP being a woman

Imo, if a man was doing what the op has and is being advised to do people would be shouting that its emotional abuse.

clipped has it right. Both were being horrible. Not just the OP, but what she said takes it to a whole new level.

FML Thu 11-Oct-12 13:07:55

Honestly, OP, I do sympathize with you as I have been there. But the fact I have been there, and saw loved ones suffer so much with cancer, if anyone told me they wished that upon me, I am afraid I would never forgive them. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, nevermind someone you love.

He was being a prick, but your comment is the lowest of the low. But, all you can do is apologise and take responsibility for what you said, the rest is up to him now.

NervousAt20 Thu 11-Oct-12 13:12:27

I think he was being abit of an arse but I think you we're completely unreasonable to say that, I understand that things get said in the heat of the moment but that is an awful thing to say and he will never forget it

wheredidiputit Thu 11-Oct-12 13:46:16

I think he succeeding in what he wanted.

Instead of you stressing over your dad/family and working/buying a house the only thing you are worried/stressed about are HIM and HIS feelings.

Step back from it. I wouldn't worry about him and his friend going to your event. If you can then do but don't go out of your way to organise it. If he brings again tell you have told what happening and you not talking about again. The same with your dad and family. As you have come terms with relationship and you not going to upset your dad about it now.

solidgoldbrass Thu 11-Oct-12 13:57:18

I am honestly shocked at some of the oversensitive whinyarses on here. OP, you said something nasty to this man after a prolonged session of him bullying and goading you - big fucking deal. Loads of people shout 'Drop dead!' at someone who is tormenting them, and it's perfectly understandable that you said what you did when cancer is something on your mind and you are upset and angry and feeling utterly cornered.

I think your H is a prick, by the way, and that his prickish behaviour over both your family and the concert tickets is just another example of it. It sounds to me as though he considers himself the most important thing in your universe, and any time your attention is not 100 on him, he's going to provoke a row to punish you.

FML Thu 11-Oct-12 14:32:13

I have had to sit and watch 3 loved ones go through cancer, and lose their fight with it. There is nothing like feeling so completely helpless, angry, and like you are literally going insane with it all. It is heartbreaking. I completely have sympathy with the OP with that, and I would continue to support her through it.

I can't lie though over my opinion on the comment she made. I snapped at many people when going through the same. My partner especially. But I would never of wished cancer upon them. What I did do though, was told him how he had no fucking clue what emotions and heartache I was going through and told him to get stuffed a few times, as he had never lost someone. I even soon became to regret saying that, when a few weeks later, he had to also start to sit helplessly and watch someone he cared so much for suffer and die sad.

I am not going to jump on the OP for it, but I don't think it is right to say he is "sulking". This isn't over being denied a toy or something, he is obviously upset because he now thinks his wife wishes that it was him suffering cancer instead. I would be heartbroken if my DP had said that to me tbh, especially with the knowledge of what cancer does to someone and having saw it for themselves.

diddl Thu 11-Oct-12 14:46:35

What the OP said was horrible-but if her husband had any bloody sense, he´d realise that she didn´t mean it & look at his own part in it all.

Her dad has cancer & he´s whineyarsing on about a fucking freebie.

GoldShip Thu 11-Oct-12 14:48:38

I agree FML, it isn't sulking at all. Is he supposed to just get over it because he's a man and he's been apologised to?

I don't care what I'd done if my DP said that, I'd be reconsidering our relationship.

I can understand the OP is going through a really bad time, Ive been there, family suffering and dying with cancer and being with an abusive cheating nobhead, so I'm not just saying this heartlessly.

Hopefully he can forgive her, and start giving her the support she needs at this time.

GoldShip Thu 11-Oct-12 14:49:41


Just a quick question, would you been saying the same to a man?

If a man had come on here saying he'd wished cancer on his wife and she was now 'sulking' about it, would you be saying the same?

diddl Thu 11-Oct-12 14:57:06

Yes, why wouldn´t I?

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