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desperately need help please

(46 Posts)
littlemissangrypants Wed 10-Oct-12 21:46:08

I feel like my whole life is falling apart and I can't see a way out. Not even sure where to post as this is so odd. I split up with my ex nearly 2 years ago due to violence. We have two sons 11 and 12. I met a new guy and then I started work.
I'm now working nearly 60 hours a week and my partner is looking after my kids. I rarely see my kids and i don't feel like I still parent them at all. I know i messed up but i'm very low already so please don't kick me when I'm down. looks like due to hours and other things my relationship is falling apart. I can't keep my children because I have no overnight childcare.
My ex wont have them and when he does have them i have to pay him to babysit. Now tonight I realised that I just can't cope anymore with everything. I also have a heart condition and I just can't cope anymore.I told my ex to take the kids and now i need to find somewhere for them all to life and I need to work even more hours to pay for it all.
Please give me something to help me through the night as i don't know what to do. I just want to do the best by my boys. I had a mother who gave me up and left me to be abused so this hurts a lot but i'm just no good for my boys right now

izzyizin Mon 15-Oct-12 23:23:37

Whatever you do, DON'T hand in your notice. If your employers don't think you're up to the job, it's down to them to sack you.

izzyizin Mon 15-Oct-12 23:20:57

As I very much doubt that you'll be fully recovered within a fortnight, I would also suggest you make an appointment with your GP for Thursday 25 October so that you can be signed off sick for a further 2 weeks.

Doha Mon 15-Oct-12 23:15:23

Your workplace have no legal right to demand you back to work, You have a legal document citing you unfit for work for 2 weeks, you are under no obligation ( and in fact would be going back against medical advice) to go back to work OR your GP before the 2 weeks are up. In fact if anything happened to you when you went back-and you were there against medical advice there would be repercussions for your bosses as they have a duty of care to their staff to ensure you are medically fit and healthy for work
They are bullying you
Please call that number tomorrow

littlemissangrypants Mon 15-Oct-12 23:08:23

Thank you for that. Will give them a call tomorrow morning. I've actually been applying for other jobs so hopefully i will find something else soon. I only need to give one weeks notice.

izzyizin Mon 15-Oct-12 23:02:55

If your certificate is for a 2 week period commencing Friday 12 October, your employer should not be expecting you back at work any earlier than Saturday 27 October.

I suggest you make a call to the Community Legal Advice Line on 0845 345 4345
or to the Pay&Rights Helpline as before, and then have a good a rest.

littlemissangrypants Mon 15-Oct-12 22:37:14

sorry to come back to this but have been in to work today and they ordered me to go to doctor on friday and they expect me back at work on saturday from what i can work out. That would mean i've only had 8 days off sick on a two week sick note. I'm not even sure if i would be covered by insurance. Wish they had just sacked me. Instead they said they thought i was not up to the job. I think they wanted me to quit. I guess i will be getting in contact with citizens advice after all. wish i could have had at least a week of rest before i have to sort it all out

Doha Fri 12-Oct-12 11:55:10

Why would you be sacked for going off on certified sick leave? Employers cannot do that.
However if they sack you you can claim benefits as you have not walked out of a job but forcebly stopped.
Please stop payimg your ex to look ater his own kids, He should be paying you via CSA,
In fact you dont need him for at least the nesxt 2 weeks so unless he wants to see them and not get paid tell your ex that HE is sacked

izzyizin Fri 12-Oct-12 11:45:51

Do you have a contract of employment? Who is shown as your employer and when did you begin working for them?

littlemissangrypants Fri 12-Oct-12 11:31:15

Just to let you know i have been to the doctor. He signed me off sick for two weeks. Just waiting for call from work to let me know i've been sacked. Thank you all so much for your help

CrikeyOHare Thu 11-Oct-12 14:58:24

the job centre that i would not be entitled to any money if i quit my job.

Then the job centre told you wrong. Please, please will you go to CAB. You need to know exactly where you stand. You cannot make the right decision for you & your boys if you have the wrong information, can you?

Your life doesn't have to be like this. Honestly smile

izzyizin Thu 11-Oct-12 14:55:41

There's no way I would trust anything A4E says and as for the job centre, without knowing more about your circumstsnces, I can't give an informed opinion but, given that you have dc, I consider it highly unlikely that you are not entitled to benefits and, in fact, give your heart condition it sounds as if you may be entitled to DLA. In any event, IMO entitlement to benefits decisions are made to be appealed smile

Please give the Pay & Rights freephone helpline a call and come back with what they tell you.

littlemissangrypants Thu 11-Oct-12 14:48:14

I'm pretty sure i couldn't stop my partner from coming with me to doctor. He is very worried. He is trying to sort things out for me and with me so i can manage this. I was told by A4E and the job centre that i would not be entitled to any money if i quit my job. No money at all.
It's all very scary and just too much to deal with. I love the people i work with (people with learning disabilites) but the management are useless. I had got to the point where i would go on shift in tears hoping i would have a stroke or serious accident just to get a break. The stroke thing is not a joke as my heart condition often leads to having a stroke. I realise that this can't continue. I just feel totally broken by it all

izzyizin Thu 11-Oct-12 14:40:41

Who told you that you won't be entitled to benefits if you quit this job, honey?

Can your dp see the doctor with you so that he can say how close he was to calling an ambulance because of how you were last night?

Please don't think about returning to work in the same job unless the hours you're required to work are child-friendly and/or suit your needs rather than the greed need of A4E to turn a profit off your back.

littlemissangrypants Thu 11-Oct-12 14:34:16

Oh and to clarely my kids are with my partner when i'm working. My ex (their dad) only has them on tuesday7.30-9pm and sunday 10am - 4pm. That normally costs me £20 a time.
The only other thing i need to make clear is that without my partner i wouldn't be able to cope at all. I don't think either of us knew how close to the edge i was last night. He really is a wonderful man. Just a little scared of taking me and the kids on full time. He got me through last night and he kept my boys calm. I need to fix myself (probably with his help) so i can be a good mum to my boys. I know he will help me with that

wilderumpus Thu 11-Oct-12 14:29:45

ooooh! good luck OP! don't be bullied by fecking A4E. you have had some lovely advice, head to CAB they'll see you straight.

littlemissangrypants Thu 11-Oct-12 14:22:05

thank you for all the messages. Sorry i didn't reply but i almost lost my mind last night. I'm not really sure what happend but my partner said that he was close to calling an ambulance for me. I am going to get an appointment with doctor tomorrow and going to try and sort out my hours. My partner will help with this.
I think last night was the wake up call we all needed. I'm pretty sure i'm close to having a nervous breakdaown. My partner had me take sleeping tablets and i slept until midday. He wont let me do anything now and is looking after me. It's so scary how in the space of a few months this job has almost cost me my kids, my relationship, my house and my sanity. I need help but hopefully i will get some now

izzyizin Thu 11-Oct-12 12:44:47

If you google A4£ you'll get the bigger picture, springy, and it's a somewhat depressing tale of the unacceptable face of capitalism our times.

springyhope Thu 11-Oct-12 12:10:55

Thanks for the link izzy. OP I hope you've found the strength to stop this hideous merry go round and have stepped off for the time being. Take things a day at a time. Nothing is worth losing your kids over, certainly not a job. Take care xx

izzyizin Thu 11-Oct-12 12:07:12

Have you been to see your GP this morning and got yourself signed off sick, honey?

If not, call your employers and tell them you're too unwell to work and make an appointment to see you doctor later today/tomorrow/Monday.

I hope you'll come back here as I'm concerned that you may be being exploited by A4E which is far from being a charitable intitution with a social ethos - it's a private company which is in business to make a profit from the unemployed.

izzyizin Thu 11-Oct-12 00:59:49

Read about A4E here, springy: and, in particular, click on the 'back to work schemes' link that's highlighted in the article.

springyhope Thu 11-Oct-12 00:16:35

No wonder you're going nuts if you're working insane hours, not getting any sleep and not eating.

I think you are going nuts and you're not thinking straight. Go off sick as the others are saying, get some sleep and then get on to the agencies mentioned upthread.

Bless you, you're exhausted and going off your head with it ((hug))

don't give up your boys . I don't know who A4E are but I wonder if a journalist somewhere may be interested in your story...

But see to all of that when you've had some sleep. Your ex sounds like he's a waste of space - pay for him to babysit his own kids ??? fuck that - they're his kids and he should be paying you not the other way around.

anyway, get some sleep and get into a normal rhythm before you tackle all this stuff. I suggest you sleep for a week (overnight I mean) and then the following week start tackling things bit by bit.

we're here for you. YOu're not a machine ((another hug))

izzyizin Thu 11-Oct-12 00:01:51

Go sick and get Pay&Rights onto 4AE - they're long overdue to have their collar felt by a government agency appear before a parliamentary commission.

Who's told you your benefits will be stopped if you leave this job? Are you getting minimum wage? Do you have a contract of employment - if so, what are your official hours as shown on your contract and are you paid overtime for hours worked in excess of those shown?

Offred Wed 10-Oct-12 23:51:12

With children under 16 you are legally entitled to flexible working. Fuck a4e try calling ACAS to sort out your working hours.

lostpigeon Wed 10-Oct-12 23:27:12

you can opt in/out whenever you want of the 48 hour thing whenever you want

coolmango Wed 10-Oct-12 23:20:53

Take a deep breath and focus on what you can change.

Can you work part time / reduced hours. If your wage is lower Benefits may be able to top up housing and support. I would also speak to tax credits and see if you could still manage financially with fewer hours. CAB may be best for this as they deal with it as a whole instead of individual departments.

I can believe your EX has asked you for money for babysitting HIS OWN children as I have had something similar lately. You need to refuse this and either pay a neighbour or ideally an ofsted childminder, ( tax credits will then cover around 70% of childcare).

I would also look at getting another job with better hours, preferably within the company you work, but if not, what the hell come first. I know I have taken many minimum wage jobs just so I can make the kids dinner etc..

As I said you could reduce hours, (I know this means wage), but still get a top up from Tax credits, DSS, and even if you own your own home you can occasionally get the interest paid on your mortgage.

If none of these are acceptable options and your DP is good with your kids then stop beating yourself up about providing food on the table and a nice home to live in. Once they are older and have kids of their own they will appreciate it.

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