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Does anyone else have no/hardly any close family?

(24 Posts)
Whistlingwaves Wed 10-Oct-12 18:32:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flyoverthegoldenhill Wed 10-Oct-12 18:50:02

It won't always be this way, and today is bad because of the funeral. It feels like you have lost everything, but you haven't. Surround yourself with some good friends. I hope things start to look up soon thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 10-Oct-12 19:29:12

I have a really small close family. On my father's side there were no brothers or sisters so no cousins etc. On my mother's side they're all nutters 'challenging' people far too wrapped up in staying out of prison their own business to remember I exist. I have one brother who isn't great at keeping in touch but I've never really seen this small family as a handicap except when comparing Easter Egg hauls with other kids. Instead I go all out to create my own tight circle of friends. After all, you can choose your friends... you can't choose your family.

Whistlingwaves Wed 10-Oct-12 19:34:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffyraggies Wed 10-Oct-12 19:37:38

Aw thanks How old is your DD whistling?

You don't need a big extended family to feel loved and held dear.

I'm an only child. My mum AND my dad were only children too. My kids dad and their parents and family are uninterested in contact. So all our extended family is on my side and spread across the world or are pretty old and infirm.

But we 5 are a close family and the bonds that we do have are strong. Good close friends are like family too smile

StandYourGround Wed 10-Oct-12 19:39:41

Honey, my dd has only me and dh!

No grandparents, at all.

It must feel awful because of the funeral. It's such a pity that the relatives you do have didn't take the oppurtunity to get to know your dd.

My dd has 'adopted' my young, female workmates instead! She draws them pictures and occasionally visits me at work (shop) and gets made a fuss of.

Take what you got and make a meal the best of it! smile

fluffyraggies Wed 10-Oct-12 19:39:46

X posts there. How long have you lived where you are OP? It took me ages to fit into village life. Still feel a bit like an outsider after more than 10 years confused

ijustwanttobeme Wed 10-Oct-12 19:48:07

I have no cousins, as mum was an only child and dad, having lost both parents by early teens was sent to England ( from India) . I do have a brother who lives in the States and unfortunately has fallen out with my parents. As I haven't, he only contacts me once or twice a year by email, as he thinks I will talk about him and his family to my parents.

DP is one of 7, but is not close to any of his siblings. We have never in the 20 years we've been together ever gone for a meal with any of them. Although tbf we may meet at bigger family occasions.

Our 2DCs know they have cousins but unless we're at aforementioned function, we'd never see them. It doesn't help that as this is DPs second time around, their cousins are late 20's early 30's.

Doha Wed 10-Oct-12 19:49:18

I know you are close to your parents and your DD is lucky to have them. However l remember on the TV a while back there was someone who put in an advert for "grandparents" for their DC as thet had none.
I am sure there are people out there who would love to be included in your DD's life.
How old is she?

UsingAPsuedonym Wed 10-Oct-12 19:52:46

Oh I'd love some. Grandparents for my dc. In laws live in Australia and aren't interested. My parents aren't really in touch with me. I've often thought there must be elderly people nearby that would love a child to spoil .there should be. A matching service!!

ijustwanttobeme Wed 10-Oct-12 19:53:25

Pressed post too early.

When DP and I properly got together I thought, yes some family! ( have other Ishoos relating to being fostered first five years of my life), but it hasn't turned out that way.

I am used to it being just us now, but do sometimes friends who have close family who seem to be in and out of their houses etc.

hatesponge Wed 10-Oct-12 19:56:52

My grandparents died when I was a young child, my parents when I was in my early 20s. I am also an only child. My DS1 has never met his dad, nor any of his family - so he really only has me.

He and DS2 do see DS2s dad regularly, and his parents, but none of the wider family.

Whistlingwaves Wed 10-Oct-12 20:06:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RockinD Wed 10-Oct-12 21:14:44

My DM was an only child, my DF had one brother who died young. I only knew one of my grandparents and I have never met my two cousins who are much older than me.

I do family history, so I have hundreds of relatives in my files and I was quite happy with this until DD1 got married recently and everyone on her side of the church except me was from XH's family.

I'd never really thought about it before, and am still coming to terms with it.

Whistlingwaves Wed 10-Oct-12 21:33:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doha Wed 10-Oct-12 21:36:01

where do you live Whistling?

frecklyspeckly Wed 10-Oct-12 21:57:01

We don't really have anyone much. My mumand dad live a distance away and we have a dysfunctional relationship. They dote on my brothers kids cos they are on the doorstep but see mine twice a year. Now my ds is ten he is noticing the rejection himself and that is awful to watch. He spent days making pictures for his grandad as a present when he came down and then hours before they cancelled and he sobbed his heart out and said 'you have them mum, grandad doesn't deserve them.' That was a real low point. Felt like i had failed him personally by surrounding him with let down family members. He has had to learn to be disappointed and expect rejection from them. sad and he and dd are beautiful and its so unfair.
My brother and his wife are people who have pushed us out the family. My in laws are dead. My sister in law, who was a wonderful kind lady, also died suddenly this year. And then my other sister in law whom we also are close to moved away shortly afterwards. Been very low since an incident this summer when we tried to engage my parents more in dc's lives and were utterly rejected. I am trying to concentrate on what my dc's do have - us, that is, me and dh, eachother, and the friends we have made in the village. It is hard. I often think of how close i was to my own gp's and feel overwhelmingly sorry for the children. However I can promise you you aren't alone in feeling this way.

frecklyspeckly Wed 10-Oct-12 22:03:22

and also whistlingwaves I am truly sorry for your and dd's loss and I agree with everything flyoverthegolden hill has said (and others) bless you XXX

UnlikelyAmazonian Wed 10-Oct-12 22:03:25

I've got no family.

Ds has only me.

But I am truly amazing and superb and so are my friends.

eslteacher Wed 10-Oct-12 22:13:19

I'm really sorry to hear about your Granddad dying, and I can imagine what a blow it must have been on more than one level :-(. I'm sure you and your DD get through this together though.

Both DP and I are only children, and we each have a parent who is also an only child. So our families are already small. If/when we have children together, they will have no aunts, uncles or cousins, which makes me feel sad sometimes.

I somtimes feel sorry for myself for missing out on a big, bustling family. But sometimes family come from unexpected places. DP already has a DS from his previous relationship, so I have in effect become a stepmother. And because we are on excellent terms with DP's ex and her partner, we often have big family events together, like DSS's birthday, Easter or pre-Christmas celebrations. I would never have guessed that I would like being part of a blended family so much, but I really do. I love seeing all the step/half siblings running round together, I love the way that I have been welcomed into this whole mess of complicated-yet-simpleness. I get on with DP's ex's mother better than I do with my own MIL!

So what I'm trying to say is, you can't suddenly create biological family members out of nowhere, your blood family is what it is. But who knows when other surrogate/blended family type figures will come into your DD's life. When they do, she will appreciate them all the more. Look how many people on these very boards post every day about insurmountable problems with their toxic blood relatives...they're not all good all the time!

On another note: perhaps you and your DD have a special bond, through being such singularly important figures in each other's lives? Have you watched the TV series Gilmore Girls? Very inspiring for celebrating the mother/daughter bond is, especially in single parent families. Your DD is so lucky to have you, who obviously loves her and cares about her so much! That's worth more than anything.

kiwigirl42 Wed 10-Oct-12 22:16:35

Its a really hard situation. I have no family who are interested in DS - luckily he has a grandma and 1 cousin who adore him but both his Aunts and Uncles treat him as he does not exist, they all live less than a mile away for gods sake. But its their loss as he is a great kid. I than god for my wonderful MIL every day as she is the best grandma to him.

But it does make me sad and resentful, i admit.

sweetkitty Wed 10-Oct-12 22:24:50

We only have my Dad, my SIL and my brother, the DCs see them about once every 2 months. so not particularly close.

But our little family of 6 are very close.

CailinDana Wed 10-Oct-12 22:26:24

I have 23 aunts and uncles and over 50 cousins. I saw them a fair bit when we were younger, but now that I'm an adult I might see them once a year, if that, as I live in a different country. I can't say they added a huge amount to my life. I saw my mother's side of the family most often and they are incredibly dysfunctional. All I remember from family gatherings was feeling horribly uncomfortable and wondering when the next mocking/snide/inappropriate remark would come my way. Long and short of it is, a big family isn't automatically a blessing.

My DS hasn't much in the way of extended family and I prefer it that way, given my experience. The thing with family is that you feel obligated to see them, and end up putting up with shit that you would never put up with from friends. They have the capacity to judge you and hurt you in a way people not related to you don't really have. IMO it's far better to have a small family and work on having great friends than to be embroiled in a shitty family like mine. In an ideal world I wouldn't see my parents or older sister ever again - they are just a complete chore - but the stress it would take to bring that about, and the effect it would have on my younger sister, are not worth it. So I am forced to see and talk to fuckwits for the rest of mine or their days. Not a great situation, but one I can manage.

Sorry about the diatribe, I'm not sure it helps. I understand your feelings completely but it's worth remembering that family can be a burden and a curse rather than a blessing.

lowercase Wed 10-Oct-12 22:53:15

when it was just me and dd i remember watching a Barney (the purple dinosaur) dvd, singing about families...i used to say to DD we had the smallest family possible! a family of two.
the song said, a family is people and a family is love, thats a family, something something something something, mines just right for me, yeah! mines just right for me!

all dd needs is for you to love her unconditionally, if you love each other, there is no lack.

a large loving family and support and all that is great if you have it, but if you dont, you can still pass on traditions, have ancestors and history, and are part of the family that is human beans!

i dont mean to minimise anything that you are going through, i went through it, and made some silly descisions because of it, now a single mother of two children, still no family!...have reached the other side, look beyond what others have, and cherish what i have.
i expect grandad thought your family was just fine as it is.
like the other posters on here have implied, YOU ARE ENOUGH.
really!

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