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Is he having an affair? Or am I mad? Is it normal?

(69 Posts)
applesandpies Wed 10-Oct-12 15:59:40

I have name changed for this as a few people on here know me in rl. Dh and I have been married for 6 years, 2 dc. Our sex life has been quiet but mainly due to 2 dc under 5. Dc works very long hours and gets home late when working, about midnight. It's always been like this.

Before summer I noticed he was starting to go out after work found not one home til 3-4 in the morning, 2-3 times a week. He said it was business. We went on holiday and he only slept with me twice, preffering to watch tv instead and not come to bed til I was asleep. I moaned about it and he said he fell asleep in front of the telly. He said I was mad to think he was having an affair and he was really insulted.

We have had sex once since beginning of sept and last night he sneaked offs to bed without telling me. I got in and began to cuddle him etc. he asked for a bj and I said no as he hadn't showered- he use to when he got home all the time but stopped ages ago. We started to have sex instead, but he stopped before coming and said he was too tired. He fell asleep. I feel totally humiliated- this as never happened to me or us. He asked me what was wrong today as I am too embarressed to look at him or discuss it as I feel so unwanted and ugly.

When I think of all the other things I wonder if he s having an affair. I found he had been looking at a porn site of pictures and a escort website a few weeks ago but didnt mention it as I feel so inadequate.

He says he has to work on sat, but I don't know if I believe him. It's the way he told me, kind of asking.

Advice needed please..

greeneyed Wed 10-Oct-12 16:04:02

I can't answer the first bit, I'd say it's not normal and you are definitely not mad! - something is up. I'm sure some more knowledgeable folks will come along to help you with a course of action - but i repeat you are not mad!! and you are not ugly and inadequate.

Idohaveoneofthese Wed 10-Oct-12 16:09:27

What does he say has prompted the going out 2-3 times a week? Most working people can't cope with that kind of social life.

MTBMummy Wed 10-Oct-12 16:09:57

No real advice - but here to offer hand holding

Something doesn't sound right, but that's just my opinion, I don't think you're mad (or inadequate or ugly for that matter)

KirstyWirsty Wed 10-Oct-12 16:11:16

Trust your gut .. If you feel something is wrong it probably is

MouMouCow Wed 10-Oct-12 16:23:05

Why don't you ask him and tell him at the same time how you feel? If he's out on Saturday can he come home a bit earlier on Friday and you can have that essential discussion? It's not really MN you need to open to but your DH....
I'm not surprised the sex is out the window if the communication is gone... They usually go hand in hand!

applesandpies Wed 10-Oct-12 17:06:22

Ido- it was networking to look for another job.

Monmou, I feel very low at him doing that last night, it really bothers me. Is it usual? I don't feel able to talk to him as he will laugh at me and tell me I am being stupid but I don't feel easy about having sex now.

He denied the porn but looked horrified I knew. Didn't mention the escort site.

hoopieghirl Wed 10-Oct-12 17:28:27

You do really need to sit down and have a chat something does seem slightly odd about his behaviour. Trust your instinct its probably right

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 10-Oct-12 17:55:51

Sorry to say this but on the last holiday I went on with my ex he didn't come to bed until very, very late because he was sat up in the hotel lobby, drinking scotch and telephoning his OW. confused He also liked disappearing after work but that was usually drinking with his buddies... not even he would have been out until 3 or 4am. The only place open at that hour are casinos, night-clubs etc.

Your DH is not acting normally. The no sex, the odd hours, the bizarre behaviour on holiday. Something's drawing his attention away from you and whether that's an OW, a sex chat-line, a massive gambling habit or something else, he owes you an explanation. Sit him down and have a serious chat. Don't be fobbed off. If he laughs at you or starts to get nasty, you'll know you've hit a nerve.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 10-Oct-12 18:00:42

"works very long hours and gets home late when working, about midnight"

Is his job one where staff are normally expected to work until midnight? Shift-work? Service industry? Taxi driver? Or are you saying that his type of work is more normal office hours and he just absents himself from the family for the rest of the evening?

carmenelectra Wed 10-Oct-12 19:21:55

Massive alarm bells would be ringing for me.

What kind of jobs means he works so late and goes out after!

Porn well no big deal to me alongside our sex life,but a big deal INSTEAD of.

Escort sites, total dealbreaker. I would confront asap. Could it be he is shagging prossies, hence his shock at affair suggestion. Many men don't consider prostitutes as bad.

Something isn't right and there are lots of iSsues going on here.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Oct-12 07:42:25

"He says he has to work on sat, but I don't know if I believe him. It's the way he told me, kind of asking. "

Is this the usual way he does things? 'Announcing' rather than discussing or talking to you politely? I'm struck that, throughout your post, you sound rather cowed by any interactions with him. You think he will laugh at you and tell you you're stupid, for example. He said you were 'mad' to think something was going on. You say you feel too 'inadequate' to tackle him about discovering the escort sites. If this is the normal way you relate to each other.... him doing as he pleases, being where he pleases, not taking you into account or taking your views seriously, and you too worried to say anything.... then that would explain why you are so lacking in confidence. I think you are being bullied.

Springhasarrived Thu 11-Oct-12 08:19:57

OP this is exactly the same behaviour I put up with for 2 years. I could have written that post 2 years ago right down to the "kind of asking" bit. I tried to make excuses for it in my head - porn, work,stress, ageing etc etc. Finally I found out he was virtually leading a double life not just having an affair.

Really sorry but wanted to post this so you dont let it go on for far too long like I did. He will deny deny. It took some real digging for me to get enough proof that he couldnt deny it any longer. Be strong. I would write more but got to dash.

applesandpies Thu 11-Oct-12 10:03:41

He works in the hotel industry and has to be there in the day and evenings, it's always been his job. I knew it would be difficult when I married him but it's always been ok apart from having to manage to dcs alone mostly. I don't have to work which has made it easier.

When I question him he gets annoyed and says he is working hard and late for the family. He has been so different over the last few months though. At one point I thought he was spending his breaks somewhere else as he said he had no break but was uncontactable. He said I was crazy but he stopped.

He normally just tells me what is happening as it comes under wrk, ie I have no say. He sometimes tells me to not wait up for him, but then I know he will be very late, or he takes his keys.

If I ask about sex he says I am always tired and I don't make an effort but I don't feel like doing it if I think he is comparing me iykwim. I had a bf years ago who had ow and it was just like this, which is why I am worried now. It's horrible really. He asked if I was ok and seems to think there was nothing wrong with stopping during sex and saying he was too tired.

Even if I looked at his phone it would tell me nothing as he gets so many calls a day, plus he never uses text.

I am going to ask tonight anyway, he said he will be home early.

aftereight Thu 11-Oct-12 10:17:38

He's too tired to finish having sex, but not too tired to stay out regularly until 3/4am?
Really sorry, but what you said about his break times makes (on top of everything else) it sound like he has an OW who could well be a colleague.
I'm so sorry, I don't have any advice, except to stop feeling bad about confronting him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Oct-12 10:19:23

I think, sadly, you're right to be suspicious. He sounds evasive at best, dismissive at worst. Accusing you of not making an effort with sex is not the kind of thing any loving husband should be saying. Distant on holiday. 'Uncontactable' when working in a hotel? (Is that even possible) Defensive when challenged. Escort services and porn? As isolated incidents maybe you'd let them go but, taken as a whole, it doesn't look good at all.

I'm never a fan of snooping on partners but I think it would be quite easy to cross-reference some of this stuff with a few simple phone-calls when he's on these 'uncontactable' breaks or claiming to be working long hours, for example.

defineme Thu 11-Oct-12 10:22:05

Looking at an escort agency -that's going from fantasy(ie looking at porn) to reality. I'd be thinking very seriously about the future of this marriage.
Do you have any good times?

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 11-Oct-12 10:27:10

Sorry it does not look good at all.

Always trust your instincts and these are telling you he has checked out of the marriage and is occupied elsewhere.

Be warned that confronting him is likely to end up with him denying everything. You may need to be prepared to ask him to give you space and time to consider your marriage given the crap sex, distant behaviour, the porn and the escort agencies.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Oct-12 10:31:54

BTW... the instruction 'don't wait up'. Would I be right in thinking that he only ever calls you from work but doesn't like you calling him there? I know someone, you see, who works unsociable hours and is away from home but calls his DW every night at 9pm, just to see how she is and let her know he's OK .... usually from his car outside his OW's house. shock

applesandpies Thu 11-Oct-12 10:35:03

Good times. That made me think. Not much tbh. He is too tired to take ds to footie at weekends and ds plays him up so he says it's better I do it. It all depends what I organise really, he hasnt time himself with the hours.

I knw he will say its all rubbish, but he will then go to the gym, come back and sit in front of the tv til he falls asleep. If I say come to bed what if he says no?

Not sure how to find anything out anyway . He goes to see suppliers etc so has so many excuses for not being there. All I can do is tell him what I suspect and see what he says. He made me apologise last time I asked if he up to anything though. He was so angry I even thought that, but he used to want it all t time. I am a lot bigger now, and I do complain a lot as he doesn't help with the dc's it's like having a lodger around tbh.

applesandpies Thu 11-Oct-12 10:37:06

He only calls on mobile and I only call his mobile. He is never at his desk, always somewhere in the hotel.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 11-Oct-12 10:39:09

The angry defensiveness is very telling.

As I have said, you do not have to put up with being married to this man - you do not need "evidence".

Seth Thu 11-Oct-12 10:41:50


Sorry to say everything you describe that is happening to you is word for word what happened to me before my then H left.

It was all of that behaviour that prompted me to start checking his phone.I found a text saved in drafts that had a mans name but clearly not meant for a man. I confronted him and yes, like others got the fob offs 'your paranoia is going to break this marriage up in the end' etc so make sure you are prepared for this, and denials. You don't mention his phone but his sudden protective nature of his was one of the just telling signs-has this changed?

Sorry you are going through this.The angst and stomach churning that you may be going through is awful.I hope you get to the bottom of it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Oct-12 10:45:28

Mobiles can be deceptive because, like the person I know, they can say they are in one place and be somewhere entirely different. Try a landline call to his office... easy to fudge a 'sorry, his mobile must be out of range, do you know where I could find him?' type story. Then see if what they say tallies with what he tells you when you speak on the mobile.

Rather than telling him 'what you suspect' in the meantime just set out the things you're not happy with. The preference for gyms over interacting with the children, the 3am things, falling asleep in front of the TV, the escort service/porn sites.... the emotional distance. Those are all legitimate problems that need discussing whatever else is going on.

KirstyWirsty Thu 11-Oct-12 12:45:25

Yes Cogito My STBXH was supposed to be on training in the Sottish Borders but was actually on a mini break in Perthshire ..

Apples I needed to get proof but it sounds like you are not happy with a lot of things - quite often people on here have advised making out you know what is going on and then let them fill the gaps - perhaps you could try that?

Sorry you are going through this - it is horrible but you will come out the other side a happier person .. about 13 stone lighter as well smile

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