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He's obsessed with sex...

(417 Posts)
Littleblue Wed 10-Oct-12 11:27:22

We have been dating six months , and they have largely been the happiest ever for me , except for his obsession with sex.... he takes it as rejection if I turn him down , and mostly manages to get over it.... but I turned him down last night , I was tired and stressed and not in the mood , (and his expectation is a huge turn off anyway)We were snuggled up , and he kept groping me which I was fending off but gently , to me it should be clear by then?! so he turns my face to his and insists on proper tongue snogging , which I had been evading... I HATE snogging if i'm not in the mood for sex.. I'm not frigid , when were both in the right mood the sex is incredible....he seems to think that because thats the case , we should ALWAYS be at it... so pissed off ,he turned his back on me last night, he's clearly sulking today...angry

Littleblue Wed 10-Oct-12 12:05:24

Not possessive , no... He cooked up a huge deal about me being selfish and inconsiderate when he had missed me so badly when I went away with my kids... despite me going straight to his from the airport... He admitted hand on heart when THAT blew that he needed to grow up and not behave like a moron..

fatfingers Wed 10-Oct-12 12:06:29

Sounds like you have different sex drives. Tbh, I don't think its unreasonable to want sex twice a week (if you only get to spend time together at weekends) but it does seem like instead of discussing this like an adult, he resorts to grabbing and groping you like a teenager which is making matters worse.

However, I have been in a relationship where dp didn't want sex as often as me and it was hurtful that, even though we only spent time together at weekends, he didn't always want to have sex with me so I can see your dp's pov on that issue.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 10-Oct-12 12:08:41

Selfish because you for went away with your kids?! That is possessive! Jealous of you spending time with your kids!

His reaction is designed to make you think twice about doing that again in case it gets the same reaction.

He sounds like the two abusive relationships i was in one which became violent. It doesn't get better.

Offred Wed 10-Oct-12 12:09:23

I don't think it is about different sex drives either. Having different sex drives doesn't make you sexually assault your partner and then sulk because you failed to actually rape them!!

Littleblue Wed 10-Oct-12 12:10:39

We spend most of our weekends in bed tbh... ALOT of sex usually , and one night a week he comes here , which is when im far less I have a teenage daughter in the next room....etc , plus I dont want to snog when anyone can just wander in at any second... we arent teenagers no !

Littleblue Wed 10-Oct-12 12:11:52

No , selfish cos I was knackered and unresponsive/stressed when I got home... nothing to do with going away , It was my lack of bloody bells and whistles on being reunited...

mrsfuzzy Wed 10-Oct-12 12:12:42

HE IS A POTENTIAL RAPIST are you getting the message yet? we don't know him but from what you say and having now read all the posts from #1 we think are trying to get a serious message over to you, please listen for your sake and the kids, you say you love him to bits, your ex treated you badly, don't let it happen again i think your post would ring alarm bells with any woman.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 10-Oct-12 12:13:57

I'm sorry but the more you describe him, the more I dislike him. Using guilt-tripping to control you, the sexually abusive/inconsiderate behaviour, the 'poor me' crap, tendency to obsess, weaselly apologies for being a 'cretin' .... You're only six months into this relationship which is the stage when people are usually still on their very best behaviour. In other words, this is as well-behaved as he gets. The more comfortable he gets in the relationship, the more he'll think he's entitled to keep groping and harassing you. I don't think that's how 'friends' should treat each other.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 10-Oct-12 12:14:13

Oh i see! Unresponsive sexually or just not jumping up and down with excitement to see him?

Viviennemary Wed 10-Oct-12 12:16:42

You are clearly not in the least bit suited. He sounds insensitive and selfish to say the least. And it's doubtful if he will improve. He'll get worse. That would be my opinion. And don't want to be too blunt but if you find weekends with him hugely irritating what would it be like if you were living with him all week. It's really a bit of an impossible situation.

Littleblue Wed 10-Oct-12 12:16:43

I am hearing you , yes.. and I would likely say the same to anyone in the same situation , apart from this he is a very gentle empathic man... he would never force himself on me physically past the forced kissing stuff , he wouldnt dare apart from anything else , but the sulking stuff is coercion , which is also sexually aggressive... I know this , I lived with the master of it for long enough..and he DID rape me... Perhaps because the contrast between personalities re the DV exe and him has muddied the waters regarding the inherently emotional abusive behaviours...

LadyInDisguise Wed 10-Oct-12 12:18:25

The only thing you have know just right now is that it is NORMAL not want to be fondled every five minutes. It is normal that you expect him to stop when you rejected his advances. It is normal to say NO to seconds if you don't feel like it and it would normal if it was the first time in the day too.

There is NOTHING in your reaction or expectations that isn't normal at all.

His attitude though isn't normal or not to accepted.

mrsfuzzy Wed 10-Oct-12 12:19:42

i don't want to sound selfish, but either stop making excuses for this piece of scum and dump him or stop whinging about him . okay eveyone hates me now, yes, get over it, think about what you want to do then work to make that change, you are only having one life don't get drag into the gutter by this moron.

LadyInDisguise Wed 10-Oct-12 12:20:39

little, don't try and compare his behaviour with the one of your ex.
It's not because he is better in a lot of other ways that yu should accept any of this.
This is not acceptable either.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 10-Oct-12 12:25:10

I went from one abusive ex to the next thinking that the second one was completely different. It soon became clear that most of the behaviours were the same, the jealousy, isolating me from family and friends, sulking if i spoke to a man, controlling behaviour, trying to stop me going out, telling me that other people didn't like me etc etc. I realised some time later that they both did a few things the other didn't but they also ticked way too many of the same boxes, the important ones.

So they were the same sort of personality just presented in slightly different ways.

Littleblue Wed 10-Oct-12 12:25:26

I'm not whingeing about him as such , lol.. I'm trying to get a general perspective from other women who don't know either of us or our histories...and his attitude stinks , I had hoped all the talking we did before had put it to bed..he is a HUGELY intelligent man , with a bad case of arrested development in his emotions....He is likely to be keeping very quiet so he doesn't go off on one , he knows he will lose me if he does... but ignoring the message is a huge mistake

piratecat Wed 10-Oct-12 12:26:33

there you go.

he forced snogs on you, you said no , he's sulking. you've sent him a romantic card.

you've taken it down. he's already seen it now so damage is done.

he 'won'

blackcurrants Wed 10-Oct-12 12:26:35

littleblue you're saying he wouldn't force himself on your physically, but in the next sentence you say apart from 'the forced kissing stuff' - he DOES force himself on you physically. FFS, what is grabbing your breasts randomly in the middle of the day?

Sheesh, it sounds like living with a randy dog. Does he hump your leg when the vicar comes over for tea? grin

Listen, he doesn't have to be using his penis to be overriding your physical and emotional boundries with his enormous, all-important 'needs' and squashing your sense of autonomy, and your right to a silent 'no.' He shouldn't be forcing you to say "STOP IT" out loud or fight him off. He should be looking for a 'yes' and if he doesn't get one, backing the fuck off!

ARGH men like this are so tiring. You're never right unless you're shagging them - it's either waaaaah, my feeeeelings, why don't you want more sex with meeee? Or it's waaaah, my peeeenis, it's going to get bored and wander off of its' own accord.

He doesn't respect you. Sorry. He really doesn't. His behaviour and attitude are NOT normal and, frankly, sound like a pain in the bum. I stopped going out with men like this in my very early 20s (in fact he sounds like a teen boyfriend who was trying out the 'if you really loved me you'd do it' line when I wasn't ready) ... and I've never looked back. Find someone nicer, really, really you don't need this shit.

piratecat Wed 10-Oct-12 12:27:35

ignoring the message wasn't a mistake unless you pull him up on it.

ignoring the message was using his power again.

Littleblue Wed 10-Oct-12 12:28:55

I know all the DV behaviours... only too well , its ONLY his attachment to having sex to feel loved that is ringing bells , as soon as he feels rejected , pandoras box opens and he starts seeing other negatives which arent there... Im very steady as a person , but I lost it with him bigtime before... told him in no uncertain terms that all that crap had nothing to do with me... and I wasn't owning one jot of it... but I am aren't I , hence asking him if he's ok , its me slipping into co dependent type behaviours again...

Littleblue Wed 10-Oct-12 12:31:44

You are right... I knew it , despite the self denial.. Its nothing I didn't know already , and would say to ANYONE else.. and HAVE ! sad

blackcurrants Wed 10-Oct-12 12:34:09

och, littleblue, it's so hard.

but you do know you deserve better. You certainly don't deserve this.

solidgoldbrass Wed 10-Oct-12 12:36:27

Sorry Littleblue but you've made a mistake that nearly all women who have had one abusive partner subsequently make - you've picked another fucknugget, just a different type of fucknugget. Someone, somewhere, convinced you at some point that it's a terrible, shameful thing for a woman to be single, so you've absorbed the idea that if he isn't actually kicking you round the kitchen every night, then he's a Good Man. THis one's not. THis one's a rapist-in-training (and probably in fact, this sort of non-stop clutching and slobbering and rubbing the clammy end of his knob all over you is not behaviour that springs out of nowwhere; I expect there are several women in his past who wonder from time to time whether they should have reported an 'unwanted insertion' or a sleepless night at the end of which they went, oh just get it over with...)

Throw this one back. Tell him the relationship isn't working for you, return any belongings of his that are in your house and instruct him not to make any further contact with you. I'm afraid there is a reasonable chance that you will have to involve the police at least once to make him fuck off, but it's probably going to be more tiresome than dangerous.

Then promise yourself that you will avoid men and dating and sex for at least a year while you work on your self-esteem, boundaries and on re-tuning your knob radar. Best of luck.

LadyInDisguise Wed 10-Oct-12 12:37:40

Little I think you should be listening to yourself. You have a little voice in your head that is VERY wise.
Listen to that voice. It is right. None of this has anything to do with you. It's all about him and his issues.

You knew that a few weeks/months ago but he has managed to 'prove' you that it's not the case. And in that time, has also managed to convince you that in some ways, you hold some of the responsibility.
You are NOT.

remember also that being steady doesn't mean not responding and staying calm even when your DP is talking/behaving shit. It's about being able to express your needs in a calm and reasonable way and not to take NO for an answer when he is not respecting your boundaries.

piratecat Wed 10-Oct-12 12:43:05

blue, we all do it, we 'know it' but we make excuses. doesn't make us crap. nothing wrong with giving people a chance. it's just realising it, then acting on it.

then sticking to it. x

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