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Why cant I just let him go?

(17 Posts)
MrsVandekamp Tue 09-Oct-12 22:15:03

Have Been separated for 10 weeks now. I feel so sad.

'D'H was a shit husband towards the end, but that?s not what is in my head, all I can think about is the good times, and how sad I am that its ended up like this - he?s ended up like this.

We have 2 DCs, and I never believed he would leave them.

Things have gone to rat shit the last few years, money worries, shift work, DH new business stresses, kids, etc. Nothing really unusual. Except he choose to detach, its classic really, going out until all hours, wanting to go to the pub after work, spending money on himself when we were skint, Facebook messages which made me uncomfortable, lots of lying about where he was which resulted in me being snappy at him for leaving me to deal with the grown up stuff and finally an emotional affair with a woman I don't know.

He is living with her now. He was texting her morning noon and night, all the usual stuff, nothing sexual, just sharing his head space with her. He admits this, she doesn't give him shit about his lack of interest in grown up things as she has no expectations of him.

We've tried to get things back on track a few times since he left, each time he sees me moving on, he says we need to talk, and we do but then never actually commits to showing that he wants me and us to resolve issues and I end up saying I can't do it if he won't give 100%.

Now he's blaming me for the lot, it's my fault he turned to someone else, never wanted to come home from work as I was unaffectionate and gave him grief hmm. He detached from any responsibility whilst he was here relating to house, bills, everything and actually ended up wishing he'd just go.
This separation has probably done us more damage due to the anger and hurt I felt about him leaving, I admit I have ranted via text when he?s been a twat, but he says he?s so upset by my nastiness he can?t ever come back.

So now he?s has gone, why am I so sad? I just miss him, his company and the thought of doing this alone is terrifying. I didn?t sign up for this, I wanted a family, not split parenting. But I also know that?s not 'him' that I miss; it?s the old 'him'. This DH I just don?t know

He?s still looking after the kids at our house when I work late shifts and that?s hard as I have to see him, says he?s looking for somewhere to live but has it cushy at hers and living for free.

I hate her for what?s she done and enabled him to do, she?s made it easy for him to leave and now he?s got a new life which he seems to be enjoying whilst I?m spending all my time crying and feeling so low.

I just can?t imagine ever getting over him.

piglettsmummy Tue 09-Oct-12 22:26:20

aww hunni i dont no what i can say t help. only have my own experience to go on. i split with my boyfriend in may. a mutual decision. i didnt love him i hadnt for months in fact i hated him. but in the weeks that followed i found myself writting him letters telling him i wanted tow work things out and thati loved him, but i didnt. all i can think of was that after four years with him, despite it being crap, i could let go, i had depended upon him for so long and then the biggest change in my life! still even now i find myself think about him but like i said its not love or lust or anything! i hate him, he is having the time of his live going with every girl that crosses his path, and im stuck at home with out daughter who he sees once week for 8hours! she adores him but he will only ever be a part time dad! i can imagine it hurst to se you DH with another woman! but then you have to remember you better than him! hes lowering himself to childish tactics, like when your moving on and he says the things he does. for the last few months my relationship was unaffectionate, why would i be intimate with someone i didnt love? he still wanted to and would often say hurtful things and i felt i had to be 'loving' to him because in some way i was wrong in not doing so. i always think there are two people in a relationship, two people start it two people finish it! not that in cases like yours your to blame but you are moving on now which is good and that in a way is a final end to a relationship! but he was the one to blame! you should never feel like you were the reason that he went to someone else! if he felt the relationship wanst working he should have sort help from a councellor or ended it before begining another one! you are not to blame and never wil be! i think you should just try and let go! its hard ano im going through the same thing but it gets better!! i promise hugs smile xx

Makethepainstop Tue 09-Oct-12 22:36:42


I can relate so muchto.what you have written. The pain is indescribable. It isn't fair that he is having best of both worlds whilst you are suffering. From reading posts on here I can see so many women are going through the same thing. My h left in April when my baby was 5 weeks old and ds was 3. It has been awful and im still wanting him to come home but really I know it has gone too far. I am now happy in my own company and building new life for me and my babies. You will get there too. It really won't be easy, not at all, but every day is a step closer to happiness and before you knowit you will start to smile again. I still find certain things difficult. Initially every hour felt like torture, but it gets better and now only certain things trigger my unhappiness

Practically though, I think you need to create walls and boundaries between you. I majorly struggled with this because I didn't want to let go. You need to only speak to him about the children and not enage in friendly chit chat. He is no longer your best friend he is the person that cheated on you and let you down.

Big hugs xxx

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 09-Oct-12 22:42:20

"He?s still looking after the kids at our house when I work late shifts and that?s hard as I have to see him"

This is a big part of where it's going wrong. It is very difficult to accept that he is happier elsewhere, swanning off into the metaphorical sunset without a backward glance.... It is even more difficult if he is still doing 'normal' stuff like being in your home.

Marriage break-down is a grief process not unlike bereavement. You go through all the stages of loss, denial, bargaining & adjustment until finally you get to a stage that's liveable. Bereavement is a very sudden break and the loss is worst when we get an unexpected reminder like a photo. When the person you've lost is still hanging around, tantalisingly out of reach, not 'gone' but not with you either, it's crippling.

So make a clean break with your ex even if it causes you some inconvenience to start with. It's the only way you'll make a new life.

MrsVandekamp Tue 09-Oct-12 22:55:17

Cogiti - He comes to our house to look after the DCs as hes living eith her and over my dead body will he take them there. I sometimes work until the early hours soits not like he can take them out either. Sometimes hes sleeps on the sofa and is asleep when i get in and will 'do me a favour' and stay untilmornig soi can get some sleep, other times i will wake after a few hours at 7am when the dog barks and wakes me up to find hes gone.
He said hes getting somewhere else and the Dcs will stay with him so that shoule be easier.

Mtps - I really do need to only communicate with him about the DCs, i still fel that i want him to come back and say its all a mess and he wants to make it work - and mean it.
Hes said this 3 times now but never shown any commitment to actually wanting to.
Its so hard seeing that his new life is better than what he had. The single life.
Hes so cold at times, telling me to get a grip when im upset, then saying he hates seeing me upset, i think that he wouldnt care less if he never spoke to me again.
Its like hes rewritten history and in his mind his life with me was so bad. If he hadnt detached this last few years and been a good husband like he used to be, i would never has cause to give him the grief that made him so unhappy

jynier Tue 09-Oct-12 22:56:15

So sorry, OP, for what you are going through; Cogito has spelt it out exactly. Your H has stolen your future even though you say he was a rubbish husband!

Best wishes; hope that you can get through this!

MrsVandekamp Tue 09-Oct-12 23:00:44

its on my mind almost every minute of the day, i dont think so much about what hes doing when hes not here anymore, but every now and then i will hear about or see something which tells me hes having a good time, and it sends me spiralling into tears again, thinking how can he be happy?
Is he ever going to miss us?
I honestly dont feel like i could ever trust him again and know that it would never work on that basis, i just wish it was different and that he loved me like he used to.
we had such a perfect relationship in the early days

Seth Tue 09-Oct-12 23:13:05

Mrs Vandekamp

I could have written your post word for word exactly 3 years ago. Your H's behaviour, attitude, characteristics are identical to how my H's were.I completely empathise with how you are feeling and it's really tough to 'make' yourself feel any other way other than how you feel. I found out I was pregnant the week after mine left which added another spanner in the works but the grieving process is the same.

Other posters are right when they say that it's really important to see your H as a different person now. I really struggled as the packaging was the same on the outside and all I could see was the man I loved and married.It took a long while for me to realise that that person was long gone . It's very normal to want things back the way they were even though intellectually you may know he wasn't treating you as he should. I allowed mine to come and go again 3 times over the period of 2 years as I clung on to that hope that the old DH would return but in the end It was me that finally made that decision.If there is no to-ing and fri-ing on his part it may not seem like it now but you will probably recover more quickly.

Your self esteem has probably taken a knock , but as you move on you will proba ly gradually realise quite how unworthy of your love and longing he is. A man that could do this to his wife and family is not someone who is worthy of you.There are ways of ending a relationship you don't want to be in any more and he has gone about it in the worst possible way.

I found what helped the most ( apart from seeing lots of my friends, forcing myself to do things that would make me happy -joined a choir and sang through my tears every Monday night!) was , as some others say detach detach detach....not seeing him apart from handovers, not engaging in too much eye contact etc... Most importantly NOT allowing yourself to be on the receiving end of any of his bullshit and blaming. It might help you to work through your feelings with a therapist ( I hit one on NHS-great if you can) but don't let him use you as a verbal punchbag or a sounding board. You have enough to deal with without engaging with him on things that aren't absolutely necessary. We still do most of our communicating on email now re DCs and other stuff and it works fine.

For the record I thought my whole life had fallen apart whenmy H walked out but the more time goes on the more I have grown and have come to realise how much happier I am without him. I have recently met am amazing man who is far better suited to me that my H ever was and I actually mentally thank him for walking out now.

I get that it's way too early for you to feel like takes a long time for the sadness, loss of your future and fear to go but it will do. Thinking of you. smile

MrsVandekamp Tue 09-Oct-12 23:22:44

Thank you honinmyo, i think that thats the thing, he looks like the man i love and adore, so i almost cant understand why he isnt that man on the inside.
Physically, he is want i would look for in a man, noone else has ever made me look twice at them, but when he was here, i didnt want him,so why do i want him so much now.

skyebluesapphire Wed 10-Oct-12 00:04:45

So sorry for you. STBXH walked out at Easter, divorce will be final any day now, but I'm still mourning the loss of my H, the man he used to be..

Trouble is, nobody can stop your feelings for you or tell you how to stop loving your ex.

I second all above info. I thought my life was over but 6 months on I am getting ther slowly, very slowly. I have DD 4yo to keep me going and some great friends.

It will get easier , I promise

Makethepainstop Wed 10-Oct-12 21:19:39

I really feel like you have taken the words out of my mouth. The looking like the person I love but in reality being nothing like them thing has really hit a chord with me. It's exactly how I feel. I have been spending too much time with ex recently and now I am paying the price for it beaus emy emotions are all over the place.

How are you feeling today? Have you kept yourself busy? The only thing that helps me is trying to create a new life for me and my babies. My days are now filled with school runs (met some lovely mums at school gates), coffee mornings, children's activities. It's helped me a lot. My new life doesn't resemble my old one at all and I am starting to feel happy again. For such a long time it felt like I had nothing to look forward to.
I'm always here for a chat if you want to. I completely understand what you are going through. It's tough and it's shit but we are better than them dirty, selfish pigs! Cheats never prosper xx

MrsVandekamp Wed 10-Oct-12 21:45:35

im just having a bleugh day really. Still hits me like a punch in the gut and its on my mind constantly. I feel like my self esteem is at rock bottom, and ever where i turn everyone looks loved up, which i know in reality isnt how life works but everytime i see a 'couple' doing something together i feel a little pang of jealousy that theyve been able to make thier relationship work and i havent.

I'm skint until payday but my mum is happy to tide me over, but i dont like to ask. Just need to learn to budget better. Ive never been partulary giid at budgeting and with 2 wages coming in, DHs bits here and there so always got by.

I feel lonely, and even thought i think i was lonelier when he was here as we had disconnected so much, it was just comforting knowing he was here.
Ive made plans for for friday evening totake the DCs to a show with a friend sothats something tofill an evening and to look forward to!

MrsVandekamp Wed 10-Oct-12 21:50:54

And Ive been short tempered with the kids, especially in a morning when they are playing up getting ready for school, but ive noticed this last week,my patience is returning and mornings havent been so frought! its made me feel so guilty, and a crap mum and sometimes i feel sorry formthem that they have me as their mum, but they know I love them to bits and im always here for them.
Its just crap having to deal with EVERYTHING, with no support in terms of household chores, organsing, remembering everything. im either at work, or looking after the kids, DH only has the kids when im at work, so i think when (if) he gets his own place he is going to have to give me a little me time now and again.

skyebluesapphire Mon 15-Oct-12 11:16:19

Hows it going ?

MrsVandekamp Mon 15-Oct-12 14:27:14

It's ok I suppose, still hard but I'm putting my hard face on! Haven't contacted him at all and have waited for him to text me re seeing kids and then just gone out when he is here. Haven't cried for a couple of days although it's all still on my mind constantly, the whys, how could he? etc.
Thank you for asking x

struggling100 Mon 15-Oct-12 14:44:45

It sounds like you are in emotional limbo at the moment. You half believe his excuses (e.g. it was all your fault he walked out), but part of you also recognises them for the ridiculous, lame-ass CRAP that they are!

Your question is a good one: why can't you let him go? But the answer to that is inside you, not inside him. Until you can start to look after yourself - to really care for yourself at a deep level, and to see yourself as fundamentally worthy of a good man who will treat you well, and of a good life, you will never be able to let go of the rotter who treated you like dirt.

So he's with another girl now? I know that feelings of rejection and jealousy are natural and normal here, but they really aren't rational. All she's gained is a douchebag with a pile of issues who can't behave. You might be on your own right now, but you have the chance of a new life - of exploring all kinds of new things, and eventually of meeting someone so much better for you. I know being a single parent is terrifying, but it is also a door opening out of a bad, boring old world where you were not treated well to a limitless future, full of possibilities.

Make a list of all the crap he put you through. Write it all down, every little unreasonable thing he did that pissed you off royally while you were together. And every time you catch yourself idealising about the good times, read it back and after every item, say to yourself 'I DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER'. Better still, say 'MY KIDS DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!' - because they need a strong, male role model, not this kind of weak, vacillating idiot who lies, and sneaks, and can't even take responsibility for his actions when he's caught red-handed.

Don't text him. Don't have any unnecessary contact. Don't make yourself available. It's only when you remove yourself from him emotionally that he will value you. The key thing is that, by this point, you shouldn't give a damn what he thinks - and you'll get such satisfaction telling him so! smile

skyebluezombie Mon 15-Oct-12 22:08:46

My STBXH had an emotional affair and I have all these what if's going through my head even though my divorce will be final any day.

It is hard to move in but it does get better bit by bit day by day

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