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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Condom found. What should my next move be - please help!

148 replies

wannabegood · 09/10/2012 14:01

Hi
I was having a mass clear out yesterday and found a skins condom in my husbands underwear drawer. We have been married for 28 yrs and as far as I know he has never cheated. I calmly asked him last night where it has come from and he said he cant remember! He does have a big night out with the boys every Friday and does get in some states where he cant remember much, but it is always local and never town.
I have checked and apparently you can only get this brand through parties such as Ann Summers etc?
He says he can understand my anger as he would feel the same.
I have given him 24 hrs to come up with an answer but dont have a clue what to do after that? Any advice or comments really welcome please

OP posts:

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CailinDana · 09/10/2012 14:03

Have you any reason to believe he's cheating besides the condom?

Malificence · 09/10/2012 14:12

Tbh, I'd be more concerned at a man of around 50 years old regularly getting so drunk he can't remember nights out.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/10/2012 14:12

If he doesn't attend Ann Summers parties when he's out with the boys, he's got the condom from someone that did. Did his explanation seem genuine? If you've lived with someone for nearly 30 years, you presumably know if he's looking shifty... If he gets in a bad enough 'state' when he goes out every Friday to lose his memory, maybe it's time to call a halt to that particular tradition?

wannabegood · 09/10/2012 14:13

He has not been as affectionate lately but we still have a good sex life. I have had doubts for a while to be honest but just a feeling.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/10/2012 14:15

Then ask a straight question and look him in the eyes when he gives you the answer.

YerMaw1989 · 09/10/2012 14:17

Skins condoms? I think you can get those from morrisons? I recognise the brand.

Have you ever used johnnys? could it just be left over??.

gingerpig · 09/10/2012 14:18

what's the use by date on it?

wannabegood · 09/10/2012 14:20

I would love to stop it as I hate it but he says it a release after a hard week at work, he says he just drinks and plays pool etc.

OP posts:

dondon33 · 09/10/2012 14:20

I wouldn't accept "I can't remember" as an answer.
Even if he acquired it from one of his drinking sessions while in a state, how did it get to the draw? He'd of had to physically put it there.
Why has he not noticed/found it himself in the draw?

Like CailinDana already asked - do you have any reason to be suspicious? has his behaviour changed, started guarding his mobile phone, staying out later/more often?

Bluefrogs · 09/10/2012 14:20

I know this might not help but I have recently seen adverts for this brand of condom on the underground.so they may be more widely available than you think.
Have you got kids?could they have left them lying around?are his mates jokers that could be trying to get him on trouble?
Just trying to think of an explanation rather than just assuming the worst tbh.

wannabegood · 09/10/2012 14:21

No we dont use them ever. I looked him in the eyes last night when I asked and he just said I dont know where it has come from but i havent cheated on you

OP posts:

dondon33 · 09/10/2012 14:22

*Oops! long time writing my post - questions already answered.

wannabegood · 09/10/2012 14:24

Thanks everyone nice to be able to chat as been very worried.

No kids in the house now and his mates are the sort to do that kind of joke they are all bunch of idiots tbh but he would have binned it surely?

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wannabegood · 09/10/2012 14:25

The date is 2015/08

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/10/2012 14:26

"he says he just drinks and plays pool etc. "

You mean, drinks until he's in 'a state' and then claims he can't remember how condoms ended up in his knicker drawer... I'd have thought that, if he has an ounce of commonsense and knows you're annoyed about this, he'd be offering to give up his boozy boys' nights out for a while and instead take you out for supper by way of reassurance.

worldgonecrazy · 09/10/2012 14:27

They are a relatively new brand and you can get them at supermarkets.

Sorry, but I don't buy the "I can't remember" line either.

I'm surprised that you think that only men who go on nights out in big towns play away?

Anyway, the thing to do is bide your time, rather than looking for confrontation.

wannabegood · 09/10/2012 14:28

I did say that last night, they need to stop but he said no Ive done nothing wrong. TBH I think its a MLC crisis thing and hanging out with the boys makes him feel young which I accept but not if he's messing around

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Bluefrogs · 09/10/2012 14:28

Well maybe but if your dp is anything like mine he can't remember where anything is or where stuff comes from,I'm not trying to trivialise this for you but trying to run through some possible plausible reasons.
I do also wonder if he would keep a condom in an underwear drawer,he could hide on anywhere couldn't he?or throw it away if he was up to no good.

wannabegood · 09/10/2012 14:30

I know but biding my time will kill me!

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wannabegood · 09/10/2012 14:32

He may have put it in there when he was drunk intending to move it the next day and forgot?

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SeveredEdMcDunnough · 09/10/2012 14:33

It's not 28 years old then

I'd be concerned, particularly as you have felt a bit suspicious for a while.

I'm not sure what you can do though.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/10/2012 14:34

It's not a MLC thing it's an MCP thing.... Male Chauvinist Pig. You're clearly feeling rather down about this discovery, it has knocked your confidence in the relationship, you've been feeling something's not right for a while, had your doubts, and any man worth his salt would be trying to make you feel better, not carrying on boozing and playing pool leaving you sat at home twiddling your thumbs wondering when you turned into a doormat.....

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Bluefrogs · 09/10/2012 14:35

Maybe,I think though as he knows you have found it there are on of two things that might happen.
If he is innocent then he will want to try and really prove that to you.
If he's not then he's going to start covering his tracks now isn't he?so just bear that in mind if he's acting differently etc.

SeveredEdMcDunnough · 09/10/2012 14:37

btw I'm not convinced remotely by his 'explanation'.

It sounds exactly what someone would say when caught off guard, no time to think of a decent or believable reason, they just say 'I don't know' and 'I can't remember'.

If there was a genuine reason for it being there he would know that, and tell you. He can't. This tells you a lot already.

BigWitchLegsInWailyTights · 09/10/2012 14:37

If it is that old, could it have come from some party/stag do some time ago?

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