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online flirting

(10 Posts)
alpha1969 Tue 09-Oct-12 12:57:39

Hi so I have been in a new relationship for 18 months.Recently he has had to go work in london. of previous relationship I dont trust me and the internet so I checked his history when he got back and found days deleted.This made me suspicious- I asked that he didnt and then added an add on to his firefox that would keep a little more even if he deleted stuff, no a lot but a little.When he got back I checked it and found that he had made contact with on facebook calling her fun and absolutely stunning an then she was his friend, and that days history was deleted.He said he had been stupid , drunk and tha it wasnt anything an he wouldnt do it again.I didnt believe him so I watched him on facebook and last week he started talking to a friend and the interaction became flirtatious obviously referring to some past intimacy.. I interrupted it before it went to far.Now I am devastated- he says he loves me and I do believe him - he wants to marry me- and I love him so much I want to give him one last chance as he hasnt had sex with anyone else just online flirting.
So I have tried to work out what I need to get through this and this is what it is and I need to know am I being reasonable
1. The X - I want him to tell her as he claims that they are now just friends, about what happened and how it has jepodised our relationship- to tell her that he loves me and wants to marry me , that this type of flirtatious interaction isnt okay anymore- so far he has refused saying I am controlling his friends..
2.That he vows that he will never again give any women the impression that he is interested in them in a sexual way again.He can look and think what he likes but he cannot ever let anyone else think he is available to the sexually
In his mind these interactions were harmless and he was never going to act physically upon them and I do believe that, the problem now is that all the lovely things he says to me have become just words as he can and has spoke to other women in this way.I dont feel special anymore- I havent even seen any other men since we have been together I dont notice them he has been all i have needed, but he been looking, seeking something more and so am I really enough- I dont need to fear that I am not enough..I want him to prove his love now with actions not just words but he feels like I am over jealous that what I am demanding isnt reasonable.Thus this message I really could do with some insight from others before I lay it on the line for him.If he isnt prepared to do what I want , if what I want isnt unreasonable, then I will have to let him go even though I love him so so much.

Bluefrogs Tue 09-Oct-12 13:05:35

Stop checking his bloody Internet history

OhEmGee24 Tue 09-Oct-12 13:08:01

Agreed ^

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 09-Oct-12 13:09:21

There's a phrase that 'eavesdroppers never hear any good of themselves'. If you're so jealous and mistrusting of someone that you have to check their browsing history then I'm afraid it's dead in the water. He's annoyed at the intrusion. You're annoyed at what you've discovered. Forget marriage. I don't see any future from here.

Charbon Tue 09-Oct-12 13:13:17

It's pretty simple. You don't trust him and act like a parent controlling a wayward child - and he's untrustworthy, acting like a child let loose in a sweetshop when he thinks you aren't looking, except the 'sweets' are pursuing opportunities for inappropriate relationships with other women.

He can tell you all day long that he won't do this again, but it's unlikely to be the truth.

And you can continue to waste your time policing him, despite the sure knowledge that if he wants to be unfaithful, he'll always find a way.

So you have a few options. You either continue a relationship with someone untrustworthy whom you don't trust - and start doing something more productive with your time than controlling him. You carry on with this cat and mouse game. You part because this relationship is never going to be any different. Or you are both more honest and adult in your interactions with one another and get some counselling to help you with this parent-child dynamic, your desire to control, his desire to act like a child and pursue secret relationships with other women.

Bluefrogs Tue 09-Oct-12 13:13:40

I'm not surprised he feels like you are over jealous.
My advice to you is let the poor guy go so you can sort out your issues.I mean that in the best way really.
Seriously from what you have written the guy hasnt actually done anything,if the situation was reversed and you were the woman on the receiving end of this kind if behaviour your replies would all say 'run like the wind'
If you go ahead and present your bonkers demands I wouldn't blame him for ending it.

mobileadam Tue 09-Oct-12 13:15:32 you didn't trust him so installed an extra piece of software to track his internet usage and discovered that indeed he is someone who is flirting with others.

Time to end it then while you are only 18 months in, for a number of reasons. I couldn't understand why you didn't trust him initially so I hope this case is unique to him and not something that will affect your future relationships.

Charbon Tue 09-Oct-12 13:26:20

There are faults on both sides here. It isn't acceptable in many relationships to flirt online with an ex and discuss previous sexual intimacies, hide those interactions and when found out, to counter-accuse a partner of jealousy. As it isn't acceptable in many relationships to police the other's activity and instal detection methods.

izzyizin Tue 09-Oct-12 17:45:49

he started talking to a friend and the interaction became flirtatious obviously referring to some past intimacy.. I interrupted it before it went to far

You lurked and waited until you found his interaction with his friend 'flirtatious' and interrupted their conversation before it went too far? You tampered with his firefox so that you could spy on his internet history?

Jeez, you are some control freak, honey. And he still wants to marry you? shock

Donkeysdontridebicycles Tue 09-Oct-12 18:58:21

Call it quits and stop all this carry on now.

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