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Following divorce and moving on...

(6 Posts)
cheesestrung Tue 09-Oct-12 12:54:34

I am still in the family home following divorce, I have taken on the mortgage. Some days i feel free, but other i feel trapped in the home, with the memories and the general "feeling"
My parents, who divorced when i was young still live nearby. My dad is great with practical help, my mum can be a bit of a nightmare and contributes towards my current low self esteem. Following divorce i had what became bordering on an abusive relationship.
I feel i want to move on and just dont know where to go iyswim. I also dont want to make a mistake or any rash decisions. My house is in a lovely area, the school is great etc good location, but i feel i want to get away, start again, find myself...
so are these just thoughts, is just just how i feel inside or would moving actually help. Just wondering what peoples experiences are? thanks :-)

SpiderManMum Tue 09-Oct-12 13:18:05

Hi cheesestrung, I'm having to make similar decisions at the moment myself. My 'DH' left in March and I am about to start divorce proceedings. Myself and DS are still in the family home and I have to make a decision to either fight to stay here or make a new start.

My friends and family think selling up and finishing a new home that has no associations with him is the best idea and it does sound an easy option but for me personally I think I could get rid of some of the associations by turning this house into MY home by redecorating and doing all the things to it that I dreamt of when we bought it. My STBXH has taken so much away from me, I don't want let him take everything.

That said, I don't have my mum living close by with whom I have a difficult relationship so can understand how this can add to your problems. Do you think a counsellor would be able to help you understand the aspects of your life you are currently unhappy with and support you with a plan to move forward?

If you're generally happy with your house, school, location etc, it would be a shame to move and have all the added stress and costs only to find it hasn't achieved what you wanted. Totally understand your dilemma, there are so many decisions that we have have to make on our own now and I guess there is no right answer to any of it. thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 09-Oct-12 13:23:29

I remember that feeling and also remember not wanting to move house because it was the one constant when everything else was up in the air. What I did was get my paints, brushes and rollers out and give the whole house a big make-over top to bottom in completely different colours. Changed soft-furnishings, took a lot of stuff to the tip. That quite quickly made the place feel like 'mine' and not 'ours' any more. The only room left that has any connection with the old days is the kitchen. No-one knows why I'm saving up to get it ripped out. smile

Then again, I live 200 miles from my DM. If she was around the corner I'd have probably sold up long ago. She doesn't have a key, does she?

foolonthehill Tue 09-Oct-12 13:54:38

grin cogito....it's what I dream of doing and much much cheaper than moving house.

If DM has a key definitely time to lose yours and change the locks...and indefinitely forget to give DM a new set.

I don't know what is right for you Op but it may be just as easy to reinvent yourself where you are by changing your local activities, haunts etc. so long as you're not in a tiny village......

mumof4sons Tue 09-Oct-12 15:04:42

I know exactly how you feel. My divorce was final in April. I have decided to move away. My house, which I got in the settlement, is currently up for sale and I am moving back to my hometown in the USA. As the only family I had in England was my exH and the inlaws, I have now after 23 years decided that I need to go home.

The decision to move was not taken lightly and I have had many sleepless nights over it, but now I am sleeping sound. My exH thinks I am being extremely selfish for separating up the famiy with my decision. (He was the one who knew that this was likely to happen when he walked out of the family home 3 years ago for the arms and fango of another woman.)

At this point in time I don't know whether my DSs are going with me, but this is something I have to do for myself and my sanity. I once loved the life I had here in the UK but unfortunately for me when he left so did my love for this country. I don't want to be alone here anymore.

So my best advice, do what you feel is right for you.

JennaMoroney Tue 09-Oct-12 15:08:33

Sell the house and buy something near your kids school. You don't have to turn your lfe upside down but a new house would be fresh territory. I would love to move out of this house. i feel tied as well. for various reasons, financial mostly.

I have started to try and suit myself more though. March to my own drum whilst being very polite. Tough balance though because I neeed my mum's help but I need to be able to draw a line between pleasing her and pleasing myself.

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