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DH texting woman he met online plesae help

(48 Posts)
Quin Tue 09-Oct-12 05:23:15


I am 16 weeks pg with a 3 year old DD. Been with DH for 11 years and married for 4.

In the past DH has used the internet to look at porn and it had killed our relationship. He lies and there is no trust. I guess I stayed because in every other way he was the model partner. Anyone who knows us would be so shocked by this and this is why I have no one to talk to. I feel so humiliated.

A few months ago we began couselling and things seemed better. However over the last couple of weeks he has been acting strangely with phone permanatly attached to him and 'jumping' if I walked into a room and he was texting. I asked a couple of times what was going on and he said nothing just text friend etc.

Well I brough it up again last night and the upshot is he tried everything possible to not let me see the phone but in the end he knew that obviously by not letting me see it meant that I would know there was something on there he didn't want me to see.

So he gave me the phone and there were hundreds of messages between him and a woman he met online. The most hurtful part is that they weren't just sexual but also just lots of messages about how her day was etc.

Where do I go from here? I know it is over between us but it breaks my heart that my daughter wont have her daddy anymore. The guilt I feel is so painful. I know that it shouldn't be my guilt.

Also I am terrified of how to cope. To be single and pregnant with DD. How will we be able to afford to live in our home still? How will I cope with birth and recovery alone (am prob having elec c-section)?

He has taken everything from us. How could he choose that over his wife and children and the beautiful family we could have had?

I would appreciate any advice or support. I've been awake most of the night crying. I just feel like I can't go on. Every option seems so hard.

madbengal Tue 09-Oct-12 05:35:55

You will get through this, I'm not saying it isnt very bloody hard but you take each day at a time and you will see it get better

Get yourself to CAB, a lawyer and do you have anyone in RL that can support you emotionally

and finally put your slap on hide behind it and dont give the git the satifaction then once the door is shut you crumble, as we all do/ have done

Massive massive HUGS

allgoodindahood Tue 09-Oct-12 05:43:18

I'm so sorry to hear this. I've been in the same horrible situation. In my case he was having an affair. Ds was 1 yr old and I was 5 months pregnant with ds2. Please believe me, you will be fine. You will get through this. I did and am happily remarried to a man who adores my boys and now have dd1 too. I totally understand the feelings of humiliation but you've done nothing wrong, its him who should be ashamed. Imho you'd be better off without him, at least you'd have your peace of mind.
Do you have any rl support?

Quin Tue 09-Oct-12 05:48:18

Thank you for the replies. No one in rl knows and I just can't bring myself to talk to them about it. I think that I know that once I do there will be no turning back.

I am considering staying until returning to work after maternity leave. We just about afford to live together so don't know how we will cope finacially living apart. I don't want to lose precious mat leave time because of what he has done. He has taken everything from me. I realise now that my self esteem is so low because I have allowed him to treat me like this. I don't want him to take my time with my children from me.

I don't want to be with him but can't face losing my family. It's all I have ever wanted and he had destoyed it.

I was thinking of seeing counsellor again on my own

allgoodindahood Tue 09-Oct-12 06:04:02

Pls dont make any hasty decisions until you have as much info as possible. I'm sure that you would be entitled to benefits and financial assistance if you suddenly became a single mum. And the CSA would require him to pay a proportion of his salary too. What has your dh said about all this? Is he going to stop texting her? I think you're right to seek counselling for your self esteem issues. Leaving my ex turned my whole world upside down but rather that than be treated like shit.

I wasn't able to talk to friends about it either but I had my lovely mum (RIP) to support me. Who have you got to talk to? Pls don't suffer in silence

Quin Tue 09-Oct-12 06:17:19

Thank you. Why are there so many women who have to suffer through this?

I work full time and quite long hours. I will have to give up some of the precious time I get to spend with my daughter. Why should I have to be punished when I've done nothing wrong?

Sorry for the self pity. I just feel so angry and it hurts. I can't stop crying and Ihave to see my midwife later this morning.

Thank you for talking to me. I feel that just by posting here I've taken another baby step towards detaching. I wish I was just one of those people who could just end it right now but I don't have the strength. I am already suffering with anxiety and depression. Pinned all that on work stress and bereavement but now I'm trying to be honest with myself and have to admit that this relationship has contributed heavily to this too.

hoopieghirl Tue 09-Oct-12 06:35:33

I am so sorry u are going through this esp when pregnant. Don't make any hasty decisions, give yourself time to regroup get as much information in regards to your rights eg housing financial. You have nothing to be ashamed of so please talk to ppl in RL if you feel the need. Good luck

Quin Tue 09-Oct-12 07:01:31

Thank you. It's so hard not to feel ashamed. The real killer is that he is the one who has behaved terribly but is begging me not to leave him. So although I have done nothing wrong I will have the guilt of being the bad guy who breaks up the family. My DD adores him and she is always at her happiest when we are altogether. How can I do this to her? My heart is breaking. Sorry.

joblot Tue 09-Oct-12 07:07:00

Go to the counselling. Talk to someone in rl, it'll help so much. Most people realize real life doesn't match our childhood hopes and fantasies. Good luck with it all, it's dreadful to have to go through this

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 09-Oct-12 07:13:12

Sounds like he is having an affair (although it may be just emotional).

He made the choice to check out of his marriage - he is the the bad guy breaking up the family. He is the one who is doing all this and breaking your heart.

You need to get some advice about benefits, tax credits, council tax etc.

You also need to confide in people in real life - you will need their support.

Quin Tue 09-Oct-12 08:24:53

Just found out he is still texting her today saying that he feels he owes her an explanation and he is sorry that he has not been truthful. This is stranger he has met on adult friend finder. All this after I text her last night and told her that he was married with a child and I'm pregnant etc. She has replied to him that he has feelings too. Can you believe that? Nothing seems real.

Has anyone deliberatily stayed in a relationship for about a year (this is how long I would need) knowing that once they were in abetter position they would leave.

I don't want to be with him. I have no feelings left for him. But by making him leave now instead of in the near future I would have to sacrifice a lot. I think that the sacrifice a few months down the line could be less.

Can't believe I am writing this. My poor daughter. The thought of one day not having to wonder who a text messsage is from everytime it beeps or wonder what he is doing downstairs in the middle of the night is what i am trying to focus on. I have to be worth more than this.

Has anyone else stayed short term knowing they would end it eventually? How did that work out for you?

Thank you so much to those that have repsonded or even just read. I have admitted more here in the last few hours than I have been able to over the last few years. I've been in such denial.

Lolaismyfavouriteandmybest Tue 09-Oct-12 08:41:44

No advice, just a hand to hold, you are strong and you will get through this.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 09-Oct-12 09:20:05

Yes, you can take the option of biding your time, saving money, getting legal and financial advice as well as putting together all the papers you need.

As long as you are doing these preparations and not just sitting around waiting for things to change - what if he decides to walk out leaving you all in the shit?

The rules for legal aid are changing so do see a solicitor for a free half hour consultation to find out what your options are.

Quin Tue 09-Oct-12 09:34:28

Thank you.

Madabout - you're quite right to say that about waiting for things to change. I have been doing that for many years now and in fact things have only got worse. I don't want my daughter to think this kind of relationship is normal and I am very unhappy. I can't spend the rest of my life in this situation. I think in the past I was scared to be alone but that doesn't scare me anymore.

I don't think he would just walk out. He will do anything he can to cling on to our family apart from actually changing which is the one thing I will never understand. He is probably in denial too. After it happening so many times and me never leaving no doubt he thinks I never will.

Thanks for the advice re solicitor. I read somthing on another thread about life being too precious to waste and I'm trying to hold onto that thought. I have been lurking on this board over the last year or so deep down inside knowing that my life isn't right. Reading posts on here has given me the belief that I can have more than this.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 09-Oct-12 09:34:40

One step at a time, love

Get some advice from a solicitor about where you would stand if you split. Ring round a few until you get one that is sympathetic to your situation. Knowledge is power. At the moment it seems insurmountable because you are completely overwhelmed. You may be pleasantly surprised that you are not forced to do anything you do not want to do.

I am afraid you are going to have to get a STI check. It is very possible your H has put yours and your unborn baby's health at risk. I would do this even if he denies physical contact with women from Adult Friend Finder. He has already proved he is a liar who will only admit what you back him into a corner for, so again I'm sorry but there may be much, much more to his betrayal than texts. How do you know this is the first time he he has stepped outside of your marriage. You don't, unfortunately.

Next, talk to trusted friends/family in RL. You say your relationship is over, so why not ? This isn't your shame, it is his and you would do well to stop protecting him at the expense of yourself.

It is certainly an option to wait it out until after your mat leave, and completely see how you feel cheated even further by potentially having what should be a happy time taken away from you. But love, it is already gone. You have a different reality now.

Doha Tue 09-Oct-12 09:48:52

Could you stay knowing that every time he was out, every text he received could be from OW. You may have emotionally checked out from the marriage but living in the atmosphere/situation will be very difficult.
Your DD however young will pick up on the strained atmosphere.
It may be better to split before you have 2 young DC's in tow and be setled in your new life before DC2 arrives.
Please seek legal advice asap, get all your documents together in case things get nasty and please get a STI check.
He may be groveling now but as you say you have theatened to leave many times and not followed through, your H has no reason to think he won't get away with it this time.
You have to be strong for you and both your DC's now

Looksgoodingravy Tue 09-Oct-12 13:27:43

So sorry you're going through this, I'm just here to be a support if you need it. I've been through similar although we're still together. It's been one of the hardest things I've faced.

As others have said please get rl support too, do you have close friends or a family member you can begin to confide in. You will need so much support in the next few months especially with new baby on the way and also agree with others that this is not your shame, your dh put you in this position, it's most definitely his shame.

You CAN do this, hard as it is now you will get through this.

pregnantpause Tue 09-Oct-12 14:00:50

I haven't been in your situation, so please ignore me if I am out of line, but to stay for an extra year seems unfair on your dc.It must be so so hard for you, please don't feel ashamed, this is not your fault, this is his fault, his shame not yours. Get some rl support, and find a way out.
Your dd deserves a happy mum, and to stay in a deteriorating environment for a year, add a new baby that she will have toadjust to (and you to for that matter) I think it would be best to get out now, find a way for you and dd to adjust and settle, and start afresh, without your foul dh polluting your life anymore. Good luck whatever you chose to do.

mrswimpeydimple Tue 09-Oct-12 14:18:03

So sorry OP to read of your situation. I have been through something vaguely similar myself two years ago. I just wanted to let you know that being a single parent is not a bad thing. In actual fact it is absolutely brilliant. I kicked my ExP out when our DS was 10 wks old (again for online infidelity and EA). It's the best thing I ever did and has empowered me. Life is so much nicer without a man in it, and I'm a more confident and happy person too. And my DS is a very stable and happy boy. Becoming a single parent is not the end of the world, it is a fantastic new beginning and so much better than the alternative of sticking with a bad relationship. My advice, kick him out and seek legal advice. Even if you have to move house to something more affordable it is still better than staying in a bad relationship. Good luck and stay strong. You should feel no guilt or shame. Be proud to be a single parent, I am!

OneMoreChap Tue 09-Oct-12 14:34:37

<pulls sad face> Sorry, I know from some family experience that Adult Friend Finder is one of those NSA places. He's pretty certainly been - or thinking really seriously about playing away.

I'd get some advice, and start drawing a line under your life together.

I'm really sorry to hear this sad

MOSagain Tue 09-Oct-12 16:44:25

onemorechap whats 'NSA'?

I've been there. Found out 3 months ago that DH had an affair and a 2 1/2 year EA. The sex allegedly was only a few times 2 years go but its the 2 1/2 yrs of online flirting/FB chat/emails that I'm struggling with most. He was sending her what I consider to be loving (although there was no mention of love) messages at a time when he was emotionally withdrawn from me and was effectively starving me of affection.

I've tried so hard for the past 3 months to forgive and move on but have realised the past few days that I can't and our marriage is over. I will never trust him again and as others have said, you can't spend your whole time wondering.

Good luck x

OneMoreChap Tue 09-Oct-12 16:51:51

NSA - No Strings Attached

People - usually married - of both genders who want to deceive their partners, and find a shag.

Quin Tue 09-Oct-12 17:56:03

Thank you for your words of advice. I'm sorry that so many women have had to go through this.

Presently H is on the floor weeping and saying sorry over and over. How did my life get here?

His reason for doing it? He wanted attention. I just can't understand.

MOSagain Tue 09-Oct-12 17:56:13

agh, sorry, was being particularly stupid blush thank you.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 09-Oct-12 18:06:30

Not another cry baby - urgh. Pathetic whiny man.

I bet he is sorry for getting caught.

Cheaters often do it for the ego boost.

Tell him you need time and space to think things through.

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