Saying sorry but not forgiving - I needed to do it.

[doingwhatsgoodforme]

Mumsnet's posters were wonderful to me last year when my marriage broke down and I divorced my ex for lots of reasons.

Since then a lot has happened and we have been embroiled in a battle for the settlement to be finalised. Today I was supposed to hear from my sol who has reached the end of her tether and had given my ex 48 hours to return the signed consent order or we go to court without further reference to him.

I have felt awful since I saw her last week when we made the decision to stop the protracted arguing over details. Our family home sold and I have a sweet little house which I'm renting whilst I decide what I can realistically do.

So I couldn't get rid of the awful feeling like my heart has sunk to the pit of my stomach - I couldn't cry and I couldn't feel anything but sadness. I texted him to say I'm sorry for the part I played in our divorce. He texted back to say he is sorry he didn't keep all the promises he made the day he married me 20 years, 2 weeks and 4 days ago.

I'm tired of blaming him, tired of the anger, the point scoring and all of that. Thing is, no matter what, the reality is that I DID play a part in killing it all. I was not a victim. And I need to let go.

Don't know what I want really. Just writing it down is good.

[tribpot]

Are you worried that your solicitor will think your text to him today will just confuse the already difficult negotiation over the financial settlement?

Beyond that, I'm not sure that saying you are sorry when you are sorry is such a bad thing. You're sorry that things reached this stage, and that you sometimes let bitterness get the better of you in dealing with the end of your marriage.

But it sounds like whilst you're tired of the game-playing he isn't, if he's refusing to return the consent order. Are you able to let go to the point where you let your solicitor do what she thinks is in your best interests, whilst you don't get embroiled yourself?

[doingwhatsgoodforme]

Thanks trib.

I won't tell my sol about the text and I wouldn't worry about it confusing things because although I'm sorry, I am also prepared to let it go to court no matter the outcome. So yes, I am ready to let go and just let it happen if that's what he wants.

My response to his last demands were to say yes but in return he was to return it within 48 hours or all bets are off and we let the court decide. I'm desperate to end it. It's beginning to affect my health.

And I DID let bitterness get the better of me but I now recognise that I was playing the game.

[tribpot]

Well, onwards and upwards. You were locked in a horrible emotional situation - no-one's going to be able to perform at their best in such circumstances. However, you can start to put that all behind you now - in some ways him not returning the consent order is a blessing as you will not have to wonder 'what might have been' if you'd gone to court.

Think of this as the end; the court bit will happen, yes, but ultimately (presumably) you can't affect that much now. It will happen - but your part is done.

[mrsfuzzy]

trib is right, its an awful situation but the worst is now over and things will get better for you, take each day at a time, dont beat yourself up about things, even if the marriage was rocky divorce is still draining and upseting, ive done it twice, and it feels as if your insides are wrenched out, but the pain eases and gradually you begin to see daylight again, stay strong, you will get through this.

[doingwhatsgoodforme]

Thank you too, fuzzy.

I've posted because I've had a couple of . That's how i know my health is beginning to suffer. Last year it was absolutely right to simply label my errant ex as a bastard (although at the time, and even up to the weekend RL friends are still talking in that way). Sometimes they can be bastards but also I think it's time I owned up to my part.

We were probably not suited, and his apology (which I've heard before and branded as self pitying) is probably the truth as he sees it. Like my OP suggests I don't make any excuses for his behaviour. But I can't take that stance whilst at the same time making excuses for my own.

I am trying to make a new life and in many respects I have. Maybe now I will grieve?

[mrsfuzzy]

of course you need to grieve for the end of your marriage, its all part of the process, you loved and cared about this person once, put your heart and soul into it, when things go wrong its easy to blame yourself, get angry and run a gaunlet of feelings, it is an emotional death and just like a physical one you need time to accept and heal, be kind to yourself it takes time.