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Told H I want to separate last week he agreed and now...(59 Posts)
Now he won't move and says he wants to try again etc etc I've tried for 3 long miserable years! And now I've had enough
We own our house although its in negative equity, but neither of us will give up the house!
I really don't want to have to move to a council House and settle kids in a new area move DS to a new nursery etc but I now feel like he's forcing me to.
Does your RL support (parents?) telling you to stay know the warts and all version of why you want him to leave? Do they know about the drugs and alcohol etc.? A lot of people will advise a young couple to try again in the early years of a marriage. No-one should tell a young woman to 'put up and shut up' if they know there are serious problems.
Your aunt should have followed up her free half hour with the solicitor with another paid hour and got an 'order of sale' through the courts. Try not to treat her experience as typical, in other words
His family has no say in this whatsoever. They are only defending him because he is their DS. You have not made him smoke weed or drink alcohol.... that's entirely his decision.
The 'stomach for divorce' means 'courage to get properly shot'... and no-one's saying it's easy. But this half-way house you're considering with a manipulative, abusive drunk/pot-head living on your sofa will be far harder in the long-run. You're already crying and feeling sick. That's no life.
You won't lose anything by moving out. You are married, there will be a financial settlement.
You will obviously need some money behind you and the money for a rent deposit, and you need to be clear about your benefits situation is. Benefits are there to get you back on your feet while you sort yourself out. You don't have to stay like this any longer than you want to. (See the benefits check above).
Give yourself a break, go through the information above, check your financial situation, make use of whatever real life support you can muster. Plan, plan, plan. Contact Women's Aid (link also above) they will help you with local contacts and information etc.
Sorry you're feeling so low. It all sounds pretty grim for you.
While you might not feel you have the stomach for it yet, getting armed with information that's expert and independent won't hurt. And it'll give you options for whenever you're ready to make a move. And it might help you feel more ready to move your situation on. Right now, it sounds like you don't feel you have any options. Life might feel different if you know that there are other options and exactly what they are.. Debt advice and 30 mins of legal advice is all free so won't cost you more than the courage to ask for it.
Don't underestimate how life with him has changed your thinking. He'll tap and tap away at your resolve for this to be finished. For you it's over, for him it isn't. He's doing anything to buy time to win you back round and is making his life as easy as possible in the meantime. Living with him but not being with him will go one of two ways: a) you'll get back with him because it's easier and he'll be on his best behaviour here and there (but it won't last) b) it'll be horrible for you and pretty tense and difficult for your children and you'll be more unhappy than you are now.
If you're not ready to move on yet that's fine - one step at a time, but please don't listen to just one experience of legal advice and rule it out. And please don't let his parents or anyone else make you feel worthless. His problems are his. He's a grown up. Too much control? Please! If that was the issue he could well have said as much to you and had a grown up discussion about it. That's what adult partners do when they're parenting together. Sounds like you had to be the adult and parent while he cavorted around getting pissed and stoned. Only at the weekends.. You mean only at the time you all have together as a family? So that time meant a lot to him then...
Sounds like his parents are trying to excuse their son's behaviour without giving him ANY of the responsibility. That's bullsh*t.
Start valuing yourself, honey. You're worth more than this. Find out where you stand from people who really know what they're talking about.
Thanks very much. I'm going to contact CAB and debt advice people first u haven't yet read the long comment above with links and numbers will do this when kids are in bed and I have a lot more time to concentrate on it.
You can call here for advice re your debts - they're a charity and very good:
Good luck x
Hi ed Just found your thread.
Big hugs to you sweetheart. I know you are feeling down and emotionally battered by it all, but i do think you need to draw on all the strength you have and focus. You are being swayed all the time by his concessions, promises, ways out etc.
Think of it like stops on a tube train. The start is where you are at now and the end is where you want to be. Write down all the processes as the stops in between in order and do them one at a time. Head down, don't waiver.
Ie, CAB, Sol, House hunt, etc and do not listen to him or your mil and sil.
Do not even have a discussion with him. Pick some mantras.
'this is not up for negioation, '
'I do not wish to discuss this anymore'
'we have tried everything'
'i don't want to be with you anymore'
and keep using them over and over.
Treat him as if you are single- no washing, cooking etc for him.
He really needs to get the message that this is going to happen. He has swayed you so many times, he just thinks this is another one of those times.
pm me if you want to talk privately. x
My situation is very similar to yours. I am currently seeing Mediator to sort out view to separating from DH of 20 years. I have been in Al Anon for 10 years. My DH has been in two treatment centres, I have been to group therapy for wives of alchoholics for 3 years and with all I know, and all the support I've had it is still very hard for me to stay focused how right it is to get out.
Do not underestimate how much work (mental) it will take to keep your priorities straight. Know this:
You are doing really well to see that your life it not good
You are doing really well to suspect your life will never be good while married to an Alcoholic
You are a good mother and worried that your kids will suffer if you leave - they may but it will be nothing to the suffering of staying, of setting them up to go into abusive, dysfunctional relationships when they are older
You will need an enormous amount of support - go to Al Anon it';s free and it really helps
You are married to an addict (and your husband is an addict- whatever he says or you think)
You are co-dependent - which means you will find it hard to make your own life and your kids life a priority. Stay as strong as you are. Put your kids at the centre of your life and let that guide you.
You can't claim as a single person because he would be contributing to the bills and any working adult in the household's income is counted in the calculations for tax credits. I'm not flaming you I have no interest in other people getting benefits etc, it's just the facts.
Do you work at all? (missed that part)
If you work 16 hours or more (or even if you don't work at all) AND you have savings of less than £6000 you may be entitled to some housing benefit and council tax rebate. Get yourself down to CAB pronto and they can calculate how much it would be you would receive. Then you can look at places to rent which would be within your budget.
You sound miserable, like you really want to leave him, it's affecting your health. I understand that, I have been there myself in almost exactly the same situation (Am 25, 2 DC, work, ex drank to excess and selfish also). I know the feeling of not wanting to "split up the family" but the thing is - It's HIM who has split it up by his actions anyway. What I did with my ex was remind him of that whenever he tried to lay a guilt trip on me - it was you by your actions which caused this I tried the best I could for years. I also reiterated to him that it didn't mean he couldn't have a realtionship with the DC (understandable even if they are a b**ta*d that they will be fearful of this).
Good Luck. x x
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