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Told H I want to separate last week he agreed and now...

(59 Posts)
EdwardorEricCantDecide Mon 08-Oct-12 21:29:43

Now he won't move and says he wants to try again etc etc I've tried for 3 long miserable years! And now I've had enough
We own our house although its in negative equity, but neither of us will give up the house!
I really don't want to have to move to a council House and settle kids in a new area move DS to a new nursery etc but I now feel like he's forcing me to.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 09-Oct-12 09:28:51

TC send out forms all the time. Doesn't mean your claim would be accepted.

Fairylea Tue 09-Oct-12 09:33:01

Sorry to hear of your experience foslady.

Op definitely go for divorce.

Fairylea Tue 09-Oct-12 09:36:35

Just wanted to also add that you cannot claim as a lone parent whilst your dp is in the house with you. They generally send someone out to check out new claims - they did with mine. Dp will need a new address and none of his stuff can be there really or they will be suspicious.

EdwardorEricCantDecide Tue 09-Oct-12 09:38:31

Ah so I can't say he's a lodger? as that's exactly what he would be.
I really can't afford a divorce not including the £20K negative equity on the house we are jointly in C£15K of debt more than half of which is mine add divorce fees to that and probably losing the house anyway is be better either staying or declaring myself bankrupt or something confusedsad

EdwardorEricCantDecide Tue 09-Oct-12 09:39:19

And I only earn C£10k PA afternoon bonus.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 09-Oct-12 09:40:01

See.A.Professional. and stop second guessing it with 1) him and 2) us

Fairylea Tue 09-Oct-12 09:41:09

I doubt it as everyone would be doing it !

They'd probably want proper written agreements and then it would be classed as income so you wouldn't be entitled to as much anyway...I'm not sure. You definitely need advice.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 09-Oct-12 09:51:43

You can say he's a lodger but it will be checked up on and you will fail the test. If you are in debt, on a low income, have no realistic possibility of paying it back and if that is keeping you trapped in a bad relationship and preventing you from moving on with your life, talk to one of the free debt advisory services such as CCCS, CAB or National Debtline. There are a range of solutions open to you, up to and including bankruptcy if approprate.

NarcolepsyQueen Tue 09-Oct-12 09:53:30

I got TC after I split with my ex whilst we still shared a house. He had a sep bedroom.

EdwardorEricCantDecide Tue 09-Oct-12 10:02:00

NarcolepsyQueen do you know then is that's the "condition"? I don't have a spare bedroom but for the past few weeks we've taken it in turns to sleep on the couch so I don't think that would even e an option for me.

EdwardorEricCantDecide Tue 09-Oct-12 10:04:37

Will have a look at the debt advice services today and look into solicitors.
I am disappointed because I really thought we could be more amicable than this and could manage without a solicitors. sad

cestlavielife Tue 09-Oct-12 10:09:22

He can't really be a lodger in a house he joint oWns and if you sleep on sofa but share wardrobe with him it won't work will it ? And it isn't a solution. Either he moves or you move. Moving starting afresh isn't so bad . Look at rentals nearby nursery . You can't assume you would get a council house either you would be intentionally homeless surely unless he is violent towards you and you flee to a refuge

GluedToTheCouch Tue 09-Oct-12 10:13:54

I split up from my husband in march and applied for ctc and I.s. the same day. He slept on the sofa when he was at home for the next 2 months till he found a place. I.s took 7 weeks because they had to investigate as we were still in the same house. It is possible, but it's not easy.

Whitecherry Tue 09-Oct-12 10:19:40

You are either a lone parent or you aren't...., you can't be in the same house long term. You might have 'read' it on here, but that would be because it's temporary..... You are trying to find ways round committing benefit fraud!!

Gives us lone parents a bad name this kind of thing

EdwardorEricCantDecide Tue 09-Oct-12 10:35:31

whitecherry no I'm not trying to find ways round commuting benefit fraud!!
I've already said that if what's on this thread is true then yes ill need to find my own place if he's adamant that he won't move!
I came on the relationships board as I stupidly believed I might get some support through the most difficult time in my life!
Never mind eh [silly woman emoticon]
Up until last night I was under the impression that he was moving out! He then comes in and said he's worked too hard for house/family [confised] and won't move as he wants to make it work. I said I don't as I've taken his shit for too long! I then started looking for rentals for myself and realised that to rent a place big enough for me and 2dc would be a LOT more expensive than my current mortgage payments and that I can't afford it. So I now have to look at getting a council place, which may take a long time.
Then this morning he said why don't continue living together as friends get our money sorted etc and take it from there.
ATM I haven't agreed or disagreed to anything! And have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do moving forward!

EdwardorEricCantDecide Tue 09-Oct-12 10:51:58

Commuting = committing

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 09-Oct-12 10:58:44

When you don't know what to do, that's the time to get some RL back-up and then call in the professionals. At the moment emotions are running very high, it's difficult to think straight, you're on the back-foot making a lot of assumptions and you're writing off things that may or may not be possible in reality. The big danger is that you end up doing nothing at all and landing right back where you started with a lazy pot-head, drunk, whispering his own agenda in your ear, ruining your life and that of your DCs.

With some RL support - a friend accompanying you to meetings, for example - and with professional advice about legal matters, finances (debts/benefits), accommodation etc. you'll be better placed to work out what to do next.

CajaDeLaMemoria Tue 09-Oct-12 11:00:55

It would make your situation so much worse to start a claim as a lone parent with him still there. They'd come around, and check it out. It's far too suspicious. You can't be a lodger in a home you own, so he couldn't do it anyway, but even if he signed the house over to you he'd have to pay the market rent and that would count as income for you. They'd check where you sleep - sleeping on the couch would be seen as short term and isn't legal for lodgers anyway - where you keep your clothes, where he keeps his food... Then you'd end up owing TC money, and possibly being investigated for benefit fraud. Don't go there, however tempting he makes it sound.

Seek legal advice today. You can get half an hour free in most places. As you have the children, you have a good chance of being able to stay in the house, as far as my legal knowledge goes. If he won't leave, you'll need to start divorce proceedings and ensure you get what you are legally entitled to for you and your children. It might not be how you wanted it to go, but it very rarely stays amicable if someone behaves like a child, and that is what your husband is doing. He hasn't left you any choice.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 09-Oct-12 11:16:30

Erm, just a minute, you are getting plenty of support here hmm

mummytime Tue 09-Oct-12 11:20:29

You have got plenty of support, its just you don't seem to be willing to listen. Here it is again:
Go and talk to CAB, and get debt advice (as well as benefits tax advice).
Go and talk to a solicitor, you can get 1/2 hour or so of free advice, you maybe entitled to legal aid, if you are you need to act fast because the rules are changing soon.

People on here are not (or even if they are, it is an anonymous forum so you can't be sure they are) experts! You need proper advice.

People here will support you, but not to commit benefit fraud or act illegally.

olgaga Tue 09-Oct-12 11:32:34

You might find this useful:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce – Advice and Links

It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.


If there are children involved, their welfare, needs and interests are paramount. Parents have responsibilities, not rights, in this regard. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It does not mean equal (50/50) parenting time - children are not possessions to be “fairly” divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (“Statement of Arrangements for Children”). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - “Residence and Contact” regarding children, “Financial Order” or “Ancillary Relief” in the case of Finance. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don’t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation – there’s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don’t just stick with the first lawyer you find – shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you’re happy with.

If you can’t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law.

You can also find out about Legal Aid and get advice on the Community Legal Advice Helpline on 08345 345 4 345

Co-operative Legal Services offer DIY/Self-Help Divorce packages, as well as a Managed Divorce service. Their fee structure is more transparent and they have a telephone advice line as well as offering really good advice on their website:

You can read advice and search by area for a family lawyer here:

You will also read good advice and find a family lawyer here:

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients – Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.


You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it’s important to have that first.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:

Legal Rights and issues around contact are further explained here:

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read – there are others of course:


Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements – savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

If you have no access to financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway. If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order (follow the links below). This seeks financial information from both parties going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:

Handy tax credits calculator:

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:

Parenting issues:

Other Support for Women – Children, Housing, Domestic Violence and - Helpline 0808 2000 247 - Helpline 0844 8044 999 - Helpline 0808 802 0925
(Note that there is usually an appropriate link on these websites for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ.

EdwardorEricCantDecide Tue 09-Oct-12 11:42:31

All my RL support which there isn't much of are telling me that I should stay at least till the kids are much older. Understandably sometimes I have my doubts as to wether or not I am doing the right thing.
My aunt has recently gone through something v similar and she used her free half hour of solicitor advice then paid the solicitor to send letters to her ex etc the end result was a year of misery for her sleeping on my grans sofa and as he refused to sell their house or buy her out she's now back living with him miserably
His family are now saying that really the reason he's turned out this way is because I took too much control when dc were born. And that its me who's changed so I owe it to him to go to counselling etc.
I really don't think I do have the stomach for divorce certainly not ATM.
I'm sorry I know that I have been given support by some on the thread but to me it feels like everyone is telling me I'm a criminal/fraudster which I absolutely am not! I've never claimed any benefits other than CB and CTC in my life and have been in full time employment paying my taxes etc since leaving school.
Yes emotions are certainly running high ATM up until yesterday I felt happy thinking that he had finally admitted that it wasn't working and we could both move on. Today I feel stressed, I can't stop crying and just feel really sick.
My poor dc have had the tv babysitting them all morning sad

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 09-Oct-12 11:48:08

we are not saying you are a criminal ! We are simply telling you that the route your husband is suggesting is not possible.

I think you need to cast your net a bit wider on the RL support front, tbh. What you are currently getting is shit, and being given by people with an agenda of their own/based on situations that are nothing like your own

independent advice is your way forward

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 09-Oct-12 11:50:13

I am really sorry you are feeling so bad, love.

It's no way to live sad

Would divorce really be worse than 30 more years (or more|) of this ?

There is no magic "cut off" when the children become "older"

GCSE's, another birthday, another Xmas you don't want to "ruin"

while you slowly die inside

solidgoldbrass Tue 09-Oct-12 11:50:38

The main thing to accept is that this man is a selfish prick and he is not going to be reasonable, so stop searching for the magic button that will suddenly make him 'understand' that he has to accept the divorce and do his best to make him easy.

He wants to carry on living in the house and having his meals cooked and his pants washed, that's all. So ignore anything and everything he says, just smile politely and go about your plans ie see a solicitor, talk to the CAB and one of the debt management companies, and proceed as they all advise (whether that's a matter of finding a new home to rent for you and DC or obtaining an occupation order to force this man out of the house). You do not need his permission or his co-operation to get rid of him. It is not and never going to be a good idea to put up with a selfish and unpleasant man living in the family home - the bad atmosphere affects the children, and abusive men like this one actively harm the children, by lying to them and manipulating them and scaring them.

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