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Will tonight be the end ? Hand holding please

(54 Posts)
Istonightthenight Mon 08-Oct-12 19:18:24

My dh has abused me verbally when drunk. I had a couple of threads on here over the years. I had some wonderful advice and support.
He had not done it far ages and promises faithfully he won't ever do it again.
He has gone out for a drink tonight for the first time in 2 years since he last did it.
If he does it again it is over. The children heard last time and it was awful and I will def end our marriage if he ever gets like that again.
Please hold my hand and pray he honours his promise and has a nice evening and is fine when he comes home later.
I am nervous.

recall Mon 08-Oct-12 19:20:25

Holding your hand tight !

Istonightthenight Mon 08-Oct-12 19:22:43

Thank you.
That op makes me sound pathetic.
I wonder if I should have taken him back but he goes literally years between incidents. If it were regular it would have been an easy decision.
It is up to him now. His choice.

Bubblegum78 Mon 08-Oct-12 19:25:54


My honest opinion, I would leave anyway, you can't live your life scared and walking on eggshells.

You have enough reason to walk, you don't need anymore.

<squeezing hand tighly> xx

Doha Mon 08-Oct-12 19:27:09

Another hand to hold here.

ScaryBOOAlot Mon 08-Oct-12 19:29:13

His choice. Exactly. You have been far more forgiving than you had to be, have given him the chance.

Holding your hand. x

Istonightthenight Mon 08-Oct-12 19:29:18

My life is great good in every way but my h is horrible occasionally when he has had a drink.

The good far far outweighs the bad at the moment.

If he does it again it is over. His choice. He knows this. He knows it is not acceptable.
I just hope it does not happen tonight and he proves he can be normal and have a drink and a good evening out and all be ok like a normal person.

Istonightthenight Mon 08-Oct-12 19:30:07

Thanks. My stomach is churning.

Doha Mon 08-Oct-12 19:31:16

When did he say he would be back?. Is there anything you can be doing to distract you for a wee while?

GeordieCherry Mon 08-Oct-12 19:31:24

Al Anon. They have saved my life & I don't say that lightly!

PM me if you'd like more info. Hope it goes ok, here's a hand smile

hoopieghirl Mon 08-Oct-12 19:59:18

My father treated my mother in the same fashion when I was a child. When sober he was very introverted dour even. When he had a drink he became cocky and vindictve down right nasty to my mum and my siblings. Hated hearing the key in the door wondering what kind of mood he would be in. Hope all goes well for you. Keeping u in my thoughts x

Istonightthenight Mon 08-Oct-12 20:04:52

We have been out together and he has been fine.
This is the first time he had been out without me.
I can't believe the effect on me even though it has been 2 years and all has been 100% fine. It was about 4 years before that.
I am calming down a bit now.

I thought about al anon when things were really bad. I was too scared to go. It is our dirty secret still and very few people know.

When do you expect him back?

Istonightthenight Mon 08-Oct-12 20:08:52

He said he will be back 10 ish. We both have work tomorrow.

QuintessentialShadows Mon 08-Oct-12 20:10:10

<offers hand>

When do you reckon he should be back?

You can not live with this fear. sad

GeordieCherry Mon 08-Oct-12 20:17:06

They key is Anon. There are people who go who have lived through the most awful things. We keep each others anonymity & that keeps us safe.

Would be very happy to talk through more. I want everyone who needs us to find us! blush

Istonightthenight Mon 08-Oct-12 20:23:03

I am really hoping that chapter of my life is over.
If he does it again it is over.
Looking back I was depressed possibly pnd and I put up with it as I could not do anything else. I was not strong enough.
He knows I am strong now and we have worked hard on our relationship and now we are genuinely happy.
I hope he does not throw it away.
The scars are there still hence this thread. He knows he will lose us.
Do you have to talk at al anon ?

ilovemyteddies Mon 08-Oct-12 20:50:42

thanks OP

Lots of prayers and hand holding thoughts here. Whatever happens, you're a good, caring, committed, person smile

50shadesofknackered Mon 08-Oct-12 20:54:50

I really hope everything is fine when he gets back (((hugs)))

Arithmeticulous Mon 08-Oct-12 20:57:36

Do you have a video camera or voice recorder option on your phone?

Istonightthenight Mon 08-Oct-12 21:02:25

I have recorded him before and he knows it.
I also called the police when it was really bad and he knows that too. He had a hell of a shock when he went to the GP and it was on their system. I guess any DV gets flagged when children involved.
That was a lot of years ago though and things are fine now. He knows I will, take steps and so far so good. We have come a long long way from the really bad times.
I still have the memories and that horrible feeling of dread.

To be fair he has just rang and so far so good.

ilovemyteddies Mon 08-Oct-12 21:08:33

You've obviously both put a lot of effort into sorting things smile, well done.

One concept I find handy when facing stressful situations is to acknowledge that after a certain point it's out of your control.

Just give in to knowing that whatever is going to happen, WILL happen. Yes, you will feel bad for a while if the worst happens, which it could, and things will be shit.

BUT that's a feeling and a situation, for a time, that you will fee and be in, and then you will get through it. You're more than the situation you are in.

MillyStar Mon 08-Oct-12 21:10:39

Hun the only way he will stop will be if he stops drinking, he may well be fine tonight but there will be a next time sooner or later.

You shouldn't be sat worrying because your other half has gone to the pub

I put up with two years of what you are waiting for at least once a month, I had our baby in April, the first time he did it in front of her he was gone, I grew up listening to my mum being verbally abused and trust me it really messes you up, for your kids please stick to your word to leave next time he does it, if you have sons you are telling them that's how to treat women and if you have daughters there Is a big chance they will end up being treated that way

He won't change

AnyFucker Mon 08-Oct-12 21:11:19

I am very sorry you find yourself living like this. It must be horrible. It isn't compulsory, though.

TessCowDirect Mon 08-Oct-12 21:12:08

I will hold your hand BUT as somebody who grew up with domestic violence I would urge you to consider leaving.

You can't spend your life worrying about whether he is going to do it again and your DC will hear and it will affect them.

I used to lie in bed at night waiting to hear my dad come through the door, Praying and praying that he would not start hitting my mother. My mother didn't know I heard. My earliest memory - I could not have been more than 5 years old. As we got older, the violence was directed at us also.

My mother kept thinking he would change but he never did.

I am 50 now and it still haunts me.

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