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Distant dh ea too late once starting?

(3 Posts)
Waterwater Mon 08-Oct-12 13:31:37

Hoping for other perspectives please. Background is loads of problems last few years .

Dh wants to give up. However i dont know if hes leaving my depression really. On phone so sorry rambly. I've given as much back story as poss to see if anyone thinks I should just give uP too. The last week I've been v calm, eating properly, exercising, roots done, coping with my job and house.

Dd 7 has had lots of problems then diagnosed asd 18 months ago (I'd suspected anyway) she's very clever with no learning disabilities just really the emotional/ social diff that make simple things much harder work . Older son 17 diagnosed also with same probs. he appears fine out of house but repetitive and quite hard work . Both lovely bright funny kids.

Been with dh 24 years. Split up for approx 2 years when son was 2 and being diagnosed. Always thought I'd be on top of distancing behaviour and not fall for the whole "am I going mad" ever again. However we've had so many probs last few years ive got v depressed and don't recognise myself. Dh being distant etc finally registered and I'm suspicious he's either there or half way to an ea.

He has city type job but involves 4 nights away a week as he attends things all over country. It's a job with endless black tie events, lunches and dinners out and meeting new people. He is also occasionally away weekends for sporting event corp entertainment.

Meanwhile I work from home and do absolutely everything yo run house, kids, even his tax returns. 4 years ago we had no debt and sold house with equity in bank. We've now lost that due to the previous co he worked for going under. He was promised this, that and other and worked for free. Prior to that we'd invested all equity into work things that went kaput. He was trying freelance for year then got this current job 2 years ago. We now have 40 grand on credit. Cards that I try yo pat (he does earn v good salary but everything in a muddle and I waste money on household shopping as been unable to get a grip on anything.

The problem I have is that I've challenged him on being distant etc and he's admitted to noticing how happy and flirtatious other women are with him and doesn't think we should flog dead horse anymore.

I'd accept this if I recognised myself but I've been v depressed for a year and on self destruct. I've put on 3 1/2 stone. Wear the same jeans every day until they need replacing and. Uh new pair( wash them though!)

However, myself - sometimes I don't wAsh for couple of days and never style my hair. I have grey roots 2 inches long against my dark hair and not had cut in 6 months (have lots of wavy hair so does need managing).

Dh has over last year asked me to attend few things with him but I just say nothing to wear etc.

Also ive been in bad mood. Snapping with quite muddled thinking and simple things take ages have so wanted to get on top of myself but not known how. My appearance means quite a lot to me and I don't feel myself looking this way.

Now we've had chat I see our financial problems seem to be less important and that me being so unhappy I've pushed him away. Sometimes I don't speak to him for couple of days when he's away as I feel so boring it's not good to hear things he's up to as it makes me see myself in contrast to all the attractive women he works with.

He's good looking and always had females coming on to him. He's not naturally responsive so not usually prob. However he says he's aware there are sev women that if he wanted to return full on attention they'd be very keen.

I can't say I blame him. No interest in sex (usually would) but feel dead inside and disgusting on outside and I have nothing to say to anyone( not just dh).

I feel much calmer since being told he doesn't want to be with me as I don't want to be with me either. I want to change. Don't want anti d will deal with through exercise and healthy eating which I know I can do once my brain has stopped this massive panic state I've been in.

Dh says I don't turn him on, we seem to have cerebral connection etc.
He doesn't remember me ever being any different and doesn't believe I can ChangE ( this is the rewriting history that makes me wonder if an ea has started already rather than him just a general thing.
I do remember being diff this time last year had good family holidAy and he now says we got on just as parents.

I need to rediscover myself and pride again for myself however think if I give up on marriage now then he's not leaving me. He would be leaving the version I became but am binning.

I know that once an ea has started it doesn't matter what I do as he would have moved on. However just wanted someone's perspective who can see wher e I'm coming from?

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 08-Oct-12 17:42:55

By EA, I am assuming you mean emotional affairs.

The distancing sounds like a typical sign of him having an affair.

Why do you think it is just emotional and not physical?

I wonder if your depression is partly because of his behaviour - often cheaters are selfish people and the distancing/suspicions etc can be a real head fuck.

It sounds like you have a lot to cope with having special needs DC - I wonder if you both have equal amounts of child free leisure time.

Waterwater Mon 08-Oct-12 18:13:52

Thanks for responding. Yeah I do mean emotional not physical yet, I don't think.

The reason I've got my head a bit more straight is that things seemed to make a bit more sense a couple of weeks ago. He occasionally works from home. A female colleague (Z) he works closely with and is senior to was doing a course which happened to be in our home town. He'd told me this.

On that day he said a bit later I'm going to give Z a lift home. Bearing in mind he is away loads and I never, ever quiz what he's up to - I immediately sensed it to be inappropriate. I said she'll be dropped at the station where there is super fast train into London in 20 mins. You're barely ever here and you're going to give up a good 3 hours driving a capable adult to their front door? He was really taken aback and said he had no idea it would seem inappropriate and would say something had come up and cancel.

Later that week turns out he told her I wasn't happy about it and that was the reason as he said it looked odd just changing his mind. He said her husband wasn't entirely surprised I'd found it odd but apparently didn't say he wasn't happy. My thinking is he shouldn't be telling her that I wasn't happy in the first place as that's something of the "window" scenario I've seen mentioned on here often.

I know all his passwords, however I can't say I've checked any messages really as I've been of the understanding he can't have anything to hide. However, I decided to check a couple of emails that were deleted from her (there were lots of other people's deleted ones too) and I wasn't entirely happy.

As I work from home I don't have any of the flirty round robin emails etc so don't know if I'm being bit more concerned that I need to. The first one I noticed was just from her saying famous woman had asked me to send you this link (laying on bed backside exposed) (v similar build/shape etc. to Z).

The other one was along lines of drinking joke he said. The title was "feeling horny" and once opened was a photo of drinking helmet (festival shortly or something). He's sure she sent it to everyone - I'm not so sure really, as I've never liked the sound of Z. I did see his response and it was innocent and in line with the theme. I don't know if she's pushing with the saucy emails to get a reaction etc.

My ds met Z on work experience and really disliked her said she acted like a 13 year old giggling all the time. He said she was like girls younger than him at school.

Kind of feels like two weeks ago he was sleep walking into the ea without realising - now he must realise as I've told him i've seen messages etc combined with him being distant, thinking of her "getting home " etc. He said he would absolutely have offered a male colleague the same. I really don't know.

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