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Fantasies of turning the tables on abusive DH(356 Posts)
My DH is sometimes physically abusive.
About twice a year or so (almost invariably alcohol related) he will lose his temper push me, pull my hair, scream in my face, pin me down, intimidate me an in the most extreme scenario has choked me (momentarily) ad held a knife at my eye level.
The rest of the time he is extremely affectionate, loving and kind. As they are.
This weekend he went out with the lads and got utterly wasted and rolled in at 5am. I don't mind this and occasionally do the same myself on a night out with the girls. What I did mind is I asked him to do 2 simple things - not to lose the bank card because it is the only way we had of paying for anything and to make sure he kept enough cash for the taxi because we didn't have any in the house.
Needless to say he came back without cash or card. Plus his shirt was ripped as he ha been fighting. I was not best pleased.
So the next morning at about lunchtime I woke him and gave him a bitchy and sarcastic piece of my mind. Whereat he shouted at me, grabbed me, pinned me on the bed and choked me. Then said it was my fault for pushing his buttons (hollow laugh).
Yes I know I should leave him but I won't be for a huge number of reasons I won't go into.
The point of this post is, has anyone else, having been in this position, had subsequent fantasies where they drug and tie up their partner and then when they wake up do exactly to them what they did to you?
He has apologized, begged forgiveness, says he will never touch me again blah blah blah. But lying in bed last night all I could think of was how much I wanted to see HIM lying there helpless while I scream in his face with a knife in my hand and choke him until he can't breathe and show him just how it feels to be helpless and afraid and completely powerless to make it stop. I want him to see hate and viciousness in my face and to feel visceral fear.
And I want to do it so much I almost feel like I could.
I have forgiven, made allowances, tried to love him and understand how his abusive childhood has damaged him, I have paid for his therapy and medication, I have moved on and put these things behind me so many times. Now, all of a sudden, I don't want to do that any more. I don't want to leave him, for me the good currently does actually outweigh the bad. But I do want to punish him and show him how it feels.
Is it just me?
If you were to enact your fantasy in rl and tied him up before doing unto him what he's so often done to you, you'd have to leave him tied up forever because, if released, he'd kill you.
I hope you've made a Will which assigns guardianship of your babies to responsible, loving, and non-violent, adults in the event of your premature death.
Be very careful please, OP. He has got into the habit of choking you. That is so dangerous. It would be all too easy, in drink and in a rage, for him to go too far and kill or seriously injure you. If you are going to stay for the time being, plan your escape, and avoid him completely when he is drunk. Don't provoke him-what would your children do without you?
You say his childhood is to blame?
You do realise your children are heading for the same childhood?
If you won't spend "a few months" sorting out seperation for you, do it for them. You are supposed to be the one on their side, it's up to you to prevent them witnessing and suffering the same way (and they will, as they grow up).
I havent worked in the field for years but when I was doing childcare law one of the factors SS used in removing children was sustained violence in the home with the victim not taking steps to remove the children from that environment
This is scary - you are actually expressing a preference for the kind of violence your partner metes out to you. What kind of message does this send, apart from reinforcing your own sense that this is your role in the relationship? You making him feel guilty isn't any kind of weapon/revenge; that's a delusion.
And you have babies. Honestly, children are very sensitive to tension, fear, bad atmospheres between adults. They're likely to sense when things are wrong. What would it take for you to protect them from this man in the future? Divorce doesn't have to be stage one.
Why do you think? Don't we all had the same script us Stupid Stayers. Because we want the good bit. The bit between the abuse.
If he was emotionally abusive, finacially abusive, verbally abusive even more regularly physically abusive it would be easy to make the choice to go. But he is like this twice a year. And the rest of the time he is great. Seriously great. Caring, devoted, goes out of his way to be helpful, domesticated, thoughtful, supportive, great company, boosts my confidence, tells me how amazing I am and how lucky he is to be with me, is considerate, rubs my feet, makes dinner, plays educational games with the toddlers every day, is playful, sings nursery rhymes each morning and night, washes the car, mows the lawn, offers to help out our friends, works hard, listens to my moans, tries to take pressure off me, never ogles other women, does the ironing, surprises me with home made cards on Mother's Day, buys my favorite Ben and Jerry's, attempts to be sexually satisfying in a non selfish fashion, you name it he does it.
And occasionally gets pissed rageful and violent. Yay.
You asked him to slap you. But you haven't had any influence/control on his behaviour in the past, what makes you think he is going to follow your desperate request and not squeeze your throat harder one day. This is no way a laudable insurance or in anyway assuring....
So what. Mine and all my friends husbands do all that and more only without the violent bit .
Does that one issue outweigh everything else?
I tell myself I have boundaries - they just aren't the same as other people's.
The occasional choking in private can be accepted.
If he ever even raised his voice in front of the kids I'd be gone.
How fucked up.
If he chokes you, what's to stop him hurting the children?
OP -post at 14:17-And you are prepared to put your life on the line for that?
the occasional choking in private can be accepted WTAF???!! do you not know he COULD KILL YOU??? im really sorry for shouting, but what abut your children?? they need you!!
people have auto asphyxiation sex games, consenting adults, they go wrong!! people die ffs.
and your children are not babies then, they are toddlers,that are old enough for educational games they can hear mummy and daddy, daddy choking mummy fgs. please i'm begging you try and think of this in a different way.
"Don't we all had the same script us Stupid Stayers. Because we want the good bit. The bit between the abuse"
You realise that most people get exclusively 'the good bit' and there is no abuse at all? You realise that in normal, healthy relationships, no-one chokes anyone, either in private or anywhere else?
You may say you are happy with your different boundaries but your fantasies of scaring him and your terrible feelings of anger say the polar opposite.
Why is the fact that they don't talk yet relevant?
And even when they do start talking it will probably be several years before they can say anything along the lines of "you're a useless wanker and I can't believe how incredibly angry I am with your disgusting behavior" when he comes in at 4am drunk. Which is what invariably triggers his abuse. I know. I don't know why I say it either. Zero instinct for self preservation.
no, they don't talk, but they can get scared, recognize anger and fear in their parents voices, i'm really sorry, i don't want to sound like i'm having a go,but you seem to see yourself as worthless, that you alone are not enough reason to stop this appalling behaviour.
So will it stop when they can talk? or are you happy for them to live with this because you are?
Carry on as you are, honey, and you may find that you won't be talking because he's crushed your larynx or worse.
The occasional choking in private can be accepted.
How would you react if, in 20 years, one of your children came out with this line with regard to his/her relationship?
If he was emotionally abusive, financially abusive, verbally abusive even more regularly physically abusive it would be easy to make the choice
NO IT WOULDN'T you would still be making excuses for staying and saying that the good outweighs the bad, that's how abuse works. The abuser does just a little bit more, just a little bit worse as it escalates and you just put up because the "good outweighs the bad" until the penny drops that it doesn't.
No abuse is the acceptable amount, your children are being damaged in the same way that he was, you are condoning it and you even know that it is a script.
WAKE UP: if he wants to stop he can stop...he wasn't drunk the last time he hurt you, he is choosing it, he can get help from an abusers programme, where can your children go to get help?
And he doesn't have to drink alcohol, he chooses that. Would you drink a drop if you knew you were likely to strangle/choke/hurt your partner afterwards...I'd be sworn off it for life.
It is not brave to stand up and tell him "this is not acceptable" because your actions show him that it is.
And before you make some more excuses...I have left and I do know what it takes.
You are being incredibly blinkered if you think that his abuse to you will not affect your children. Please read this, this, and this.
Don't be deluded into believing that your children need to see you being abused to be adversely affected by it. They just need to live with it.
If you can't end this situation for your sake, you need to do it for your children.
you are still blaming yourself for triggering this violent abusive bastard into choking you? it's not your fault, it's his!!
So if your child is assaulted by their dad because of something they say to him, will you say "Oh X you have no instinct for self preservation"? and just tell them that there are certain things they can't say around dad in order to avoid being attacked?
Yes what a stupid excuse making cunt I am thanks for that.
He may choke me but you've made me feel worse about myself than he ever has.
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