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Any advice on dealing with the police re my ex(13 Posts)
I have posted before elsewhere on MN about my ex, under a different name, but have namechanged to ask this question.
My ex was very sexually abusive towards me. It was a number of years ago, but I have always felt that I should have reported him to the police as (for various reasons) I do not believe that his behaviour towards women will have changed. I would like to be able to log the information with the police, and so if anyone else chose to report him, perhaps the information I had provided would help support their case. I do not want the police to investigate/press charges just on the basis of the info that I could provide, as I do not want to risk going through a court case myself.
If I could log this information with the police, I think it would really help me to feel less guilty/responsible (if that makes sense).
I contacted Rape Crisis and was told that I would probably not be able to just log the info, as the police have to investigate all reports of rape, even historical rape.
They referred me to my local rape support centre, where I again asked the same question. The person I saw there had not come across someone just wanting to log the info before (which surprised me as I would have thought many women would like to log the information but would be too afraid to want to take things further through the courts).
But she spoke to the police on my behalf, and it seems that it will be possible for me to just log the information. However, she did say to me that she thinks the police will try to get me to report it properly, so that they can investigate.
I have an appointment with the police later this week, and am wondering again whether it actually is possible just to log the information, or whether I will come under a lot of pressure to take it further? I just wondered whether anyone out there who has experience of dealing with the police in these types of situations knows whether I will end up having to report it 'properly' or whether the info can just be logged? Thanks
Slightly different circumstances but a friend of mine was sexually assaulted a couple of years ago by someone in her circle of friends. After it happened it emerged he had a history of this, a lot of stories came from other women in their circle as well as indications he was a regular sex tourist interested in young Thai girls etc. She went through the police with the assistance of Rape Crisis (her case went to court) and they did take note of all the above, however I'm not sure what they did with it or what form it took, ie I'm not sure if there's an official record of it anywhere or whether it was only used in relation to her case.
OP I think you are doing a very brave thing, and even just logging it could help if other people have, or do report anything similar. It is difficult to advise on this, though, because each force has different policies and procedures, and even individual police officers will have subtly different ways of doing things.
I would tell the officer you speak to all your concerns, and what you want to achieve, before you go into the details of what happened, then they can explain exactly what options there are, in relation to your situation specifically. I would be very surprised if anyone tried to pressure you into doing anything you weren't comfortable with though.
There have been certain recommendations are intended to influence the way in which the police gather and record information in respect of rape and other sexual offences but, as yet, not all police forces have implemented the necessary changes.
May I ask if you live in the Greater London area?
Thanks for the replies. Izzy I am not in Greater London, am elsewhere in South East?
I really want to be able to log the info but without my ex knowing as I am afraid of him finding out where I live and coming looking for me. I am now married to someone else and very happy, but if he knew who I am with now he would be angry about that anyway, aside from the issue of me contacting police. So I really don't want him to get a visit from the police.
Even if he did get a visit, which I would hope would not happen without your say so, there is no way the police would give him your address. They would also have no reason to tell him anything about your personal life, such as who you are with now!
NOt - Sorry I didn't make that clear - I realize the police wouldn't give him my address or tell him anything about my personal life. I am concerned because my maiden name was unusual, and my married surname is very unusual. Therefore I worry it would not take much for my ex to discover via the internet where I live and who I am now with.
The police will be guided by what you want (not least because there's no chance of them getting your ex charged with anything if you don't give a formal statement of complaint). They will do all they can to satisfy themselves that you definitely don't want to take things further, if only because they are so frequently criticised for failing to support victims of sexual crime. To this end they will make you aware of the various measures that can be put in place to support victims of sexual offences if they do want the offender prosecuted. Having done all that, they will record what you have to say and retain it on their intelligence database, which can be searched if your ex is dealt with in the future. However, this will not be available to other police forces which may be relevant if your ex is now in a different police area. If he is, you can still report the offences to your local force for onward transmission to his local force.
OP, I work for a south eastern police force so I can tell you what would happen in my force.
If an allegation of a crime is made we are duty bound to fully investigate it. It would be a domestic incident which is are priority incidents in our force bound by lots of "strategy" and other gumpf. You simply would not be able to record it "for information" I'm afraid. I know this is not what you want to hear but if you pick up the phone you will need to do this in the knowledge that a long, difficult process is about to unfold - over which you have no control. The Crown prosecutes, not you, and if the police/cps decided that there was sufficient evidence and public interest in pursuing the matter to court you would be unable to stop it.
Unfortunately lots of peopel report things to the police without the faintest idea of the can of worms that is about to be opened. The last thing I want to do is put people off reporting things to the police (which is what I feel this "positive arrest" policy does once victims realise what is set in motion once they dial 999) but I feel you should go into it with your eyes wide open.
^ wanted to clarify what I mean above - I feel that regular victims of DV simply stop phoning for help because they don't want to give statements/go to court/deal with the whole aftermath.
While I am absolutely totally in favour of prosecuting these scumbag men and understand the reasons behind taking decisions away from the victims, having victims deciding not to call for help simply to avoid the court process is really not good.
i think the policy may vary from force to force at the moment - i would ask before you go ahead with anything.
i believe that in my force, you can log incidents without actually going through with a prosecution - at the moment we are "victim led" - that said, i know that domestic issues are treated differently with "positive action" being required - that said, there are ways to get around that.
i would talk to the force unofficially before you report officially - see what their policy is - ask the question outright - can you log incidences of sexual abuse without making a complaint.
do that first before you reveal anything.
Thank you for these replies, they really helped clarify my thoughts before I spoke to the police.
I did check exactly what the policy was first. I was able to give the info that I wanted to, but the info has been recorded as intelligence rather than allegations. Apparently it just needed to be written up in a different format, and I was assured that there would be no investigation.
Thanks again x
I am really glad to hear you went, and got the response you were hoping for!
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