Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
DH abuse case has come to nothing(23 Posts)
DH was abused by a 'father figure' (not his father!) for years from approx. 9 until he was 13-14. He was thoroughly groomed- even taken on holiday- and until a few years ago was even still in touch with this man. I have been quietly suggesting he go to the police for years.
When I fell pregnant again in January something in his head finally shifted and he went to the police. Now, after months of to-ing and fro-ing, they have called him and said there's nothing they can do. It seems as long as this man says "no, that didn't happen" that's that. DH even suspects, and told them, that this man was responsible for an assault on a young boy which was reported in the papers where the man lives (car and man matched description given) but I don't think they even looked into that.
I know they can't charge people willy nilly on just words but I feel so cheated for DH; it took a lot for him to sit and tell his story. Plus I suspect this vile man knows where we live.
Anyway, I just wanted to get it down.
I am really sorry to read this. Has your H been offered any follow-up support following his disclosure ? Is he ok ? Does he feel better for finally telling ?
Thanks AF. He has been offered a counsellor who deals with abuse but has not taken it up- I will ask him again if he intends to. He sounded sanguine when they told him- "It's what I expected"- but I think he wanted this guy marked (by the law) so everyone knows what he is.
I know he was quite seriously thinking of a way to kill him when he first told me about it (not any more- unless this guy turns up at our door then I might do it myself ) He phoned up on our landline New Year 2010 to wish DH a happy new year like an old buddy. DH wasn't here so I said I'd pass it on- then he told me his name and I realised who he was.
If he thinks this man is still actively abusing boys, would there be any merit in him doing like the Saville victims at the moment, going more public and encouraging others who have experience of this man out of the woodwork? The tactic also worked in some of the priest abuser cases. It seems that isolated accusations can't always be successfully prosecuted because it is one word against another, but if two or three people make the same accusation then the police can treat them as corroborating evidence.
How would he go about that kind of action? Thankfully he doesn't live in the same town any more but he's still near. Short of leafleting his neighbourhood (which would satisfy me immensely I have to say) I don't know how we'd find out about other victims. DH said the man had photographs of other boys but that was years ago. I don't even know if the police searched his home or just interviewed him.
I don't know how you'd do it exactly but there must be possibilities present with social media, local press and similar communication channels. Are there any charities that support victims of childhood abuse? Could they suggest anything that would improve his chances pursuing a prosecution? If he was taken on holiday by this man, for example, can he remember where and would anyone be happy to act as witness on his behalf?
I expect there are even holiday photos- it doesn't prove anything more than a friendly guy taking a disadvantaged kid away on holiday. That's what makes me even more angry- DH was bullied at school because he was poor, his mum was/is an alcoholic. This fucking fucker took advantage, playing the kindly rescuer. DH didn't stand a chance.
I will see how DH is feeling later and see if he has any plans in mind.
That's how the priests got away with it for so long. Parents not suspicious of holy-men. Priest looks like a friendly guy helping out disadvantaged kids. In those cases it took a few victims to speak out together before anything really got going.
Cogito, peeriebear - if DH wanted to 'go public' and find out if others had been abused by the guy he would have to be really careful about defamation. I know he is telling the truth and therefore it's not really defamation, but as the case has failed you have no legal 'proof' that the guy is an abuser. For example if you did leaflet his neighbourhood (I know you won't!) he would almost definitely be able to sue you for a lot of money because he could argue that you have damaged his reputation with no justification. Saville is dead, and you can't defame the dead which is why his victims are coming forward now - they are safe from that.
I'm not saying don't try to find other victims, but just be very careful about what you say about the abuser himself, or do it very privately, perhaps finding one potential victim at a time and asking them privately. Also, I agree with Cogito that some charities may be able to help you with information about prosecution. Did you get round to contacting any lawyers about the case?
I am very sorry for your DH, he must be feeling shit atm.
Its a nightmare - I was also going to post you have to be careful now about what you say, sadly.
I believe your DH absolutely and I would even if the abuser turned put to be my own DH.
This country needs to wake up to the fact that the system is flawed to the point where systematic child abuse is practically unpunishable.
I was thinking about this. If someone has the courage to stand up and says j'accuse and the guy tries to prosecute for defamation, it puts the case in the papers and may give other victims the confidence to come forward. However, if the man is guilty he probably wouldn't press charges for fear of being exposed... and that might give the OP's DH more confidence. It's either that or you wait until the man is dead. And then there is no justice.
Oh, I'd love to name and shame him in every medium possible in every corner of the land but I/we won't. I'd like even more to let DH carry out his original plot (it had shades of Kevin Khatchadourian).
I'm being flippant. Well, mostly. DH wouldn't do anything to the guy now. For one thing they'd know where to come straight away and now he has a family and isn't the angry young guy he was.
No we didn't get as far as a lawyer unfortunately. Guy was only interviewed, not arrested or charged.
I might look through newspaper archives for the assault story and see if anything can be gleaned from it.
Oh sorry for your DH and sorry for you, too. It is always a kick in the guts when a person who has been abused is then rejected by the very services who are supposed to protect them.
I hope he does take up the offer of counselling. It's a lot to cope with.
If someone has the courage to stand up and says j'accuse and the guy tries to prosecute for defamation, it puts the case in the papers and may give other victims the confidence to come forward. However, if the man is guilty he probably wouldn't press charges for fear of being exposed... and that might give the OP's DH more confidence
Oh no, I completely disagree. Defending a defamation action could bankrupt you, and would subject you to 2+ years of horrible stress. And plenty of people sue on allegations they know perfectly well to be true. Liberace sued the Mirror for suggesting he was gay, for God's sake (and won).
Your DH has already done a very brave thing, and marked this man's card. There is little more he can do if the CPS is not going to prosecute, except be ready and willing to speak up if he's ever charged with abuse of someone else.
I know my friends family has been warned about facing harassment charges and this is for something that has been charged and all over the local press.
It does rather seem that all the rights lay with the abuser.
Two things to remember:-
Firstly - there would have been a time when the police turned up at this man's door and he would have been scared he was going to prison. He would have had sleepless nights about it. Your husband gave him those sleepless bigs.
The second is that I think he will not be able to pass a CRB check any more. I don't know if he works with kids but he sounds the type who would or could in your future. Because of your husband's bravery he will no longer be able to be in a position of power with children. As a parent I thank him for doing this.
It's not enough - your husband deserves proper justice - but it is something.
Having simply told the police might be more cathartic and helpful to your DH than you think OP. Saying it to someone in authority and having them at least look into it can be incredibly validating, which is something a lot of abuse victims crave. It is very disappointing and sad that nothing came of it, but don't discount the help it's been to him so far.
How is your DH doing day to day?
As far as I am aware, they tend to "invite people to interview", rather than turn up at the door, but I agree with Cailin, I am sure the police and CPS believed DH, its just the burden on the CPS is there has to be at least a 70% chance of conviction based on the evidence to get it to court.
Its very sad, that so many abusers walk free, your husband did the right thing and he is a very brave man for doing so.
Day to day he is fine- he even jokes about it sometimes (black humour indeed!)
I will encourage him to use the counsellor again. I don't think he's against it, I just think he's so busy day-to-day it's easy to put it off.
Yes mummytokatie I take small gratification from the idea of that fat fuck sweating in the interview room.
Thank you for all your replies He is a world away from that poor bullied kid now and if he ever met the man these days he could easily tear his head off. He is still very insecure underneath and needing validation but I tend to forget sometimes as his cocky confident front is so good. I will tell him again how much guts it took to go through with it all.
Actually, OP, please tell him THANK YOU from me. As we know from the Jimmy Savile case, so many people don't speak out. I'd like to celebrate someone who has. Because I know (from personal experience) how VERY hard it is.
Hopefully if someone else did come forward, your husband's prior complaint would make them take it more seriously. So it wasn't all for nothing.
I hesitate to butt in but I think he will go to counselling if he is ready, and not before, as long as he knows where to go.
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.