Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Password and phones.(46 Posts)
Here we go, I've been lurking for a while reading threads.
It seems that lots of couple share passwords for accounts, have access to mobile bills and their partners mobile.
This is not the case in my relationship. DP always has his phone on him, always takes his calls in another room and has his own passwords. He may just like privacy. Is this normal within a relationship? He has the password to my pc as he has shared files with me, but not vice versa.
If Mal's husband doesn't mind then it's not a problem. I would hate it if my partner was like that. Malificence - we can never be together. I hope you aren't too devastated.
And can you imagine the uproar on here should a man say he opens his wifes post-always has and always will!
from the usual suspects, and be rapidly followed by "Leave the Bastard" I would imagine.
Always opening post or..... <people of a nervous disposition should look away now>..... delving in your handbag!!!!
I don't understand why people think that being in a relationship with somebody requires you to abandon any sense of self, and instead the two of you become one entity??
I would be livid with my DH if he tried to access any of my accounts, emails, phone or opened my post. I wouldn't dream of trying to access any of his or open his post either. I quite like my husband having his own life. I don't want to know every mundane detail of his day. I find the fact that he knows his own mind, is independent and interesting very attractive in him. That would be very less so if I controlled his bloody life.
Anyone would think I was opening his post behind his back and that he had no say in the matter
If he didn't want me to , then I wouldn't bloody do it!
If he's expecting a book from amazon or stuff from ebay, then I leave it for him, I'm talking about bills and day to day stuff, there is no reason on earth why either of us wouldn't open it, no matter who it's addressed to.
If you think that equates to him not knowing his own mind/ not being independent and me controlling his life, then more fool you.
Right ok. Our post has just been. Mr ItsAFuckingVase has 3 letters. One is a credit card bill, I know this as it has the name of the company on the envelope. One is a bank statement. I know this because it is from the same bank as mine. The other is in a handwritten envelope. I have no idea what it is. I have taken all 3 letters and put them on the side for him to open when he gets home, because they are addressed to him to be opened by him. My involvement in dealing with his post is over. I have picked the letters up off the mat, sorted them from my own and put them down for him to pick up. We won't have a conversation about his post unless for some reason he tells me something about it - like he has an appointment at the hospital, or some tickets he's ordered have arrived. I don't need to know the content of his post, and whatsmore, I don't want to know. I afford my husband with enough brainspace to deal with his own affairs.
We don't share passwords etc as a matter of course - there is no need to & I agree with above re each person needing a little privacy. DP is more secretive/private person by nature, whereas I tend to be too open. We live in a small flat and he will often take a call in another room - out of consideration. I don't want to listen to him talk for 60 minutes with his boss/brother whatever.
It has come up from time to time that we have needed to know each others password/PIN for whatever reason, and it's really no big deal. I know he has a memory like sieve anyway. He used my debit card to collect groceries over the weekend and had to call me for the PIN, even though he has used it 50 times before. I on the other hand will NEVER forget his PIN
Just because you do or don't share this kind of information isn't necessarily telling. It could be an open free exchange, or it could be indicative of controlling behaviour. I wouldn't want DP reading my emails, because they are MY emails, not his. There is nothing wrong with some degree of personal privacy.
Well as all our bills are joint ones, as is all our banking / household bills etc. and I deal with it all as he's out of the house for 12 hours a day ( and for the first 15 years of our marriage was in the forces so away quite often) , then I do need to know the contents of pretty much everything addressed to him, (if that's ok with you) and if I hadn't opened a hospital letter for him last year when he was away on a course for 3 days, then he would have had his surgery put back.
I didn't realise that relationships had turned into AIBU.
Re the phonecalls thing - if my phone rings I will always leave the room to answer it. My DH does the same. I find it incredibly rude of somebody to answer their phone and subject everybody else to their conversation. If I am watching TV I want to hear what is on the TV, not one side of my DH's phonecall.
Malificence-this whole thread is about what is normal in a relationship in terms of privacy,some people have no issue with unlimited free access to phones,emails,post etc but others,myself included,find that exceptionally intrusive and unnecessary within our relationships.
We have joint accounts,and still I would not open anything addressed to my dp unless he phoned and asked me to.
You made a comment,and a face when talking about other peoples level of privacy
You also said 'i don't get this possessive attitude over post or phones,I open dhs post,always have always will'
There is no AIBU about this thread just differing opinions,your level of what is ok is not mine,that doesn't make me weird.
I agree with the poster about not becoming one entity in a relationship,me and dp have been together for a long long time,have kids,split all our money equally,enjoy time separately and have our own money as well ad the family money.but I still expect some respect in terms of privacy and boundaries,and for me that is not having to leave my bloody phone out for him to see,for not having to share all my passwords so he can read my emails or check my browsing history,and not coming home from work to find my post addressed to ME opened regardless of how mundane it is!
That may sound completely alien to you or others,but for us it's not.
DD(4y) wanted to open DP's post the other day.
I explained to her that post should only be opened by the person to whom it is addressed and if it wasn't her post then no, she couldn't open it. I sounded just like my Mum.
I always have my phone on me, i have a password on my phone & i go into another room to take/make a phonecall. And i am single. I do it coz of my dd. If i did have a partner my behaviour wouldnt change & why should it.
I'm the techy in our house so all gadgets are set up by me, I know the passwords DP uses as I set them up for him, that said he also knows mine.
We both have our emails delivered to the same iPad, so if we really wanted to we could go into each others accounts, but I don't really see the need to read his emails, and I believe he feels the same way.
although I will say I'm funny about actual post (and so is he) we'd never open each others unless asked to do so.
We're much more like Malificence and her husband - sharing each others' passwords and gadgets etc. Having read all the comments, however, I can't see how insisting on privacy could necessarily be construed as suspicious in and of itself. In answer to the OP, therefore, unless you have any other concerns I don't think that you have anything to be worried about.
I run all the household IT, including email servers in the cloud etc.
I could do pretty much anything I wanted, but it wouldn't occur to me to:
read DW's email
open her post
go into her handbag
I've done all of them if asked.
I would be furious if anyone expected to be able to access my phone messages, emails or texts Same goes for my handbag. Similarly I wouldn't dream of going through a partner's phone, email etc. Being married or living with someone does not give them access to my private conversations and thoughts.
Household/school/admin issues are different though but I wouldn't have those run via my private email addresses.
My DH knows the code to my phone and iPad, he doesn't have a code for his phone. I know his online banking password and he sometimes has to ask me what his card pin is! He knows my passwords. I do all the filing of bills and bank statements and he just hands me the unopened envelope to open and file, both of ours are easily accessible to the other person. Both our emails/texts etc can be seen by the other person behind backs if we really wanted to, but I've never seen the need and as far as I know neither has he.
I would be annoyed if he read through a conversation with one of my friends without me knowing, but would have no problem showing him myself if that makes sense?
I think you need to be able to trust one another and respect one another's privacy but still show that you have nothing to hide.
If he checked my phone / email ''I'd be furious// it would be game over''
Hmm, lots of double standards here.
I find not sharing everything weird to be honest, I know pretty much every detail of his working day, right down to how many cups of tea he's had and how many times he's been to the loo, pretty normal for us.
Ugh!! No space. But that's only my opinion. Different strokes and all that.
This is not AIBU. Someone is asking what 'is normal in relationships'. Your
claustrophobic set-up may be normal for you, but you are in the minority here. Does that shock you? If it's fine for you, why do you protest so much and feel the need to defend it? You are happy with your relationship - good!
Join the discussion
Please login first.