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Furious with dh - he's just pi*sed on bedroom floor!

(57 Posts)
Makingmama Mon 08-Oct-12 03:03:51

My dh has just pissed on our bedroom floor...our dd 20mo sleeping in her cot just a foot away from where he did it!!!! I'm FURIOUS <<<understatement>>> angry

I've told him when he goes to work in the morning he can take a bag of his stuff as he won't be coming home until he's sorted himself out/grown up FFS!!!

He's been working 6/7 days a week for months and has been getting very tired - and complaining of being very tired. So tonight (he's worked all day) he said he was popping to the pub as he owed them £6 for drinks and he'd stay and have 1 drink with his friend. He said he'd be home way before 10pm (as I'd said I'd be going to bed then). 12.30am I'm woken by 3yo, I sort him then realise dh isn't home (still) so I phone him. He's still in the pub. I do go a bit mad, cross with him for being so irresponsible as he's SO tired and had to get up for work at 6am and is driving a lot for work tomorrow. He came straight home and we had an argument as I' exhausted and don't understand why he's out if he's the same hmm Told him to sleep on the couch and not to come into our bedroom at all!!

02.15 - I'm asleep in bed and wake suddenly to a sound a running water. Shouting what's that? Dh is lying on bedroom floor, jeans around his ankles weeing. Right next to dd's cot. I aksed him to get out. I cleaned it up and have been downstairs to ask him how much exactly he drank (5 pints apparently).

He does have form for this, but not for quite a while (as in maybe a year or so) and definitely never near to a dc! He's never been 'out' much but whenever he does go out for a drink to the pub he can NEVER just have 1 or 2 - a quiet drink. He always drinks too much. We've had to rip up carpet, get rid of a sofa and a puffee thing and prob more, all due to damage from him peeing on them over and over. Last time this happened I made it clear to him that if it ever happens again he'll have to leave as I can't have dc being brought up in a house where they can't walk downstairs in the morning where they may find their dad lying in a pool of piss!

He drinks at home most nights if he can, 1 or 2 cans. Although I restrict this as not enough ££ and not healthy etc. We'd been to a friend's Sat night as it was and drank quite a bit between us. He'd been to his friend's Fri night too. He goes out to a friends house 3/4 times a week (more if he could). 2 of his friends smoke pot so I know he goes there as much as possible so he can have a joint...I don't like this either.

So does he have a drink/drug problem? And now what do I do? I think I have to make him leave until he's sorted himself out don't I?

Also apart from this shit side of him. He works very hard to support us (I only work 1 day a wk) We have 3 very young dc and struggle for ££ and time. And he's hands on with the kids and housework when he's home. But, for all of his good points (and he does have a lot) this is just not the unbringing I want my kids to have.

Am I doing the right thing following through in the morning and making him leave the family home until he's really sorted? But how do I know that he is?

Scarynuff Fri 12-Oct-12 08:24:17

Good luck. Friday evenings are traditionally very difficult for breaking habits. It helps to make new habits to replace the old unhealthy ones. Would it be possible for him to go to a gym in the evening, or could you get a babysitter and both go to the cinema? Sometimes it helps to eat earlier and have sweets to snack on throughout the evening. Anything to keep his hands and mind busy.

There are lots of things he can do to help himself and make it easier to resist but he will need to find out what they are. He should look for support from his gp, drugs & alcohol advisory services, AA, etc. If he wants to change he is going to have to make some effort, it won't happen by itself.

Makingmama Fri 12-Oct-12 07:26:48

Thanks guys...Ok I really am starting to get it now blush!! I've read through the other thread in relationships on alcoholic dh which was very helpful reading.

Last night he was grumpy and sad, trying to start arguments...but I did well and ignored all attempts, I even made him a hot chocolate grin He looked really impressed (not!) He also told me he's cancelled a night out with his friends soon (with no input from me at all) as he'd been thinking and it's a situation that will all be alcohol fuelled.

So far so good but very early days I know. I've learnt a lot though and will continue learning as I really don't think this is the end of it long term.

Scarynuff Thu 11-Oct-12 22:30:24

So how am I supposed to behave if he gets home and goes to his friends and comes back stoned? And then on Friday if he buys/drinks beer? As I'm sure he will

You say to him, OK I can see that you've made your decision, I will start making arrangements for our separation.

Then you go to see a solicitor to find out where you stand. You live your life and enjoy it with your children because you are not addicted. You do not have to spend your evenings drunk or stoned.

MaryZed Thu 11-Oct-12 19:24:35

Yes, I think you have to ignore his behaviour and get on with your own life. Which means going out if you want to, but not to stop him drinking. That is his choice - even if you can go out/distract him/give him something to do you are only putting off the inevitable by a few days or weeks.

But if he is trying to stay home and asks for distraction, by all means play a game of scrabble or summat with him grin.

If I was you I would consider moving out of your bedroom for a few weeks if you can't get him to move out (do you have a spare room) to reinforce that you don't want to sleep with someone pissed or stoned, and to give him time to get over the sweats/sleepness nights/restlessness (which with my experience of cannabis may last three to four weeks).

But don't get into arguments with him saying "I only had one bottle/I wasn't stoned, I just had a couple of drags etc".

Take a step back and remember, the diary is so you have a true record for you, not him, of what your life is like. Make sure if he sees it you make that perfectly clear - you are taking stock of your life, he can take care of his.

Makingmama Thu 11-Oct-12 10:10:38

maryzed - really pleased to hear that your ds's life is improving smile

A diary is a really good idea, I've thought about doing that before. If I ever say anything to dh about the fact that he's out 4/5 nights out of 7 (if not more!!) he always denies it and says only 2/3 x?!!

Makingmama Thu 11-Oct-12 10:07:44

I know, these men really don't give a shit do they?!! I really couldn't imagine ever being so disrespectful (or behaving like that anyway). If there was something that I was doing that was really effecting my dh I'm sure I would just stop it...but then I'm not addicted to anything.

I think I need to speak to him again tonight just to re-iterate that if he doesn't stop then I am putting measures in place to be able to leave him. I think it will take about 1 year for it to be possible, but I can get a lot ready/sorted in a year.

Al-anon meet on a Weds here and I was working until late yesterday and next week have a tutorial, the Weds after we're in Dubai and the Weds after that another tutorial!!!! So I will get there but is going to be a while.

He sweats loads in bed too when he goes cold that is grotesque!!! I get really really peed off with that too!

So how am I supposed to behave if he gets home and goes to his friends and comes back stoned? And then on Friday if he buys/drinks beer? As I'm sure he I supposed to just ignore his behaviour and get on with my own life? Or should I plan to go out to a friends or somethings so he can't go? (I know, that's still controlling...I just don't want him to screw our lives/relationship up).

Anniegetyourgun Thu 11-Oct-12 09:14:41

shock at Cherrytree's OH pushing her out of bed so he could sleep in the bit he hadn't soaked. And you carried on sharing a bed with him? It's not just the wee (gross though that is), but the attitude. Appalling.

AThingInYourLife Thu 11-Oct-12 09:14:28

"You can't stop him going to friends' houses, and you know that."

No, you can't stop him fucking off out and leaving you babysitting every night if the week.

But you sure as fuck don't have to put up with it

Even if he didn't drink/smoke, he would still be a shitty husband.

MaryZed Thu 11-Oct-12 08:44:53

If he has given up, the sleeping is normal for the first few days. Watch out, in a couple more days he won't be able to sleep and will be wandering about getting really antsy all night, and possibly trying to pick a fight.

You can't stop him going to friends' houses, and you know that.

You need to make a plan, and present it to him quietly and sensibly. Don't make it "you had a beer tonight, so you have to leave" and have him justify why he is reasonable and you are a controlling loon.

A diary would be useful - a factual one, with positives (if there are any) as well as negatives. Just what time he is home, whether he interacts with the kids/household tasks/you, whether he goes out (not what you think he does there, but just where and when).

You are not keeping this for him. You are keeping it for you as a record of your life, so that you can make the decision as to whether that life with him is better/worse than a life without him.

catsndog, sorry life is so shit sad. Do you have any rl help? It sounds as though you are stuck in a bit of a trap.

ds is improving, thanks Making. Very, veeeeerrrrrry slowly. He is at college now (which is something of a miracle after three years out of education), so it's harder to spend the whole day stoned.

Makingmama Thu 11-Oct-12 07:30:31

maryzed - how's your ds now? It must be very hard watching a dc to that to themselves.

catsndog - thanks and I'm sorry you're so unhappy and stuck in your situation sad I hope you find a way to change things at some point.

Well he only stayed away 1 night, the night after he fell asleep on the sofa from about 8pm.

No drink or spliff since Sun as far as I know, but last night, 3rd night he said he needed to take something to his friends house - one who smokes spliff! Luckily he fell asleep on sofa (again) before he had chance!

Unfortunatly this morning I've ended up saying to him surely if he's trying to prove he doesn't have a problem he shouldn't be trying to go somewhere to get a splff?!! I know I know I shouldn't...he wasn't happy, said very sternly he's not getting involved?! Hummmm...this is all kind of to do with you?!!

I now really don't believe he's wanting to do anything about his problem. Surely if he'd taken me seriously and was putting us first he would be abstaining? Ah well Friday night is still to come when he would definitely normally buy beer...not holding out much hope...

Catsndog Tue 09-Oct-12 07:10:10

I am Married to a ignorant alcoholic! It only gets worse!
I am ill and can not cope alone yet, if I could manage without him I certainly would get rid!!! (im agorophobic)Problem is they won't leave when told to...
He controls everything,don't let it get like my miserable life,I am so unhappy........ Don't go down my road, you will regret it for the rest of your life. I feel powerless over my life.....

MaryZed Mon 08-Oct-12 21:40:41

I'm glad you sound more cheerful.

Now remember <stern glare> it is up to him to go to gp, it is up to him to stop drinking.

If I was you, the only think I would do is try to be (relatively) nice to him in the evenings he doesn't go out - maybe watch a dvd together, or even (shock,horror) talk to each other, or buy an Ikea wardrobe or something grin. Just for the first few nights he comes back.

Obviously don't be over-nice - ds used to sometimes pick a fight on purpose to have an excuse to go on a bender. And it was hard not to pander to him and grovel to stop him going out. But that isn't the way, it won't work long term.

Do give Al-Anon a ring.

And if you think he won't drink maybe book yourself a night out, a course, or a fitness class or something. So he has a reason to be home, and so that you get a break.

And if he can't pull himself together, the moneysaving and other planning will be there. Hopefully you won't need it.

greeneyed Mon 08-Oct-12 21:32:57

GOod luck to you both

Makingmama Mon 08-Oct-12 19:39:36

cherrytree your post did make me laugh! Now that I wish I had done, just for the horror on his face for a change.

We had a good chat, he admits he now agrees he has a drink problem and the cannabis. It's how he has always de-stressed/relaxed, it's what he's always associated with it. And as I said we have had a very stressful year, so I can see how it's escalated again. He's going to see his GP and possibly AA, but GP to start.

We'll see, he's giving me some space tonight. I've been looking at the Al-anon meeting locally which they do weekly so I think I'll go to one of them as soon as I can.

He's told me he's going to prove that his family come first and he's not going to drink/smoke pot again...lalala have heard this so many times. In the mean time I'm going to concentrate on looking for extra work and saving some emergency £ for future just in case. Not great situation to be in when you have no funds to free yourself and dc from a situation.

Thank you for advice, it's given me a lot to think about.

mum11970 Mon 08-Oct-12 18:58:29

I'm with you shutup, there's a lie in there somewhere and I could, also, drink 4/5 pints and be no more than merry.

expatinscotland Mon 08-Oct-12 18:49:19

I can't imagine living with a person who does this.

hoopieghirl Mon 08-Oct-12 18:41:39

If he has a drink problem then he is probably lying to himself about the amount he drinks. You could double the amount he tells you he is drinking. I really hope this works out for you .

Shutupanddrive Mon 08-Oct-12 18:27:15

Agree he is lying, I could drink 4/5 pints easily on a night out and come home half decent

cherrytree63 Mon 08-Oct-12 18:23:12

I don't want to trivialise OP's problem, just wanted to share my tale of revenge... I too live with a drinker who pee's in inappropriate places. Although he has cut down a lot on his drinking, and it doesn't happen very often now, he went through a phase of doing it 2/3 times a week. If it happened in the bed he would push me out so he could sleep in my dry half. I snapped one night (the thought of getting up for work and struggling through my day with very little sleep yet again was a trigger) so I pee'd in his work boots. I could see his look of puzzlement in the mirror when he put his boots on the next day, it was priceless!

expatinscotland Mon 08-Oct-12 16:34:12

'We get very little time together. Once the dc are in bed, he's very quick to think of an excuse to get out and go to one of his take a tool back, ask them a q...literally anything, just to get out. '

Because he's addicted to cannabis and wants to go smoke weed.

I used to drink like a fish but never once peed myself. Yuk. A man who did this would be dumped during the dating stage after the first instance.

Makingmama Mon 08-Oct-12 16:27:57

We get very little time together. Once the dc are in bed, he's very quick to think of an excuse to get out and go to one of his take a tool back, ask them a q...literally anything, just to get out. I've commented a lot that I feel as though he just wants to get out so he doesn't have to spend time with me. On the evenings he doesn't visit his friends he has to go to the shop and takes forever as he bumps into 'friends' or neighbours and is chatting.

I can't really rememeber the last time we had quality time by ourselves. Oh actually we did have 2/3 hours one afternoon in June this year. The time before that was maybe 15 months ago or so when we took 2/3 hrs to watch a film at the cinema. It's very rare. We have been out to a friends house for a meal together, with other couples about 5 x in the last year. He never seems bothered, never arranges anything etc...

greeneyed Mon 08-Oct-12 16:10:17

I have to back pedal if he is going round to his mates and smoking weed 3 or 4 nights a week you are cutting him a break and he's not perhaps living in the pressure cooker I first imagined and does have opportunity to unwind. Personally that would annoy me more than the pissing on the floor - sounds like you spend very little time together.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 08-Oct-12 15:03:06

"I have to do this for our future...what if he decides he'd rather not have the bother".

Well at that point you will truly know. Do not go back on what you have told him; backing down now will show him that you don't really mean it and that you are a pushover. Stop engaging with him as of now.

In the meantime whilst he is goine contact Al-anon and seek legal advice on the joint tenancy.

FWIW he to my mind has chosen the drink and drugs and unless he has a complete sea change of attitude along with a complete change of lifestyle, he will not change. He has no real incentive to change.

There are no guarantees here when it comes to alcoholism; this man could well go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still drink afterwards. Its his choice; you are not responsible for him.

Makingmama Mon 08-Oct-12 14:30:40

Yes that's exactly what he does need. Just spoke to him again, just to make sure he understood from earlier conversation that I don't want him here after work or for the next few days at least. I usually turns up and worms his way straight back in.

He was getting quite annoyed/irritated with me. He said loudly that he'll go once he's put his kids to bed etc. I said no, that's not what I mean, I need you to stay away for a few days...(not have everything all lovely and normal until the point kids are in bed when you usually slope off to your mates house to get stoned/pissed anyway?!!) Not sure how I'm going to stay strong enough to stick to this...

I have to do this for our future...what if he decides he'd rather not have the bother.

I'm sorry you've had to go through all of that with your ds maryZed...that must have been just awful.

MaryZed Mon 08-Oct-12 14:02:20

I always feel that ds won't give up cannabis until he finds something else.

Your dh needs to change his social life, his evenings. AA meetings or five-a-side football, it doesn't matter what. But something other than sitting around with friends who think drink/drugs are normal every day occurrences.

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