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Furious with dh - he's just pi*sed on bedroom floor!(57 Posts)
My dh has just pissed on our bedroom floor...our dd 20mo sleeping in her cot just a foot away from where he did it!!!! I'm FURIOUS <<<understatement>>>
I've told him when he goes to work in the morning he can take a bag of his stuff as he won't be coming home until he's sorted himself out/grown up FFS!!!
He's been working 6/7 days a week for months and has been getting very tired - and complaining of being very tired. So tonight (he's worked all day) he said he was popping to the pub as he owed them £6 for drinks and he'd stay and have 1 drink with his friend. He said he'd be home way before 10pm (as I'd said I'd be going to bed then). 12.30am I'm woken by 3yo, I sort him then realise dh isn't home (still) so I phone him. He's still in the pub. I do go a bit mad, cross with him for being so irresponsible as he's SO tired and had to get up for work at 6am and is driving a lot for work tomorrow. He came straight home and we had an argument as I' exhausted and don't understand why he's out if he's the same Told him to sleep on the couch and not to come into our bedroom at all!!
02.15 - I'm asleep in bed and wake suddenly to a sound a running water. Shouting what's that? Dh is lying on bedroom floor, jeans around his ankles weeing. Right next to dd's cot. I aksed him to get out. I cleaned it up and have been downstairs to ask him how much exactly he drank (5 pints apparently).
He does have form for this, but not for quite a while (as in maybe a year or so) and definitely never near to a dc! He's never been 'out' much but whenever he does go out for a drink to the pub he can NEVER just have 1 or 2 - a quiet drink. He always drinks too much. We've had to rip up carpet, get rid of a sofa and a puffee thing and prob more, all due to damage from him peeing on them over and over. Last time this happened I made it clear to him that if it ever happens again he'll have to leave as I can't have dc being brought up in a house where they can't walk downstairs in the morning where they may find their dad lying in a pool of piss!
He drinks at home most nights if he can, 1 or 2 cans. Although I restrict this as not enough ££ and not healthy etc. We'd been to a friend's Sat night as it was and drank quite a bit between us. He'd been to his friend's Fri night too. He goes out to a friends house 3/4 times a week (more if he could). 2 of his friends smoke pot so I know he goes there as much as possible so he can have a joint...I don't like this either.
So does he have a drink/drug problem? And now what do I do? I think I have to make him leave until he's sorted himself out don't I?
Also apart from this shit side of him. He works very hard to support us (I only work 1 day a wk) We have 3 very young dc and struggle for ££ and time. And he's hands on with the kids and housework when he's home. But, for all of his good points (and he does have a lot) this is just not the unbringing I want my kids to have.
Am I doing the right thing following through in the morning and making him leave the family home until he's really sorted? But how do I know that he is?
at Cherrytree's OH pushing her out of bed so he could sleep in the bit he hadn't soaked. And you carried on sharing a bed with him? It's not just the wee (gross though that is), but the attitude. Appalling.
I know, these men really don't give a shit do they?!! I really couldn't imagine ever being so disrespectful (or behaving like that anyway). If there was something that I was doing that was really effecting my dh I'm sure I would just stop it...but then I'm not addicted to anything.
I think I need to speak to him again tonight just to re-iterate that if he doesn't stop then I am putting measures in place to be able to leave him. I think it will take about 1 year for it to be possible, but I can get a lot ready/sorted in a year.
Al-anon meet on a Weds here and I was working until late yesterday and next week have a tutorial, the Weds after we're in Dubai and the Weds after that another tutorial!!!! So I will get there but is going to be a while.
He sweats loads in bed too when he goes cold turkey...now that is grotesque!!! I get really really peed off with that too!
So how am I supposed to behave if he gets home and goes to his friends and comes back stoned? And then on Friday if he buys/drinks beer? As I'm sure he will...am I supposed to just ignore his behaviour and get on with my own life? Or should I plan to go out to a friends or somethings so he can't go? (I know, that's still controlling...I just don't want him to screw our lives/relationship up).
maryzed - really pleased to hear that your ds's life is improving
A diary is a really good idea, I've thought about doing that before. If I ever say anything to dh about the fact that he's out 4/5 nights out of 7 (if not more!!) he always denies it and says only 2/3 x?!!
Yes, I think you have to ignore his behaviour and get on with your own life. Which means going out if you want to, but not to stop him drinking. That is his choice - even if you can go out/distract him/give him something to do you are only putting off the inevitable by a few days or weeks.
But if he is trying to stay home and asks for distraction, by all means play a game of scrabble or summat with him .
If I was you I would consider moving out of your bedroom for a few weeks if you can't get him to move out (do you have a spare room) to reinforce that you don't want to sleep with someone pissed or stoned, and to give him time to get over the sweats/sleepness nights/restlessness (which with my experience of cannabis may last three to four weeks).
But don't get into arguments with him saying "I only had one bottle/I wasn't stoned, I just had a couple of drags etc".
Take a step back and remember, the diary is so you have a true record for you, not him, of what your life is like. Make sure if he sees it you make that perfectly clear - you are taking stock of your life, he can take care of his.
So how am I supposed to behave if he gets home and goes to his friends and comes back stoned? And then on Friday if he buys/drinks beer? As I'm sure he will
You say to him, OK I can see that you've made your decision, I will start making arrangements for our separation.
Then you go to see a solicitor to find out where you stand. You live your life and enjoy it with your children because you are not addicted. You do not have to spend your evenings drunk or stoned.
Thanks guys...Ok I really am starting to get it now !! I've read through the other thread in relationships on alcoholic dh which was very helpful reading.
Last night he was grumpy and sad, trying to start arguments...but I did well and ignored all attempts, I even made him a hot chocolate He looked really impressed (not!) He also told me he's cancelled a night out with his friends soon (with no input from me at all) as he'd been thinking and it's a situation that will all be alcohol fuelled.
So far so good but very early days I know. I've learnt a lot though and will continue learning as I really don't think this is the end of it long term.
Good luck. Friday evenings are traditionally very difficult for breaking habits. It helps to make new habits to replace the old unhealthy ones. Would it be possible for him to go to a gym in the evening, or could you get a babysitter and both go to the cinema? Sometimes it helps to eat earlier and have sweets to snack on throughout the evening. Anything to keep his hands and mind busy.
There are lots of things he can do to help himself and make it easier to resist but he will need to find out what they are. He should look for support from his gp, drugs & alcohol advisory services, AA, etc. If he wants to change he is going to have to make some effort, it won't happen by itself.
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