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Furious with dh - he's just pi*sed on bedroom floor!(57 Posts)
My dh has just pissed on our bedroom floor...our dd 20mo sleeping in her cot just a foot away from where he did it!!!! I'm FURIOUS <<<understatement>>>
I've told him when he goes to work in the morning he can take a bag of his stuff as he won't be coming home until he's sorted himself out/grown up FFS!!!
He's been working 6/7 days a week for months and has been getting very tired - and complaining of being very tired. So tonight (he's worked all day) he said he was popping to the pub as he owed them £6 for drinks and he'd stay and have 1 drink with his friend. He said he'd be home way before 10pm (as I'd said I'd be going to bed then). 12.30am I'm woken by 3yo, I sort him then realise dh isn't home (still) so I phone him. He's still in the pub. I do go a bit mad, cross with him for being so irresponsible as he's SO tired and had to get up for work at 6am and is driving a lot for work tomorrow. He came straight home and we had an argument as I' exhausted and don't understand why he's out if he's the same Told him to sleep on the couch and not to come into our bedroom at all!!
02.15 - I'm asleep in bed and wake suddenly to a sound a running water. Shouting what's that? Dh is lying on bedroom floor, jeans around his ankles weeing. Right next to dd's cot. I aksed him to get out. I cleaned it up and have been downstairs to ask him how much exactly he drank (5 pints apparently).
He does have form for this, but not for quite a while (as in maybe a year or so) and definitely never near to a dc! He's never been 'out' much but whenever he does go out for a drink to the pub he can NEVER just have 1 or 2 - a quiet drink. He always drinks too much. We've had to rip up carpet, get rid of a sofa and a puffee thing and prob more, all due to damage from him peeing on them over and over. Last time this happened I made it clear to him that if it ever happens again he'll have to leave as I can't have dc being brought up in a house where they can't walk downstairs in the morning where they may find their dad lying in a pool of piss!
He drinks at home most nights if he can, 1 or 2 cans. Although I restrict this as not enough ££ and not healthy etc. We'd been to a friend's Sat night as it was and drank quite a bit between us. He'd been to his friend's Fri night too. He goes out to a friends house 3/4 times a week (more if he could). 2 of his friends smoke pot so I know he goes there as much as possible so he can have a joint...I don't like this either.
So does he have a drink/drug problem? And now what do I do? I think I have to make him leave until he's sorted himself out don't I?
Also apart from this shit side of him. He works very hard to support us (I only work 1 day a wk) We have 3 very young dc and struggle for ££ and time. And he's hands on with the kids and housework when he's home. But, for all of his good points (and he does have a lot) this is just not the unbringing I want my kids to have.
Am I doing the right thing following through in the morning and making him leave the family home until he's really sorted? But how do I know that he is?
Well I called him and said I'm no longer taking responsibilty for his drink problem and his inability to not drink. That from now on my only priority is the dc and myself, making sure we're ok and not living in conditions that I don't find acceptable.
I said I'm leaving his habbit /drinking completely to him. He can drink as and when he pleases. I no longer care, and will not talk to him about it at the moment, I want him to leve us alone so he can stand back from us and think about it alone. He can decide what's important.
I said I was going to get legal advice today re having him removed from the house if necessary. He said don't, he will stay away. He did say he realises he has a problem, but we'll see won't we. Whether or not he can take responsibility for it himself.
So I suppose I'll just see how this week goes, keep him away from us for a few days minimum and see what he comes back with after reflecting by himself. Then we'll take it from there. I really hope this snaps him out of it. As far as I'm concerned this has to be the last time as I just will not have the dcs witness this. What if he pees on their toys/teddies etc...on the carpet again or sofa then the dc can't use these things as daddy's weed on them again Thankfully they have never witnessed it yet and they won't.
I won't be giving him any advice/controlling any of his alcohol intake again, and if he doesn't decide to change by himself long term, he won't be keeping his family that's for sure. I'll be putting plans in place for us to be able to leave him long term/permanently if we have to. I really hope it doesn't come to that, but at least it will be easier if I can support the dc better myself.
Thank you again (just hope I stay this strong!)
Making, just as a matter of interest, do you feel guilty for allowing him to get pissed?
Because that's a good place to start. Have a look at how silly that is. And things might slip into place a bit, so you can look at the situation more clearly.
Sorry, that was a cross-post.
There is a support thread in relationship for partners of addicts, I think. It might be worth having a read.
You sound much more positive - and you know, it is entirely possible he will have a look at his behaviour.
Look after yourself - do you have anyone you can be honest with in real life? Al-anon would be great, just for you to be able to talk honestly, or if you can access it counselling has really helped me cope with ds and see that while I can't change him, I can change the way I react to him and the way I live my life.
Also agree that if he drinks most night then 5 pints doesn't seem like much for him to have ended up on the floor pissing himself.
Also, did you say he goes out to his friends 3 or 4 nights a week? I think that's a lot, do you get to go out 3 or 4 nights a week? I may have read that bit wrong though.
MaryZed - yes if I think back I suppose I have felt guilty for letting him get pissed. For eg when it was very bad over a year ago I told him he had a drink problem. He stopped drinking alcohol completely for about 3 weeks, then we had a dinner party to go to where everyone was having a drink...so he did too, but was more sensible than he would if I wasn't watching him. I felt guilty as I think I kindof knew deep down that he did have a problem, yet as he wasn't accepting that I just gave in. Then the alcohol just creeps back in and up until it's normalised again.
Please tell me it's not normal to need a drink whenever you're not at work?!
Don't really have anyone to talk to in RL, family live away/abroad and would have a total no nonsense approach which I would find too overwhelming right now. May have a look at Al-anon, just had a skim through that thread... reading.
Yes fatima he does go to a friends house 3/4 nights a week, he would be there all the time if he could. There's 2 different houses on our street - they always have spliffs (dh can't afford that habbit) so he goes around to smoke theirs if he can't have a drink. But will drink as well whenever he can.
Another thing, he always opens a can of lager to drink even if he's practically falling asleep...so falls asleep quite often with a full opened can of lager on the side. In the morning he puts it in the fridge to drink the next night...that's desperate surely, I mean how awful must that taste?!
Also I don't get any regular time to myself. Although I go through periods of maybe going swimming once a week in which case he puts dc to bed. If I go out and get back at 10pm for eg, he will still go to a friends house then for a smoke if no beer.
He is self-medicating isn't he?
Could he possibly be depressed - with that much alcohol and the cannabis, he probably is now even if he wasn't at the start.
NOT that that is an excuse - but it might be worth him having a chat to your gp. If he stops smoking dope and drinking he won't sleep, get even more anxious and thus be more likely to start again. He is in a cycle, but only he can get himself out of it.
Does he have anyone irl he could talk to? Not his mother obviously (she will presume you are a control freak).
He's going to lose his job if he carries on. He must be over the limit with either alcohol or cannabis some mornings.
TBH most of his friends are quite abusive with alcohol/cannibis anyway The 2 friends on our street do both all of the time. They're his regular contact friends. His friends through work are mainly younger, no children so go out drinking a LOT regularly anyway. His boss is a big drinker when he goes out! Has horrendous hang overs etc. Yeah he really doesn't surround himself with good peers for support.
I'm probably seen as ridiculous and being over cautious etc! My friends and their husbands who we socialise with once a month or so are all very sensible drinkers, but they're not his close friends. I used to be a big drinker pre-dc, early 20's so we both drank a lot together.
We planned pregnancy so I stopped drinking, what with breastfeeding and close pregnancies I haven't drank much at all and actually would rather not. If dh has a lager on weekends I may have a couple of units on a fri/sat, but only because it's there. I won't drink at all now though.
I've got a feeling if he were medicated for anxiety etc he'd be addicted to that too...hopefully he'll go to the GP.
I don't know what's wrong, maybe he is depressed or highly stressed (both). We have had a lot of stress particularly this year with ds2 having health probs etc. Finances, lack of quality time etc.
I think we need a really good honest chat in a few days once he's had time to think (sure we've been there and done that though!) See if he manages to give up his addictions and how he feels after that.
I always feel that ds won't give up cannabis until he finds something else.
Your dh needs to change his social life, his evenings. AA meetings or five-a-side football, it doesn't matter what. But something other than sitting around with friends who think drink/drugs are normal every day occurrences.
Yes that's exactly what he does need. Just spoke to him again, just to make sure he understood from earlier conversation that I don't want him here after work or for the next few days at least. I usually turns up and worms his way straight back in.
He was getting quite annoyed/irritated with me. He said loudly that he'll go once he's put his kids to bed etc. I said no, that's not what I mean, I need you to stay away for a few days...(not have everything all lovely and normal until the point kids are in bed when you usually slope off to your mates house to get stoned/pissed anyway?!!) Not sure how I'm going to stay strong enough to stick to this...
I have to do this for our future...what if he decides he'd rather not have the bother.
I'm sorry you've had to go through all of that with your ds maryZed...that must have been just awful.
"I have to do this for our future...what if he decides he'd rather not have the bother".
Well at that point you will truly know. Do not go back on what you have told him; backing down now will show him that you don't really mean it and that you are a pushover. Stop engaging with him as of now.
In the meantime whilst he is goine contact Al-anon and seek legal advice on the joint tenancy.
FWIW he to my mind has chosen the drink and drugs and unless he has a complete sea change of attitude along with a complete change of lifestyle, he will not change. He has no real incentive to change.
There are no guarantees here when it comes to alcoholism; this man could well go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still drink afterwards. Its his choice; you are not responsible for him.
I have to back pedal if he is going round to his mates and smoking weed 3 or 4 nights a week you are cutting him a break and he's not perhaps living in the pressure cooker I first imagined and does have opportunity to unwind. Personally that would annoy me more than the pissing on the floor - sounds like you spend very little time together.
We get very little time together. Once the dc are in bed, he's very quick to think of an excuse to get out and go to one of his friends...to take a tool back, ask them a q...literally anything, just to get out. I've commented a lot that I feel as though he just wants to get out so he doesn't have to spend time with me. On the evenings he doesn't visit his friends he has to go to the shop and takes forever as he bumps into 'friends' or neighbours and is chatting.
I can't really rememeber the last time we had quality time by ourselves. Oh actually we did have 2/3 hours one afternoon in June this year. The time before that was maybe 15 months ago or so when we took 2/3 hrs to watch a film at the cinema. It's very rare. We have been out to a friends house for a meal together, with other couples about 5 x in the last year. He never seems bothered, never arranges anything etc...
'We get very little time together. Once the dc are in bed, he's very quick to think of an excuse to get out and go to one of his friends...to take a tool back, ask them a q...literally anything, just to get out. '
Because he's addicted to cannabis and wants to go smoke weed.
I used to drink like a fish but never once peed myself. Yuk. A man who did this would be dumped during the dating stage after the first instance.
I don't want to trivialise OP's problem, just wanted to share my tale of revenge... I too live with a drinker who pee's in inappropriate places. Although he has cut down a lot on his drinking, and it doesn't happen very often now, he went through a phase of doing it 2/3 times a week. If it happened in the bed he would push me out so he could sleep in my dry half. I snapped one night (the thought of getting up for work and struggling through my day with very little sleep yet again was a trigger) so I pee'd in his work boots. I could see his look of puzzlement in the mirror when he put his boots on the next day, it was priceless!
Agree he is lying, I could drink 4/5 pints easily on a night out and come home half decent
If he has a drink problem then he is probably lying to himself about the amount he drinks. You could double the amount he tells you he is drinking. I really hope this works out for you .
I can't imagine living with a person who does this.
I'm with you shutup, there's a lie in there somewhere and I could, also, drink 4/5 pints and be no more than merry.
cherrytree your post did make me laugh! Now that I wish I had done, just for the horror on his face for a change.
We had a good chat, he admits he now agrees he has a drink problem and the cannabis. It's how he has always de-stressed/relaxed, it's what he's always associated with it. And as I said we have had a very stressful year, so I can see how it's escalated again. He's going to see his GP and possibly AA, but GP to start.
We'll see, he's giving me some space tonight. I've been looking at the Al-anon meeting locally which they do weekly so I think I'll go to one of them as soon as I can.
He's told me he's going to prove that his family come first and he's not going to drink/smoke pot again...lalala have heard this so many times. In the mean time I'm going to concentrate on looking for extra work and saving some emergency £ for future just in case. Not great situation to be in when you have no funds to free yourself and dc from a situation.
Thank you for advice, it's given me a lot to think about.
I'm glad you sound more cheerful.
Now remember <stern glare> it is up to him to go to gp, it is up to him to stop drinking.
If I was you, the only think I would do is try to be (relatively) nice to him in the evenings he doesn't go out - maybe watch a dvd together, or even (shock,horror) talk to each other, or buy an Ikea wardrobe or something . Just for the first few nights he comes back.
Obviously don't be over-nice - ds used to sometimes pick a fight on purpose to have an excuse to go on a bender. And it was hard not to pander to him and grovel to stop him going out. But that isn't the way, it won't work long term.
Do give Al-Anon a ring.
And if you think he won't drink maybe book yourself a night out, a course, or a fitness class or something. So he has a reason to be home, and so that you get a break.
And if he can't pull himself together, the moneysaving and other planning will be there. Hopefully you won't need it.
I am Married to a ignorant alcoholic! It only gets worse!
I am ill and can not cope alone yet, if I could manage without him I certainly would get rid!!! (im agorophobic)Problem is they won't leave when told to...
He controls everything,don't let it get like my miserable life,I am so unhappy........ Don't go down my road, you will regret it for the rest of your life. I feel powerless over my life.....
maryzed - how's your ds now? It must be very hard watching a dc to that to themselves.
catsndog - thanks and I'm sorry you're so unhappy and stuck in your situation I hope you find a way to change things at some point.
Well he only stayed away 1 night, the night after he fell asleep on the sofa from about 8pm.
No drink or spliff since Sun as far as I know, but last night, 3rd night he said he needed to take something to his friends house - one who smokes spliff! Luckily he fell asleep on sofa (again) before he had chance!
Unfortunatly this morning I've ended up saying to him surely if he's trying to prove he doesn't have a problem he shouldn't be trying to go somewhere to get a splff?!! I know I know I shouldn't...he wasn't happy, said very sternly he's not getting involved?! Hummmm...this is all kind of to do with you?!!
I now really don't believe he's wanting to do anything about his problem. Surely if he'd taken me seriously and was putting us first he would be abstaining? Ah well Friday night is still to come when he would definitely normally buy beer...not holding out much hope...
If he has given up, the sleeping is normal for the first few days. Watch out, in a couple more days he won't be able to sleep and will be wandering about getting really antsy all night, and possibly trying to pick a fight.
You can't stop him going to friends' houses, and you know that.
You need to make a plan, and present it to him quietly and sensibly. Don't make it "you had a beer tonight, so you have to leave" and have him justify why he is reasonable and you are a controlling loon.
A diary would be useful - a factual one, with positives (if there are any) as well as negatives. Just what time he is home, whether he interacts with the kids/household tasks/you, whether he goes out (not what you think he does there, but just where and when).
You are not keeping this for him. You are keeping it for you as a record of your life, so that you can make the decision as to whether that life with him is better/worse than a life without him.
catsndog, sorry life is so shit . Do you have any rl help? It sounds as though you are stuck in a bit of a trap.
ds is improving, thanks Making. Very, veeeeerrrrrry slowly. He is at college now (which is something of a miracle after three years out of education), so it's harder to spend the whole day stoned.
"You can't stop him going to friends' houses, and you know that."
No, you can't stop him fucking off out and leaving you babysitting every night if the week.
But you sure as fuck don't have to put up with it
Even if he didn't drink/smoke, he would still be a shitty husband.
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