Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

he wants me gone

(22 Posts)
fedupmumof4 Sun 07-Oct-12 19:12:04

i really don't know what to do.
for the last 17years of our marriage he has cheated, hit me, betrayed be,
be-littled me, I put up with it all because I honestly believed he cared for me deep down,
When hes good he's great
he'll go out, and then stay out, but instead of coming home, he will sleep at his mums, because he can't be bothered with an explanation.
he's now told me, he hates me, doesn't want to answer to me anymore, and that I should leave him and the house
the house is in his name, I have no savings, no family.
He ripped up the Marriage certificate, smashed the wedding photo, and binned his ring, and said does he need to spell it out anymore.
I said that I'm not leaving, and he should if he is so unhappy - what do I get in return an answer "you'll see" you will go.

What do I do?
I have 4 children under the age of 16....and feel completely alone, I am writing this crying and all I want is a cuddle xxx

hoopieghirl Sun 07-Oct-12 19:16:29

I am soo sorry you have had to put up with this vile abusive behaviour not much advise I'm afraid but plenty of women on here will give you great advice. You and your kids deserve so much better than this (((( )))) big hug xx

MsHighwater Sun 07-Oct-12 19:17:24

The house being in his name does not mean you have no claim to it. It is your home and your kids' home.

See a solicitor ASAP.

Sounds like it's all uphill from where you are now though it might be difficult for a while. Good luck.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 07-Oct-12 19:17:33

Make an appointment with CAB and a lawyer. You do have rights here.

And you might want to speak with Women's Aid, too.

tribpot Sun 07-Oct-12 19:21:17

Right, a stiff dose of MN support coming your way. You don't need a cuddle. You need to don your armour and prepare to kick arse. This is a man who has clearly never deserved or respected you. If he hasn't already he's now attempting to financially abuse you as well.

You are married, and you have rights. His pathetic attempts to 'end' the marriage by ripping up the certificate are laughable.

Get yourself down to CAB tomorrow, or phone some family law solicitors who do a free half-hour consult, and get a clear picture of your rights. Speak to Women's Aid, talk about the physical and emotional abuse you've sustained.

You have no family - do you have friends? Please let them know about your situation. Don't be too proud to share, that plays into his hands.

If he thinks he'll get the house after 17 years of marriage and 4 kids, he's having a bloody larf. Say nothing to him, but start marshalling all your strength. Find all the relevant paperwork you can and get it out of the house if possible.

Chin up - this tosser's done you a great favour by ending your marriage. Take the opportunity with both hands, it will be worth it in the end.

solidgoldbrass Sun 07-Oct-12 19:24:22

Yup, go and see a solicitor tomorrow. If this man attacks you physically, call the police; they will come and remove him from the house at least temporarily. You'll get loads of support on here and though things might be hard at the moment, they are going to get a lot better.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Oct-12 19:24:36

Sorry you're in this situation. Echo the advice to speak to Women's Aid or similar as soon as possible. If you believe your safety is at risk get yourself and the children to a place where you can't be harmed and then talk to a solicitor. You'll find you have a lot of rights as a married woman with children - not least a fair share of the marital assets including 'his' property and income - and I suspect he knows that already. Good luck

RandomMess Sun 07-Oct-12 19:26:42

If you are primary carer then you actuallly have more right to be housed in the marital home with the dc than him!!!

Please speak to Womans Aid asap and get some real life help.

izzyizin Sun 07-Oct-12 19:27:14

He can tear up all the certificates and wedding photos and bin as many rings as he wants, as it won't alter the fact that he is married in the eyes of the law and you have lawful entitlement to a fair share of the joint assests of the marriage including the marital home.

Visit to source a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law and who offers a free half an hour initial consultation. In view of the domestic violence you have endured, and are enduring, I would also suggest you visit

Please disabuse yourself of any notion that your h has any feeling for you other than contempt as any man who hits a woman does not do so out of love.

lem31 Sun 07-Oct-12 19:33:46

He does not deserve you. It sounds like he has spent so long putting you down you are forgetting that you have rights too. Cab and solicitor need to be consulted ASAP and you need to get out of the relationship. Your children thinking this is a normal relationship is very unhealthy for them. You need to show them that you are strong and that bullys can't keep you down. Good luck. X

zippey Sun 07-Oct-12 19:36:11

I second that you may be entitled to live in your marital home. I know a friend who was kicked out of his home who he owned jointly with his wife. I think you can kick him out, and I would urge you to do it if you can. Are they his kids too?

Good advice re seeing your soliciter and CAB.

HissyByName Sun 07-Oct-12 19:36:14

If he wants shot of you, open the door and say 'off you pop'

You have rights, your DC have rights, and ALL of you are being directly harmed by his abuse.

He wants to end it? Good, you're free.

Don't think you can't do it, you're wrong, of course you can, and what's more I can pretty much tell you that you'll be better. Off, happier, safer and stronger without him.

Get him out of your life today, and I can promise you that in a couple of weeks you'll wonmder why you didn't kick hims sorry arse into the middle of next week, years ago!

Get CAB advice, check out benefits, check out all the links posted on this thread and see how they can help you.

You know you have yo end this pitiful life, please stay strong? Tell us what we can do to help support you, we'll be here as long as you need us.

Ultimately this is the best time in your life, it's a chance for hope to re-enter your life. Please don't worry, it WILL be ok, you CAN do this!

perplexedpirate Sun 07-Oct-12 19:47:56

What an absolute cock. angry
Go and see a solicitor tomorrow and get this abusive fuckwit out of your and children's lives.

<< unMN hug >>

hoopieghirl Sun 07-Oct-12 20:24:48

Lots of great advice here he is trying to bully and control you well.... Time for you to take control back. Contact womans aid, and CAB get all the info on ur rights you can. Good luck x

SirSugar Sun 07-Oct-12 20:27:41

Doing the math, I am presuming all DCs are his.

What a twat; time to clean him out. Don't have one iota of sympathy for him when he turns the charm on to protect 'his' assets - It will never last.

Get thee to a solicitor woman; because you are worth it.

GeekLove Sun 07-Oct-12 20:47:12

OP are you ok? I know that this is the hardest point as you are going to leave all this conditioning that he has done to you. Please inform the police and local DV unit as this is the most dangerous time. Get a solicitor and look into an Occupancy Order as you are the main caregiver of school age DCs.

fedupmumof4 Mon 08-Oct-12 12:29:10

Hi guys thank you so much for your support.[truly means allot]
Yesterday it was a constant torrent of abuse. During the evening he stated that he was on a course all week and needed to be up early, I stood up to him and said not my problem, if he wants responsibilty for the kids, he can iron the uniforms, and do the school drop if tomorrow, to which he replied, are you dead, aren't you even able to look after your own kids?
i was soo upset, that I left it.
Next thing I know he picks up his gym bag, and goes out the door.
Guess what he never came home, and I know he was probably at his mums house [where she ponders to all his needs]
What an arsehole, just because he had to get kids up etc he didnt come home.
Im going to make an appointment for some legal help, I also took out the car log books [one is in my name], and have hidden the passports.

I really am scared of moving on, he's always told me that all I will end up being is a divorced mother of 4, and be branded a slag.
and I honestly believe him, who on earth is going to want a washed up 39year old with 4 kids. [i am indian, and trust me, no indian family will have any respect for me]
I'm scared for the kids, because I would hate for them to feel sad, and have to choose.
I will keep strong xx

MardyArsedMidlander Mon 08-Oct-12 12:33:56

Who wants a 39 year old with 4 kids? YOU DO. value yourself- value your kids. And if the 'community' don't respect you for raising 4 children whilst putting up with an absolute ARSE for years- fk em angry

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 08-Oct-12 13:13:43

Sadly, over the many years you've been together he's brainwashed you into thinking that you aren't worthy of anything better. The 'no-one else would want you' line is not confined to indian men, trust me. Abusers often use it to keep their victim's self-esteem on the floor and make them frightened to break free.

When you get shot of this man what you will be is not a 'slag' or a 'washed up single mum of 4'.... you will be a respectable, proud, independent woman who had the courage to raise her kids away from the malevolent influence of an abusive man. Most people inside and outside the indian community would regard that as heroic.

Dryjuice25 Mon 08-Oct-12 13:15:10

I'm early 30s with 3 kids and get told i'm washed out too......but he hates it when I dress well or go out without the kids. It's blatant emotional abuse to destroy and destabilize you ....and that's all it is. Who knows what the future holds? And when it comes down to it you, might even find that you like your own company too much to want a relationship. And your kids will always love you.

People date in old age so don't let him make you feel hopeless about the future.

Good luck

tribpot Mon 08-Oct-12 13:18:54

Isn't he a washed-up 39 year old with 4 kids as well?

Finding another man is simply not a priority item for you right now. You need to get shot of this one, and that's gonna take some doing.

He's been using your fear of end up alone (I've never really understood what the problem with that is - but anyway) and stigmatised as a way of controlling you. Well, bollocks to him and bollocks to anyone who agrees with him. And in any case, you haven't ended this marriage (although you should have done), he has.

izzyizin Mon 08-Oct-12 15:12:07

Keep posting here, honey, and you will become a confident, can do, kick arse, glorious 39yo divorced woman who happens to be blessed with 4 wonderful dc.

The woman you'll become won't need a man to validate or define her, but if she should feel tempted to embark on another relationship with a member of the opposite sex she'll make damn sure that he will enhance her life and as much as she'll enhance his.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: